Black Short Stories : UNC

Discussion in 'Short Stories - Authors - Writing' started by Ulysses E Taylor, Aug 21, 2013.

  1. Ulysses E Taylor

    Ulysses E Taylor Member MEMBER

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    The city where I lived is small. So small its hard not to see most of the people on a regular basis. Everyday sometimes, whether its family or the dude you see at the corner store. I lived on one of the longest blocks in the city, which is not saying much it's probably only 3. Well, on my block there were alot of Asian immigrants. So you can say another dark face on the block would be noticed. I s...tarted a new job, it had me waking up in the mornings now. So my sleeping schedule and everything got rearranged because I was working nights. But since I had to wake up early in the morning now to catch the bus I was seeing a whole new group of going to workers. You know still a small city so it was ppl I saw before but now going to work instead if coming home or at the store. There was this one brother though. He looked older than me by about 20 years. I had never seen him before but there was something familiar about him, I couldn't put my finger on it. I said another black face in a mostly Asian neighborhood will get noticed so I shook it off as that. I saw him at the store or something. A month goes by we just see each other and nod until one day on the bus he cracks a joke with the driver. I remark and strike up a ball breaking session aimed at the busdriver. The older dude exits the bus and says as usual " See you later young blood." I say as usual " Aight UNC." So this goes on for about 6 months. I started telling him about my girl and kids and what we got plans on doing. One morning UNC wasn't on the bus. I didn't see UNC for about a couple weeks. One day about a month later my aunt called me crying. She told me she found out Luis had died and why didn't I tell her. I didn't know what to say. Who is Luis? She said her brother my uncle who lived down the block from me. My uncle down the block from me...???
     
  2. baller

    baller Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    family traits are a hard thing to hide.

    criticism: after reading "Brothers," i was expecting more...especially, after you pointed out that you had other stories on the site. but this one didn't have the same punch...the same power. still, i got the message.

    i grew up in a small town--no city transit--where family knew each other, hung out together, had cookouts and get-togethers, etc. when i go home, i've noticed that family isn't as close as it once was. i have a lot of younger relatives that i don't know...who don't know their relatives...because no one bothered to introduce them to the whole family. as time goes on, we'll become like the uncle and nephew in the story...who don't even know they're related.
     
  3. butterfly#1

    butterfly#1 going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    We need to know all of our relatives so stories like this one will cease and desist.

    I know of several people who've fallen in love with their close family members. Its awful.
     
  4. Kadijah

    Kadijah Banned MEMBER

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    I don't know if the story is fact or fiction, but I enjoyed it infinitely more than Brothers! I wasn't looking for a "big payoff" at the end of the story. I was too much enjoying the journey (to that payoff). Your tale was warm, human, and I could envision the community. Although, now that I think about it, why introduce the neighborhood as having a lot of (as opposed to "majority") Asian immigrants, then call it an Asian community? I found that to be a bit perplexing. Otherwise, I truly enjoyed the story. :toast:


    P.S.
    And yes, if you sold it to me on the street corner for a buck, I'd consider it a dollar well spent. Even as I type, I'm experiencing a residual warm, smiley feeling for that little close-knit, everyman community.
     
  5. Asomfwaa

    Asomfwaa Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think conceptually it's there which shows that your ideas are great. Though in this particular story you have tons of tons of grammatical errors.

    It's a pretty interesting title considering UNC is short for Uncle which this man was apparently calling him for six months, but it also didn't have the same sort of pacing. Worse, the sentences started being repetitive in their start.

    It wasn't too surprising despite the format being one of surprise. I was reading through figuring UNC was his Father only to find out it was his Uncle. I think practicing being slightly more indirect (or adding more distractions) may benefit the whole surprise. The story is a little too straightforward. As in: "Mystery man looks like me. It's my Uncle. The End." You can include all of that, but hide it in a story or something. At least that's my take-away.

    Though it's a good story in terms of telling something we may not often think about. Keep writing and keep thinking up new story lines!
     
  6. Kadijah

    Kadijah Banned MEMBER

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    Excellent constructive criticism (although I didn't think it was his father)!
     
  7. Ulysses E Taylor

    Ulysses E Taylor Member MEMBER

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    Thank You I appreciate the feedback. It was one of my earlier pieces I wrote when I was just getting started. I've grown a lot more since then but I still have more to go...THANK YOU AGAIN!
     
  8. skuderjaymes

    skuderjaymes Contextualizer Synthesizer MEMBER

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    Peace Ulysses,

    reading your pieces back to back to back.. I'm reminded of something Ellison said about Literature. He said,

    "Literature is a form of Art wherein time can be reduced to manageable proportions; and the diversity of experience can be assembled to show an immediate pattern: to conserve memory, focus energies, ideas and to gives us some idea of the cost and glories of those ideals. Art unifies the people and extracts that which is meaningful, rendering a heightened sense of value through it's attention to details which unite the members of a group into a concord of sensibilities. Literature is a form through which a group recognizes its values--values from without and values from within."

    I think the things you illuminate with your writing are interesting. Victor Lavalle wrote a series of short stories entitled "slap boxing with Jesus" that had this same kind of comfortable tone.. but I think you're writing style is a bit tighter than his. I would pay for a collection of your short stories.
     
  9. Angela22

    Angela22 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I like the straightforwardness of this short. It kind of "gets to the point" in a way that fits. Nice.