Black Parenting : To the single moms raising young Black men

Discussion in 'Black Parenting' started by queensweet, Mar 9, 2013.

  1. queensweet

    queensweet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I am trying to raise my son to be a strong, young Black man but I know that it is not willed by God for a woman to do so. Even though he does have some positive Black male teachers in his life they are stretched VERY thin due to the overwhelming number of Black boys with absentee and/or deadbeat dads. I have enrolled him in sports with Black male leadership in order to give him that support. But all I ended up with were a bunch a Black men whom themselves don't have direction so how could they properly direct my son. I am at my wits end. I continue to pray because I see our circumstances getting worse in the Black community and I DO NOT want my son to be apart of the statistics of the judiciary system.

    So I ask all my fellow sistas.... where do I go from here? Any suggestions?

    ATTENTION: Brother Clyde brought the excellent point to my attention the question as to whether brothers can also offer their input on this matter. So I humbly ask my fellow brothers with insight into this persistent issue in our community to also give their good input and suggestions. Good help is good help.
     
  2. Clyde C Coger Jr

    Clyde C Coger Jr going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    In the Spirit of Sankofa,




    ... Welcome queensweet, the door is wide open for this question... what if brothers wanted to offer suggestions, or is it restricted to sistas?




    Peace In,


     
  3. queensweet

    queensweet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank you for the welcome! You bring an excellent point which will give me a broader scope of how to deal with this matter. I do not have any objections to brothers offering suggestions.
     
  4. Clyde C Coger Jr

    Clyde C Coger Jr going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Thanks... There are some decent and good brothers out there that may be able to help...
     
  5. Black-king

    Black-king Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Since you say brothers can help, first I suggest that you by find out who you are as a person? If you are a so called Black woman of slave descent you are an Israelite, and as an Israelite you need to repent and come back to learn the laws ,statutes and and commandments of the most High, which will give you the knowledge and discipline needed to help yourself and raise your son right, most importantly, you will be around righteous family who will help you guide your son.
    http://israelunite.org/
     
  6. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    :hello: queensweet ... :welcome1: :welcome: :welcome1: ... :wave: :wave: :wave:

    Thanks for joining us and sharing!

    Bless your sweet heart, my first suggestion is to stop saying / believing that you can't do it ... YOU CAN!

    Why would the Creator / God give us such an important task, with no ability to actually do it?

    You can do it! I've heard this said so many times, a woman can't raise a man, can't help her Son be a man, that men who are from single mother families are somehow lacking in manhood compared to those who had both parents ... that is so not true ... and there is LOTS of evidence proving that it is not true.

    Certainly if one can have both parents actively involved in the baby's life, that would be better, but there are a bunch of young Black Men with both parents who are dead, in prison, caught up in those statistics you mention regarding Black Men ... there's simply no guarantee that either family will get the end they hope for their Sons ... it's a struggle for both / all.

    Yes, it's harder alone ... but it can be done ... you have to know that first ... your Son can feel it i think.

    Your confidence, your ability to guide him, will help him be able to come to you, lean on you, all of that.

    If you don't have that ... why would he come to you ... if you're already saying and believing, you can't help him.

    So my first suggestion is to change that thinking.

    Second ... you should be wary of who you hand your Son over to. Yes, there is lots of talk about finding them mentors, other Black Men to guide them, but that's fraught with many traps and snares too. Like you said, you gotta trust them, see that there is something right and proper about their lives, before handing your baby over. Most times, folk are only gonna put their good stuff on the table, never revealing what lies deep within. You owe it to your child to keep them safe, and this might not be so safe. Of course if the Black Man is his own Uncle, Cousin, GrandFather, something like that ... you can be more at ease ... but as his Mother you should never put your guard down in this area, for the very one you hand him over to, could be the one that traumatizes him more.

    I think it's great that you can get him into sports, keep his hands and mind busy, plus he gets to be around other Black Men ... that's great ... and if you can keep that happening, while watching closely all the time ... very good.

    My last suggestion would be to build up the relationship between you and him. Let him know you have his back, you're in his corner, you're doing all you can to help him and the entire Family come out alive and well. Explain to him that you don't know everything, that you all will have to work together on many things, that he'll have to trust you on most (even if it may not look right to him at the time) ... build a TEAM! ... that's what you gotta do ... build a TEAM!

    You probably have never raised a whole family before, even girls, so you may not be sure you can do it ... but you do your best ... that's the case for all of us ... most only raise one family in a lifetime ... rarely do we have multiple families to show that we raised ... but we gotta do it ... we gotta have confidence that we can ... and we move forward in that, to complete the task.

    Approach the raising of your Son the same ... a job to do ... and you gotta do it ... and i'm confident you can and will do it well!

    I'd like to ask how old your Son is, if you don't mind sharing.

    Remain forever encouraged Sister!

    Love You!

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  7. queensweet

    queensweet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    He is 13 years old.

    But no matter how much support a mother gives, the boys are still hungry for that male attention. It is their need and right to have that connection. But unfortunately in our community, it is not provided.

    I was born and raised for most of my childhood in the hood. And I will tell you this problem is why a lot of our men become a bunch of angry Black men.
     
  8. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    13 is a very precarious age ... he's coming to many forks in the road of his life right now.

    Even though he's still just a baby ... should not be having to face such ... that is the plight of our young men.

    You really need to be very vigilant right now, keep him close to you, protect him, make a pact with him, become his best friend ... if you haven't already. The strength of your relationship with him, the respect he has for you, can make all the difference right now in his life.

    Yes, he may be hungry for a lot of things he does not have. He may be hungry for steak, but all you can give him is chicken. He may be hungry for all the latest technology devices, but all you can give him is a remote control for the tv, with a few channels he can click thru. He may be hungry for the latest clothes, but he's gotta wear what you can afford.

    My point is ... there will always be something that they hunger for ... and cannot have.

    You can't make a Black Man miraculously appear for him. You can't do that. No more than you can make the steak be on the dinner table every night he wants it. So what. You gotta keep it moving. You gotta give him what you can, all you can .. give him to know and understand that you are doing that ... and you, him, and all involved must learn to be thankful for what you do have, and not lamenting too much over what you don't have.

    God made him a man at birth ... it's up to you to get him grown and keep him alive and free to adulthood.

    The rest will be on him, but you gotta give him stuff to help move forward from that point ... and it starts in the womb ... at birth ... reinforced all along the way ... and if you keep saying you can't do it, you don't have what it takes ... you're sabotaging your own effort (and his life).

    If you say you can't, believe you can't ... the chances are great ... you can't. Where does that leave him?

    It's simply not a position a Single Black Mother can take, in my opinion, though i have heard many say it.

    Love You!

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  9. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    I think too ... that oftentimes ... it's more devastating to the Mother that the Father is not present ... that she's been left alone to do such a great task, that required two to create ... the loss of the relationship ... how easily the Father moved on ... the Single Mother's pain from this can be so great ... she can't imagine it being any less for the child ... but children are resilient ... oftentimes they take their queues from us ... if we're devastated and traumatized ... so are they ... if we have no confidence, neither will they ... if we don't believe the baby can be fine without a Father, or without a Mother, or without a leg, or without riches, or without anything they currently do not have ... then the chances are great the baby will feel that too.

    Single Mothers have a lot more influence, impact, and control than they want to lay claim to.

    In fact, laying claim to such almost excuses the absent Father, for he is not the focal point anymore, and that's hard for the Single Mother to do ... given that great emotion, pain, heartache, a host of heavy feelings are involved.

    But as the Single Mother ... you gotta let all of that go ... for the sake of the baby.

    Sister queensweet ... i'm not saying this is the case for you ... just a general observation i've noticed.

    Love You!

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  10. Omowale Jabali

    Omowale Jabali The Cosmic Journeyman PREMIUM MEMBER

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    I agree for the most part, but at the age of 13, he is NOT a 'baby'. He is a young man, in middle school, and if he is not sexually active, he most likely will be soon.

    So my suggestion is to treat him as a young MAN, teach him respect for the opposite gender, teach him to be responsible, teach him the possible consequences if he becomes sexually active and does not use protection.

    Best regards.
     
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