Black Relationships : Understanding the black male....

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Sodwn2earth, May 17, 2006.

  1. Sodwn2earth

    Sodwn2earth Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    What I seem to notice, (and I know this isn't news to most of you) is that their is a real lack of understanding and communication between our two genders. We're fighting the same battle, but seem to have our own individual troops and strategies that constantly conflict and contradict each other. I've decided a long time ago that I wouldn't continue this cycle. I believe in our young black boys and the men they are to become. They need that belief to say strong, to keep hope. What I'm really trying to do is understand the black male struggle, trying to see their perspective so I can understand their plights and emotional states. It's important to me because I feel it is imperative that we work to understand each other so that we can work for each other. To make a long story short, what is needed to understand the black male?
     
  2. Omowale Jabali

    Omowale Jabali The Cosmic Journeyman PREMIUM MEMBER

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    I'm sure that I won't be alone in this but Black men have a complaint similar to Black women. A lot of us just don't believe tha Black women LISTEN to us. Black women are constantly telling us we don't meet their EMOTIONAL needs but this also goes into the physical. At the same time, SOME Black men do not feel that our emotional needs are being met either.

    For example, in one of the threads today when presented this issue of not meeting the EMOTIONAL needs of Black women I asked TWICE if someone could explain to me what exactly those needs are because they tend to vary from person to person. I just went back to that thread and there was no response. So, If I am criticized for something then I ask a DIRECT question but it is ignored, it tends to reinforce the perception that no one is really LISTENING except to argue against what I have to say, and then some Black women only hear what they want to hear.

    Many times I've noticed that I tend to get frustrated with even the closest women in my life because it's the same thing. They are quick to judge and tell me what they think I am doing or what I should be doing with my life but do not really KNOW because when I try to tell them I am frequently interrupted by them talking over me.

    Black men have EMOTIONAL NEEDS as well as Black women but we hear all the time about how we are not meeting YOUR needs but then whenever we talk about ours not being met then we are labeled as "whining" or "crying" and as a result, just like one sister said earlier she retreats into her romance novels, that is to say FICTION, I am increasing starting to give up on this whole thing of "relationships" and just focus on getting my own act together and putting everything else on hold.

    When we are constantly, repeatedly told that there are no "QUALITY" Black men "available" while this may not exactly lower my self-esteem, it does let me know that Black women have a low opinion of the Black men who ARE single and available. And when things get to this point thats when a lot of Brothers start looking to non-Black women because they are either being ignored or totally dismissed by their own.
     
  3. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    i agree with this.
    there is a serious disconnect.
    both sides say the same thing but appear to talk pass each other.
    some of us have to connect, somehow.
     
  4. Sodwn2earth

    Sodwn2earth Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'm glad I was given this information so early. I'm sure the emotional needs of a black man are complex, but at their core are unconditional support, understanding, and allowing him to take the lead. Am I correct? Close?
     
  5. Omowale Jabali

    Omowale Jabali The Cosmic Journeyman PREMIUM MEMBER

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    I would say that you are correct for the most part but I can only speak for myself on this and say that "allowing him to take the lead" has never been an issue with me. I am rather assertive and typically find myself in leadership positions. Sometimes I would rather that ""my Woman" take the lead or at least share it. I have alway been attracted to assertive women, women who are not afraid to make the first move or take the initiative. If a Sister tells me I need to step up then I do expect support when I do. This has often been a problem for me. In many ways I am very similar to my father. I am usually most effective working behind the scenes but can be out front when need be. But many times when being out front I have often found myself alone and without the support necessary to be effective. I have often said I am not exactly the great communicator and with age I am trying to be a better listener. But when I speak my mind I tend to be rather direct and at least try to be as honest as I can. This I have found not to be the best approach in a number of instances because women have tended to have problems dealing with my honesty. If you don't really want to know my honest opinion on something, don't ask. i am not about stroking a woman's ego just to meet her "emotional needs" if it means I am being dishonest in the process or having to "beat around the bush". Quite frankly, I am presently taking a break from relationships even though I had an ex recently contact me a few times. Yes, my needs are very complex and at times are difficult to determine because my father taught me "it's not about what you want, but what you need" and sometimes it becomes difficult to discern the difference between the two.
     
  6. Isaiah

    Isaiah Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Feelin' both of you brothers on your statements - though I would add that we oft do not listen to our sisters, either... I think we both need to SINCERELY listen to one another, and put our personal frustrations aside, if that is possilbe...

    Brother O, I must say that I KNOW from what you're talking about(smile!) In the past few days I asked sisters how it is that we can support them, and told them how they do not support us... It degenerated into something else, because sisters are frustrated, and so am I... We need to take a vow put our frustrations to the side, and HONESTLY deal with all our cards on the table, and accept constructive critiques... If we cannot get past our frustrations to deal with the other side's critiques, then we should recuse ourselves from participating to keep the convo GOING FORWARD...

    That unselfish standard should be STRICTLY upheld by us all, and those who violate that standard should be asked to LEAVE the convo alone unless they've something of greater value to contribute to the community... We have stop taking this hands-off approach to ourselves when it comes to folks injecting personal stuff into the dialogue... We are dealing with communal therapy, not personal therapy... Anymore suggestions are welcomed(smile!)



    Peace!
    Isaiah
     
  7. Omowale Jabali

    Omowale Jabali The Cosmic Journeyman PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Brother Isaiah, I have no argument here.
     
  8. Sodwn2earth

    Sodwn2earth Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I completely feel you Brother Isaiah, and i hope that this thread will help in this. That we can come to a better understanding of each other and have insight into our conflicting viewpoints. it's not about relenting or admiting one or the other was right or wrong, it's strictly about understanding. We have to remember that understanding is neutral and is neither right nor wrong, just the notion of knowing what is and what isn't. And that's what I want to know, what is it we as woman understand about black males and what it is we don't. So far, I think we're off to a pretty good start.
     
  9. spicybrown

    spicybrown Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Great thread. I await more responses. I'll sit back and spectate:)
     
  10. Isaiah

    Isaiah Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Sister SoDwn2earth and Brother O, thanks for the co-sign - and I think, sister, you said it well, that understanding is NEUTRAL...and that may well be our problem in these discussions... Too many of us are trying to be RIGHT, instead of trying to be understanding...

    Just saying those words is important for me, because it tells ME where I've gone wrong in a bunch of discussions, whether with sisters or brothers... I'm prepared to RECTIFY that or simply leave it alone... This is larger than our individual wants and desires, so I'm hoping we feel the urgency to deal with our delimma as OUR delimma, rather than our personal issue...

    NOW, as per African Man's real world issues, they're pretty similar to African Woman's real world issues... And our not LISTENING to one another's pain only exacerbates those real world issues... We have to understand and respect the need of one another to have a shoulder to lean on in this White Supremacist world... That a sister has a job that we don't have makes her no less susceptible to the depredations of White Supremacy than brothers who are standing on a street corner... We seem to think and sincerely feel that that paycheck she brings home on friday nullifies the garbage she has to put up with to get it... And there are among us, enough brothers in the corporate environment that can easily refute such thinking... So I say, let's trash that kind of thinking among us who know better...

    Where I believe sisters can help in that process is multi-faceted, and begins in the home with the children... Being honest with your male and female children, as well as your spouse/mate... Drop the whole whining/crying mentality, and let brothers know what is going on... Discuss with him and the children, what your daily experiences are, and ALLOW the brother to EXPRESS his pain... Telling him he is whining and crying is telling him YOU don't wanna hear him out, that anything that does not paint a wonderfully rosy picture(which you know is unrealistic)is not something you want to hear...

    Ironically, hearing another individual's biography often BRINGS YOU CLOSER to that individual... Have you had that experience when reading the biography of famous individuals??? Well, then, we should want to hear folks personal histories so that we can KNOW them better, what makes them tick... It enables us to deal with them with greater ease... That's the value of simply listening to one another...

    Sorry for being long-winded, but sometimes stuff has to be clearly delineated to see the WHOLE picture... BTW, brothers have to understand the pressure sisters are under in rearing these children by themselves... We got to STOP running away from that REALITY... I say that because I hung in there for a long time when I didn't want to, and realize that rearing babies is...oh, lawd...no easy experience... I realize that had I had to do it all by myself, I would be a nervous wreck... I, therefore, have this first-hand understanding of this that sometimes makes me come to verbal blows with brothers on this issue...when we are bragging about how many babies we got out here that we didn't raise the first...that it aint no big deal to raise children, and she shoulda done a better job.... WOW! She shoulda????? How you didn't do it for her, expert???(smile!) How come you ran away from this E-Z experience, sir???(smile!)

    That alone is enough to piss sisters off with us, that little nonchalant, Mr. Cool piece, where we don't have a singel care in the world, because - well, she's taking care of thangs... Imagine that? We need some understanding on that, which means we need to sit tight for some unpleasantness - perhaps, some ugliness... It will do us some good to simply listen, because we could learn something from listening...



    Peace!
    Isaiah
     
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