To Spank or Not To Spank

Discussion in 'Black Parenting' started by NNQueen, Dec 30, 2003.

  1. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    A discussion started in another thread about disciplining Black children. Some people believe that Black children need to be disciplined differently than other children, particularly white children. Some of us believe in the old saying: "spare the rod, spoil the child". Spankings, to some, are one of the most effective ways to discipline our children. Parents that support "spankings" think they are a good way to get the right attention of the child, send the message that what they did was unacceptable and forces them to learn not to repeat the behavior. Sort of like Pavlov's dog theory.

    Some people also don't believe that parents can "negotiate" with their children because parents and children aren't equal. To some extent, these parents don't believe that spanking a child is abusive and when the rod is spared, children don't grow up to become leaders in our society.

    It's widely known that most Black children were/are raised under the "spanking" rule. Not many of us can testify honestly that we never got one while growing up. Some of us would probably even agree that we deserved some form of punishment, but wished we could have "negotiated" our way out of getting a "spanking" if it was possible.

    There are all sorts of ways and techniques that our parents use to get our attention when they think we did something wrong. Staring down, pinching, slapping, hair pulling, thumping, spankings and yes, downright beatings, were among the arsenal used by parents to let a child know they didn't like what they did. It's all become a part of our African-American tradition. But I wonder why many of us believe that this is the tried and true method that makes us who we become as adults?

    To say that we are who we become due to the "spankings" we received is scarey to me. Administering and teaching discipline is one thing, but my question is, is spanking the only way or even the best way?

    In addition to this discussion, some people believe that our children are running amok in our society today and the reason is largely due to the fact that Black parents are hesitant to spank their children anymore because they fear being charged with child abuse. First of all, do you think this is true and secondly, do you think that the child abuse laws in America are part of a racist conspiracy theory to perpetuate the continuing oppression of Blacks? My reason for this question is because if white people have learned that Black kids get "spankings" as part of their disciplinary regimen, to take that option away from Black parents, will put their homes in chaos and Black families, primarily children, at greater risk for committing acts that will land them in trouble with the system.

    What are your thoughts?

    Peace :spinstar:
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    there is no doubts indeed the spank rule is
    very affective in many ways then one it helps set
    standards in the home it set forth respect for the
    parents and it also allow the children to know in
    right or wrong what they face a good spanking
    this indeed is viewed differently but also like a great
    triditional thing in mostly every home the one who
    spare the rod is because the rod was laid to them
    so the choice is to not spank but talking will not help
    when a child is yet so young it's better to spank and
    save them from trouble then to let them control you
    as they reach an age of teenhood then talking sometime sink in better then the belt....spanking will also help stop the high risk
    of black children being hit with trouble and making wild acts
    yes it really all start at home with the parents even some still
    go on the wrong path it's not that they didn't know better or was
    spared the rod growing up
    if you set a standard from earily age of a child life as they grow
    then yes u can spare the rod but the look expression is the key
    i was not beaten but yes got many spankings but the look
    was the key moma look at u one way u know to hush or sitdown
    dad give u the eye and u know what to do this was strongly done
    in my childhood days ...good spanking is keeping control
    and saving a child from the system , jails , trouble it go on & on
    just how i see it and was raised up under the belt.
     
  3. SayWord

    SayWord Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think you need to spank your kids. I don't think you spank them for everything they do wrong. But some things, they need to feel it, to understand that they can never, ever do that again. Sometimes they need to :bawling: in order to learn.
     
  4. HerukhuMaat

    HerukhuMaat Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    As an adult, I don't enjoy being hit. If my boss reprimands me by hitting me, I'd be, resentful, afraid or vengeful.
    I feel it' s the same with children. Children don't enjoy or deserve to be hit.
    Adults spank kids out of their own personal embarassment, frustration, lack of communication, and learned behavior from when they were children themselves.

    We tell our kids not to hit other kids but turn around and spank them when they display behavior and attitudes we deem unaccaptable. This is a very damaging way to handle disciplining. Many times children don't even understand why you're punishing them. Hitting creates fear and resentment.
    I don't think either is effective or conducive to raising a healthy child.
     
  5. DayDream

    DayDream Member MEMBER

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    I think that the question to spank or not to spank depends on the child. With some children, simple punishment (no tv, no phone, etc) is effective. Then, you have those that need something a little extra to understand the point that you are trying to get across. I got plenty of spankings...beatings as a child and without them, I would not be where I am today but that is only because I was one of the ones who didn't care about not having tv or phone priviledges. I considered those types of punishments getting off easy but when it came down to getting a beating, I thought twice about doing what it was that I was about to do. I would have liked to negotiate my way out of a beating but that wouldn't have stopped my behavior. I would have been lying through my teeth say that I would "never do it again" or "I'll try harder next time". All b.s., basically saying "yeah, I'll say whatever you want me to say as long as you don't hit me".
     
  6. SayWord

    SayWord Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    HerukhuMaat, I don't think adults should be spanked. If you do something wrong at work and your boss spanks you, you need to lay your boss out. You can call me up, I'll help you. But you are an adult, not a child. Some children need to feel it for them to understand. It's not always the parents lack of communication, but sometimes the child's lack of understanding. I work with kids, and I've been around kids that needed to be spanked and around kids that it just took words. Depends on the child. I'm all for spankings as long as the spanker doesn't cross the line into abuse. When I was a kid, I got spanked. I got spanked a couple of times. After a spanking, I never made that mistake again. As I got older, my parents discplined me differently. My mother would bring me into the kitchen and tell me to cook with her while she talked to me about what I did wrong. My father and I would clean together and talk about what I did. After a certain age, spankings weren't nessecary. When I have children, if I have to, I'll spank them. Not because I'm mad that my parents spanked me, but because I see the benefits of it and how it helped me. I'd like to think that I'm a pretty complete and decent person. My parents raised me well. I want to try to raise my children along the same lines that my parents raised me.
     
  7. HerukhuMaat

    HerukhuMaat Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    When you have children, you'll probably think differently.
    Now... let's not be silly, I hypothetically made the reference to a boss because they signify an authority figure, not because my boss (I work for myself, by the way) has hit me. It just amazes me how one can hit an innocent defenseless child as a form of discipline. If you hit an adult, an adult would surely hit back, come back and kill you or inform some type of law enforcement authority. Regardless, if it were an adult, there would be some type of ramification.

    My parents disciplined me too with the belt. Sometimes it was for things that were simple misunderstandings. When I got beatings I just found more creative ways to trick my parents. I can say beatings only taught me to become a better liar. I also developed some fear for them as well as resentment. Beating someone is usually used when you want to instill fear, to break them down through force. Make your will bend. Beatings also made me defiant to authority and authority figures. I grew up as a good kid. Never stole or been arrested, or in trouble with the law (never even a negative experience with law enforcement). Don't smoke or drink. Did well in school. Started my own business.
    I didn't turn out too bad, but imagine what more I could have accomplished
    with more understanding and positive reinforcement.

    However, I attribute that to good family values,not beatings. In fact I can point to negative experiences and negative personality traits that are a direct cause of fear or defiancy that was a direct result of beatings. My father told me that if he had to do it all over again he wouldn't have administered beatings. He watches my son and I interact and even reminds me to not be so hard on him in some cases. Adults often put adult problems and situations on children.
    The realm of the adult and the realm of the child are very different. We have to put ourselves back into the child realm sometimes when relating to our children.

    Parents who are obsessive about perfection in children, are being abusive in a different way. They live their lives seeking the acceptance of their parents and burn out very early in life. So what kids need is love, support and attention. Not criticism and abuse.
     
  8. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    but it's true some kids need it a little as a parent
    it's our means for the best of the child or children
    surely mostly everyone has a spanking in life or will
    due to some badly acts sometime talking or the right
    punishment can help like daydream stated no T.V , outside
    or any fun things but sometime it really do help until you
    but a belt to their behind .......it's not crul or taking self
    anger out on them because i had a wonderful child hood
    and i also one that had the teaching from the belt it made
    me a better man a very great Father and a heart of goodness
    it's all about what we spank our children about and most time
    they already know why this spanking is taking place
    talking to a child who is bad in school will not make them better
    it go in one ear and out the next i know i was one of those kids
    but that belt made me get into the books and learn that very
    spanking that made me learn is today greatful
    i learn to own my own business today
    sometime a spanking can save a life ....this a fact
    some kids are raised in nice hoods and better living but a
    lot of blacks are not so lucky and have to come up in the
    danger zones of Drugs , Guns , Gangs , and lot more crap
    in the streets so we have to come down to keep our children
    from falling by the waste side a spanking can't hurt and later will be thankful not saying beat a child but the belt is alright
    for the right reasons .....
    we all have different points of view but where i'm from and what
    i know my children & grandchildren will know that respect and
    learning is the key in life so when they go wrong i will lay the belt to them .....
    surely one day they will thank me for it
    for not that will run over you in time
    peace
     
  9. CarrieMonet

    CarrieMonet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    My daughter is now 16 years old and hasn't had a spanking since she was 12. She didn't really get spankings much before age 5 but got about 6 good ones between ages 5 and 12. I know for a fact that she fully understood WHY she recieved that type of discipline instead of her usual no tv or extras. I never BEAT my daughter because there was no need to do that. Many times she would be in check with a simple "showing"of the belt.
    I have always been able to communicate well with her, and a choice to give her a spanking was more about consequences rather than my parental shortcomings. If she was deliberately disobedient...testing our boundaries, she would get a spanking. It worked wonders as I have not had to discipline her in that way for almost 5 years.
    She has a good head on her shoulders, she is approaching womanhood beautifully and I'm proud of the person she is. She is in no rush to be an adult, she is not fast, she does not hang in the streets, and she is enjoying her last few years of childhood.

    Some of her friends run away from home, slap and curse their parents, and skip school...and brag about how their parents never spank or discipline them. Those kids are far from INNOCENT and defenseless. Spanking does not equate criticism...and is far from abusive.
     
  10. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    indeed very well said i truely agree and i too
    didn't have to spank my kids like a daily meal
    only when needed my son is 11 and had 3 spanking from
    me in his young life but i will bare down when needed
    so far he's a good child to be a boy growing up in the
    heart of the Gangs & Drugs so i think the few spankings
    did him good i just pray he continue his good ways and
    stay on the path of GOD
     
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