Poetry Critiques : Unborn Expensive Brats - Prose

MANASIAC

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Mar 10, 2004
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ATL SHAWTY! Mr. Coli Park
Occupation
Technical Analyst
Unborn Expensive Brats
From the Series – The Battle between Good and Evil
By Manasiac

It was a beautiful night
I just got finished sipping on some Antiguan Estrogen
And then had a shot of some Las Vegas Estro-Rum
Oh my the Goddesses had me sprung

I rolled over to a set of menacing eyes
Jumped quickly out of bed and grabbed the pistol
Cut on the light
And yelled WHO THE HELL IS YOU GUYS?!?!!

There were 4 kids
2 Girls and 2 Boys
I could swear the Girl and Boy Looked like me
But I still could not recognize the features of the other two
But I still felt apart of them in me

The Girl who looked like me
Said I am sorry
I think we have the wrong house

I replied
Yes you do
Before I blast the Gat
And put a hole in you brats

They all asked in unison are you Dale Jovan Rodriquez?
I replied yes and who the hell is yall
They let a sigh that was so loud
I could have sworn it would have woke someone up down the hall

We are your unborn kids they said

I said to myself, this is the effects of taking Estrogen straight to the head
The little girl walked up and begin to touch me
I jumped back quickly and said this swiftly

If you ****** put a hand on me
I will send you to the infirmary

The girl was startled and they all began to be enraged
They said in a chorus
This is not the Daddy we know
You are like an animal in a cage

The 2 silent ones I could not recognize began to cry
And the other boy began to ask
Daddy why do you hate us why?

I do not know you rug rats
And it is best that you leave
I think you got the wrong house
You got ten seconds to get the hell of my property
Or I am going to eradicate you like a fatal disease

The little girl pulled out a picture of woman
She looked just like the other two kids who were crying
She said you do not know who this?

I was like no
I do not know this ***

The little girl said YOU SAID THAT WAS A BAD WORD!
I said if you do not shut yo anus up
I will show you another word called death, that aint absurd.

She suddenly back down from her fierce stance
And the little boy pulled out a cover of Time magazine
It read Jovan Rodriquez First Afro-Latino winner of Best Director
It was a picture of me and this strange woman and these 4 brats standing together

The dude looked just like me
I closed my eyes and starting pinching myself
And started saying
I am waking up
This is just a dream........

Whoa what a nightmare
I dreamed about some unborn expensive *** brats

DADDY!!!! YOU SAY DO NOT SWEAR!

To my surprise
This nightmare was real

These unborn expensive brats
Are still here
I slowly put down my gun
And began to back up against my door with fear

They all attempted to jump up on me at the same time
I yelled out GET YO ***** OFF OF ME!!!
I WILL SHOOT; I MEAN IT THIS TIME!!!!

The Little girl and boy who I could not recognize had made there way up my arms
And the two other kids who looked like me stood by me
With my legs wrapped by the squeeze of their little arms

They all said Daddy why do you dislike us?

I said roll with me let show you why.

I said notice that room right there and that other room
That is my mothers and my sisters
How can I have kids if I do not even own my house?

I strolled into the kitchen and cut on the light
And I said
Look at all the roaches’ celebrating Fathers day with us
How can I have kids in a house that is infested by night?

I took them back to my room and showed them my rejected job applications
Explained to them that I could not even get a job because of my past felonies
And I was fired from my last job for whistle blowing and that I was a victim of retaliation

Told them I was a struggling filmmaker and my life was in limbo
Told them I could not even go back to college because of a loan I owe
Told them I would pay it but I have no dough

I said I do not hate you.

But right now it is too early for you to come in my life
I do not want to have children until my mind is stable
Until I stop having different women every night

The Little girl who I could not recognize said with a cunning smile of guile
Mama said she would put a bullet in you if did not treat her right!

I laughed and said true.
This is the reason why you are not born.
Because I am trying to rid myself of malice and scorn
I want you to be the best kids in the world
And I want to be Father not A Fornicator
I want to be a good Husband not a *** Hustler or Playa

As soon as I said this
I was alone
The kids had left but their was a small sheet of paper on the bed

It was a stick figure drawing of the kids and me and their mother.
And number one Father it read...
 
brother man...there is really not much i can say in regards to this prose to better it...the title coincided perfectly with the content of work. the story line was truly original, and in today's society where having babies out of wedlock are being defended with rampart, the message was a refreshing one. i am not condoning abortions, not at all, but if you are not ready for a child...you simply aren't ready. the only thing that i thought might be a lil overkill was the last line...#1 father...lol...thas funny right there...maybe something like, we love you pop or simply my dad could have gone there...regardless of this, your poem was outstanding and shone in a meaningful yet comedic light...keep bring them poet...

one love
khasm
 
Hey Mani,

This was written well and unqiue indeed very deep something all need to think on bring life into this world...not for doing away with a baby...but you made your point and you hit some truth I have nothing to add in my eyes to add or take away would take away the concept you was trying to bring to the readers...this was posed well.

Peace
Angel
 
Oh Khas let me explain that line (#1 Father) - It is explained a bit better in the film version but here we go:

After the children meet their father and he shows them why he is in the state he is in, they have an immediate catharsis. The youngest boy in the piece whom the father refers too as Sissy Boy (Because he cries alot), draws the picture as a symbol of appreciation for their father right now, who is striving to become the father they know in the future.

The film explains it alot better, we are slated to shoot summer of 2005. It will be a short film about 30 to 40 minutes long :)
 

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