Poetry Critiques : To Live For (Spoken Word)

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by Young Poet, Feb 15, 2005.

  1. Young Poet

    Young Poet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    -deleted the poem for now
     
  2. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    what happened to the poem? don't be afraid to share poet...poetry knows no color.

    one love
    khasm
     
  3. Young Poet

    Young Poet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Figured if I wasn't wanted on one forum, I wouldn't be wanted on any of em'.
     
  4. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    drop your poem man and i'll critique it...it's as simple as that

    one love
    khasm
     
  5. Young Poet

    Young Poet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    The truth is the youth is confused talking about some game
    being troublesome just to earn some fame
    from people who dont care about you,
    unless you benifit them they doubt you.

    See we thrive on our own personal wealth,
    meaning I only look out for myself,
    so if what you're doing isn't going to increase my lead and health,
    then you can keep your advancement steps to yourself.
    What I'm sayin is you don't have to watch the females doing all the switchin',its our male brothers, tryin' to be the hardest in the world,
    but really trapped as industry suckers.

    You'll be quick to let everyone know how hard you roll,
    keeping your flow, maintaining your slow stroll,
    not realizing the industry is whats really in control,
    you'll stay looking good, but your pockets still hold no doe.

    So, I advise you to pick up a book or somethin' and learn some
    knowledge, forget MTV this is the real world but you're
    too caught up in the media parade to worry about college.

    And their the ones who let you think its cool
    but how many people have you heard been referred to as a fool
    for staying in high school? And I know I am not the one to talk
    about the path of virtue, And I'm not asking you to follow the
    same path as I do, But, I challenge you to find something
    not worth dieing for, but to live for.

    This whole world is your competition so look at me as your enemy,
    View me as your adversary and listen to me speak.. I am the sacrifice, through my words I am the Lamb of God.
     
  6. Prizefighter16

    Prizefighter16 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Overall the poem was good. You can tell that it is spoken word...however, if you want to present it written down, you might want to format it. this is up to you, because it's your work. Be creative, but this is an example of how it could look :)

    Also...I noticed that the last line which was "through my words, I am the Lamb of God." Im not sure if you wanna keep that line, it kind of contradicts the whole outlook of the poem, which exumerates survival of the fittest.

    "The truth is
    the youth is
    confused talking about some game
    being troublesome just to earn some fame
    from people who dont care about you,
    unless you benifit them they doubt you.

    See we thrive on our own personal wealth,
    meaning I only look out for myself,
    so if what you're doing isn't going to increase my lead and health,
    then you can keep your advancement steps to yourself.
    What I'm sayin is
    you don't have to watch the females doing all the switchin',
    its our male brothers, tryin' to be the hardest in the world,
    but really trapped as industry suckers.

    You'll be quick to let everyone know how hard you roll,
    keeping your flow, maintaining your slow stroll,
    not realizing the industry is whats really in control,
    you'll stay looking good, but your pockets still hold no doe.

    So, I advise you to pick up a book or somethin'
    and learn some knowledge,
    forget MTV
    this is the real world but you're too caught up in the media parade
    to worry about college.

    And their the ones who let you think its cool
    but how many people have you heard been referred to as a fool
    for staying in high school?
    And I know I am not the one to talk about the path of virtue,
    And I'm not asking you to follow the same path as I do,
    But, I challenge you to find something
    not worth dieing for,
    but to live for.

    This whole world is your competition
    so look at me as your enemy,
    View me as your adversary
    and listen to me speak..
    I am the sacrifice, through my words I am the Lamb of God."
     
  7. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    this was a good spoken joint...you had me up to the sacrifice part...i didn't quite understand that...could you explain that to me...other then that...i really don't see any changes...tyte piece man

    one love
    khasm
     
  8. HODEE

    HODEE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Great poem. welcome to Destee.

    I think I see your poin thru the comment " I'm the sacrifice. " Society has let the youth fall thru the cracks and are driving them to depression wit the nonsense and the crap. Causing them to turn away from growing into productive women and men. Taking the attitude keep up with this madness and take it on the chin. Calling them generation X, and suspressing them in a vise. of corruption, murder and your 18 give the military your life. I think I get your point. I liked the line.

    " The truth is the youth is confused talking about some game
    being troublesome just to earn some fame "

    The youth is represented by you and many like you. If the madness is to change. Your at the age to make that change. So vote. Make your voice heard. Speak out and deliver the word. Fight for all you deserve and alongthe way do not compromise your good intentions and trade them in for bad. God does love all his children. The grown one's too.

    The poem is on point and was focused. Keep flowing
     
  9. Young Poet

    Young Poet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks to all of you for giving me feedback.. Because of the conflict I have ran into with a lot of the males on this site, which I didn't intend for my comments to go that way, I didn't expect such positive feedback.

    Thanks once again,
    Young Poet
     
  10. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    tyte joint for spoken word
    speaketh on i like
     
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