Poetry Critiques : Unborn Expensive Brats - Prose

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by MANASIAC, Feb 2, 2005.


    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

    United States
    Mar 10, 2004
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    Technical Analyst
    ATL SHAWTY! Mr. Coli Park
    Unborn Expensive Brats
    From the Series – The Battle between Good and Evil
    By Manasiac

    It was a beautiful night
    I just got finished sipping on some Antiguan Estrogen
    And then had a shot of some Las Vegas Estro-Rum
    Oh my the Goddesses had me sprung

    I rolled over to a set of menacing eyes
    Jumped quickly out of bed and grabbed the pistol
    Cut on the light
    And yelled WHO THE HELL IS YOU GUYS?!?!!

    There were 4 kids
    2 Girls and 2 Boys
    I could swear the Girl and Boy Looked like me
    But I still could not recognize the features of the other two
    But I still felt apart of them in me

    The Girl who looked like me
    Said I am sorry
    I think we have the wrong house

    I replied
    Yes you do
    Before I blast the Gat
    And put a hole in you brats

    They all asked in unison are you Dale Jovan Rodriquez?
    I replied yes and who the hell is yall
    They let a sigh that was so loud
    I could have sworn it would have woke someone up down the hall

    We are your unborn kids they said

    I said to myself, this is the effects of taking Estrogen straight to the head
    The little girl walked up and begin to touch me
    I jumped back quickly and said this swiftly

    If you ****** put a hand on me
    I will send you to the infirmary

    The girl was startled and they all began to be enraged
    They said in a chorus
    This is not the Daddy we know
    You are like an animal in a cage

    The 2 silent ones I could not recognize began to cry
    And the other boy began to ask
    Daddy why do you hate us why?

    I do not know you rug rats
    And it is best that you leave
    I think you got the wrong house
    You got ten seconds to get the hell of my property
    Or I am going to eradicate you like a fatal disease

    The little girl pulled out a picture of woman
    She looked just like the other two kids who were crying
    She said you do not know who this?

    I was like no
    I do not know this ***

    The little girl said YOU SAID THAT WAS A BAD WORD!
    I said if you do not shut yo anus up
    I will show you another word called death, that aint absurd.

    She suddenly back down from her fierce stance
    And the little boy pulled out a cover of Time magazine
    It read Jovan Rodriquez First Afro-Latino winner of Best Director
    It was a picture of me and this strange woman and these 4 brats standing together

    The dude looked just like me
    I closed my eyes and starting pinching myself
    And started saying
    I am waking up
    This is just a dream........

    Whoa what a nightmare
    I dreamed about some unborn expensive *** brats


    To my surprise
    This nightmare was real

    These unborn expensive brats
    Are still here
    I slowly put down my gun
    And began to back up against my door with fear

    They all attempted to jump up on me at the same time
    I yelled out GET YO ***** OFF OF ME!!!

    The Little girl and boy who I could not recognize had made there way up my arms
    And the two other kids who looked like me stood by me
    With my legs wrapped by the squeeze of their little arms

    They all said Daddy why do you dislike us?

    I said roll with me let show you why.

    I said notice that room right there and that other room
    That is my mothers and my sisters
    How can I have kids if I do not even own my house?

    I strolled into the kitchen and cut on the light
    And I said
    Look at all the roaches’ celebrating Fathers day with us
    How can I have kids in a house that is infested by night?

    I took them back to my room and showed them my rejected job applications
    Explained to them that I could not even get a job because of my past felonies
    And I was fired from my last job for whistle blowing and that I was a victim of retaliation

    Told them I was a struggling filmmaker and my life was in limbo
    Told them I could not even go back to college because of a loan I owe
    Told them I would pay it but I have no dough

    I said I do not hate you.

    But right now it is too early for you to come in my life
    I do not want to have children until my mind is stable
    Until I stop having different women every night

    The Little girl who I could not recognize said with a cunning smile of guile
    Mama said she would put a bullet in you if did not treat her right!

    I laughed and said true.
    This is the reason why you are not born.
    Because I am trying to rid myself of malice and scorn
    I want you to be the best kids in the world
    And I want to be Father not A Fornicator
    I want to be a good Husband not a *** Hustler or Playa

    As soon as I said this
    I was alone
    The kids had left but their was a small sheet of paper on the bed

    It was a stick figure drawing of the kids and me and their mother.
    And number one Father it read...
  2. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

    United States
    Mar 26, 2003
    Likes Received:
    brother man...there is really not much i can say in regards to this prose to better it...the title coincided perfectly with the content of work. the story line was truly original, and in today's society where having babies out of wedlock are being defended with rampart, the message was a refreshing one. i am not condoning abortions, not at all, but if you are not ready for a child...you simply aren't ready. the only thing that i thought might be a lil overkill was the last line...#1 father...lol...thas funny right there...maybe something like, we love you pop or simply my dad could have gone there...regardless of this, your poem was outstanding and shone in a meaningful yet comedic light...keep bring them poet...

    one love
  3. MzBlkAngel

    MzBlkAngel Well-Known Member MEMBER

    United States
    Aug 26, 2003
    Likes Received:
    somewhere ova da rainbow....
    Hey Mani,

    This was written well and unqiue indeed very deep something all need to think on bring life into this world...not for doing away with a baby...but you made your point and you hit some truth I have nothing to add in my eyes to add or take away would take away the concept you was trying to bring to the readers...this was posed well.


    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

    United States
    Mar 10, 2004
    Likes Received:
    Technical Analyst
    ATL SHAWTY! Mr. Coli Park
    Oh Khas let me explain that line (#1 Father) - It is explained a bit better in the film version but here we go:

    After the children meet their father and he shows them why he is in the state he is in, they have an immediate catharsis. The youngest boy in the piece whom the father refers too as Sissy Boy (Because he cries alot), draws the picture as a symbol of appreciation for their father right now, who is striving to become the father they know in the future.

    The film explains it alot better, we are slated to shoot summer of 2005. It will be a short film about 30 to 40 minutes long :)
  5. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

    United States
    Jan 14, 2003
    Likes Received:
    The Lone-Star State
    Simply... The BOMB

    Very creative and most interesting subject matter.

    A 10 :1on1: