Black Women : To what extent are you willing to teach someone how to treat you?

Discussion in 'Black Women - Mothers - Sisters - Daughters' started by warriorprincess, Jun 6, 2010.

  1. warriorprincess

    warriorprincess Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Peace Sistars,

    I have a question for you. To what extent are you willing to teach someone how to treat you?

    Often times we teach people how to treat us as we are getting to know someone. Sometimes the teaching can be conscious and sometimes it can be subconscious. This is something that can happen in any area of our lives (personal, professional etc.)

    Sometimes the teaching is a matter of setting a standard, holding firm in that position, and waiting to see if the person will live up to said standard.


    In the area of romantic relationships, I hear some sisters say that they are not willing to teach someone how to treat them. Whomever comes into their life should already KNOW how to treat them. It is my understanding that even though, these people are not consciously doing it, they are still teaching subconsciously. So the question then becomes to what extent is a person willing to do so?

    Any thoughts on this?
     
  2. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I can show them how I would like the be treated, by showing them the same amount of respect, patience, and honor I would want to be bestowed upon me. This is goes especially with the person I am involved with.

    For instance, when my man stresses he gets into these weird funks and sort of acts like a baby...I could easily give up on him or yell at him, but I try to encourage him and tell him that no matter what I have faith in him and remain patient until he gets out of it. I mean sometimes I wish I could slap the hell out him. But I wouldn't want him to leave me in my darkest hours.

    I mean before, yes, my expectations were high and I expected him to come out and already know how to treat me. But they were unrealistic and he is in no way perfect, and neither am I. I believe it takes time to realize how the other person wants to be or deserves to be treated.

    I also don't "expect" everyone to treat me how I would like to be treated, because I can't make anyone treat me any way. I'm not a dictator in that department.

    At the end of the day the only thing that matters is how I treat myself. Others will treat you good or bad depending on how you treat yourself.
     
  3. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    FWIW

    i am a man. i cannot read minds.
     
  4. Proverbs31Woman

    Proverbs31Woman Be kinder than necessary! MEMBER

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    To add: I'm also mindful that your experiences shape how you respond to each other, so depending on the last woman in his life, the standard may not have been set or may have been dysfuntional. So, it's not fair to assume anything, I would go into a relationship on a clean slate and instuct with how I respond to him and on occasion verbalize it. We are growing together, expectations are different from one person to the next, and forthrightness is much appreciated.
     
  5. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    great responds Ladies
     
  6. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    I am pretty much laid back and believe in letting people be who they are without a lot of high maintenance requirements.

    Like MsInterpret said the basics should be reciprocal. Treat him the way I want to be treated. But if the man is high maintenance and requires a lot of conscious instruction then it's probably a mismatch and I would not put a lot of energy into it. My step father told me to accept a man as he is or leave him alone. After wile he would start to feel I am controlling and he will feel resentful that he has to go through so many changes to get me to accept him. He would then either engage in passive-aggressive behaviors that would undermine the relationship or he would just leave without notice. Am I right, brotha James?

    Proverbs you are on point about a clean slate. I don't w ant to pay for what the last woman did and I would not let him pay for what the last man did. And I don't want to be the unwitting recipient of his new found assertiveness training skills. It's all reciprocal.
     
  7. warriorprincess

    warriorprincess Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hmmm... I have heard this one a lot.

    Is it the equivalent of saying personal growth would be great but it's not to be expected?

    When one person grows but the other does not, would they not eventually grow apart?
     
  8. medusanegrita

    medusanegrita Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Ditto that. I already give off a certain vibe of respect, confidence, intelligence, and men already know what things will fly with me and what will not before they ever step to me.

    For instance, I hardly ever get a dude coming up to me sayin 'YO BABY WATUP! LEMMIE GET THAT HOLLA!' or some likewise crap.

    Most men who step to me step to me with poise and respect. They ask me for my name, or my number, follow by a compliment (or a compliment before hand). I can tell in the first 5 minutes if I'm interested in somebody. I don't mind subconscious teaching because we are learning and teaching each other all the time, but step to me wrong and I won't take the time to teach you anything - and even with that you are being taught.
     
  9. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    That's about the size of it. People do grow and people do change but they do it in the direction and at the speed that they want to. That is everyone's right to do that. When we take someone on a s a project expecting them to grow in the direction and at the speed that we require that's kinda disrespectful.

    I realize nobody's perfect and there is always going to be something that ain't quite right to us. Is it something we can live with? Then live with it. Is it something the person has already decided for themselves they want to work on and has made efforts to do so? I would support him in this all the way. But if I have to tell him well if you want to be with me you have to do this and you have to stop doing that, then I know already I am dealing with a mismatch..
     
  10. Proverbs31Woman

    Proverbs31Woman Be kinder than necessary! MEMBER

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    Hmmm, as ponder some of the thoughts shared I see something else in the equation. Growing together doesn't mean we go my way or his way, it's learning about each other and identifying if the chemistry is such that I don't mind bending here or there, and definitely not with an intent to change anyone. As a relationship matures, you will find yourself, man or female, becoming more open minded to things, making compromises for the greater good and embracing differences. One more thing, you can have a brother who was raised to open doors, pull out chairs, walk the outside curb and the rest but depending on who he is with, she may not have that same background and prefers to do it herself. So now he's with you and you appreciate that kind of treatment. Well, during the building phase, this will come to light and unless you uncover your background or signal that you like these things, he won't know. So, to some extent, there needs to be conversation on what you both like or don't like, which is part of getting to know each other. So, growing together isn't at all about the speed or who changing what as it is about the journey. My hope is that the man I'm with would adore me enough to want to work through areas I need some massaging and the like for him. We are all works in progress, so whom ever you allow in your life should understand that we will have challenges to work through and our goal is to be better than yesterday.
     
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