Black Relationships : To Judge a Person by their past or not?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by legit-writer, Nov 19, 2011.

  1. legit-writer

    legit-writer Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Two questions:

    1. If you was getting to know someone and they say they are interested in you, and they tell you that they used to cheat, would you give them a chance still or would that be a deal breaker because you have in the back of your mind that they may do the same to you, even though they say they have changed. If you do give them a chance, would you expect something or another from them that will constantly assure you that they will not cheat on you and that have truly changed?

    2. If you was getting to know someone and they tell you that they used to be in prison, whether it's for drug dealing, or anything that would result in serious time behind bars, but they tell you that they are not like that anymore and that they have changed, would you give them a chance still. Why or why not?
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    1. All depend if there is signs of redeem and redemption, everyone can change and often do
    sometime for the betterment of self and some well change for the worst but they change
    it would play a tune in the back of the mind if they truely have but as life we live is taken
    chances yes i would look for something a sign that say they trueful, I think everyone should
    be given a chance to prove themselves .......Think about it they was trueful enough to admit
    there wrong of the past was a major key to change so yes i would.

    2. yes......everyone is not as guilty and again signs of redemption and they have redeem
    themselves as well i would look at it as they paid the price once why should convict them again
    if they not real or trueful it will show , but i will not allow myself to get deep until i'm sure
     
  3. blackeyes

    blackeyes Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    1. I totally agree w/ RICH.
    2. No ma'am! I used to watch Oz on HBO.
     
  4. Asomfwaa

    Asomfwaa Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    1) Deal breaker. My motto is that "a love sometimes punishes." Our justice should not be about 'assurances' that one would not do something again, but about punishing those who do wrong. Granted, living by ideal standards will keep you single, but you also won't be cheated on. ;-)

    2) Serious time behind bars? Like Black man or White man serious time? A "sister" (I'll use the proper gender for me) who steals a candy bar and gets twenty-five years seems like a fine person to me; but na, I don't care if you say you won't burn a Church again, you're getting out of my house, now!
     
  5. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    I feel ya but don't you think one can redeem self /change and with proof still ya heart
    would be cold and pose a death ear because of a lost past and not give a chance to a
    future....???
     
  6. Asomfwaa

    Asomfwaa Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Well, my goal in a relationship is to find my complement. I do not understand 'complements' so much, but supposing that 'other half' means 'someone very similar to me' then speaking from personal experience I avoided doing wrong ever. So, I do not think that one who did wrong is my complement thus that person is not for me.

    Maybe they can change themselves, but that is not what I perceive my complement to do. My complement was always a perfectionist. ;-)
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    Well understood , which the choice is indeed yours and to what you seek.....
     
  8. rapunzal24

    rapunzal24 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I wouldn't hold it against someone if I found out that they had cheated in a previous relationship. I can look back at myself and see that I was immature in certain aspects of a relationship. So, I would let the chips fall where they may, and not hold it against a brother. Now if you had cheated on me before, then that is a definite no, because I would not trust you and that is not fair to you or me.

    When it comes to prison, it all depends on the circumstances and what you did. Murder, rape, child molestation, those things I wouldn't be able to deal with ever. However, if prison is in your past, I would probably keep a closer eye on you, lol.
     
  9. info-moetry

    info-moetry STAFF STAFF

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    peace

    For one it depends on how the topic came up in the conversation. Did he offer it, or was it a question (s) that you asked that led up to that answer. Either way, if he says that he cheated YOU will find it VERY HARD to trust him whenever you can't get in contact with him because the seed has been planted and there is no way from stopping it from growing... Not even time!
     
  10. MimiBelle

    MimiBelle Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    1. Depends. Why’d they cheat? Have they learned from the situation? I want to see some ‘growth’...which, I’d assume, would be their reason for sharing...right? Cheating? Meh. Happens to the best of us. You discover your breaking points, weaknesses and learn how to not place yourself in vulnerable situations. I don't prod for that kind of info. That they mentioned their past without coaxing, is a good thing.
    Would I expect something?
    I'm not an emotional thinker.
    If an individual tells you something in 'in confidence'....? It's ridiculous to throw it in their face or use it against them. If it were me, that would piss me off. I'm a 'closed book'. I don't divulge for the hell of it. I take great offense if a person engaged in what I would consider to be a gross misuse of my trust.
    Let's address the REAL problem. It's not my cheating past. It's THEIR insecurity. It's not about 'me'; they're just taking their inner issues out on ME.
    Had I anticipated such a reaction coming down the line when I expressed myself? I wouldn't have....

    ***********************

    2. Hell no.
    An excon for a mate is an embarassment and would reflect poorly upon me, his wife. No, I don't want a drug-dealer or violent person for a mate. Wouldn't care if it were a white collar crime. Talk about hair-splitting. "Oh, he hasn't killed anyone. He just embezzled some money."

    Uh, yeah...because deception and manipulaton are victimless crimes....*smirk*
    I mean, who wouldn't breathe easier sharing a bed with a thief and con artist....?
    *sigh*

    People like this? I find them lacking as human beings. There's something 'missing'. Something that causes them to gravitate towards 'wrong'. Something within that says, "This person has what I want. I'm going to take it."; "So what if it destroys lives? I'm going to sell it to them, anyway."; "This guy has some money; I'm going to stomp his brains out..."; "Who cares how i get money? So, long as I get it."

    The basic personality of an individual does not change. I prefer to steer clear of broken people.

    I mean, few are gonna come out and say:
    "I cheat on everyone and I'll probably cheat on you, too. I'm just an a-hole that doesn't know who treat anyone...."
    "I can't get close to people."
    "I have anger issues. I stalked my last girl...."
    "Hi. I lie...a lot."

    No. That's what your brain is for. To assess and evaluate.

    Relationships with hustlers, thugs, ex-cons? Those are for dense b...ches/future babymamas that love dysfunction or naive women (usually young females with little exp with men) who continuously sell themselves short...po' thangs.

    SMART women know that 'street men' deserve 'street women'.

    Men like this are usually only good for sex and good times. They don’t make for good mates (until middle-age forces them to slow down and even then! A woman has to carry them b/c these idiots usually spend their 20-30's 'living for today' as opposed to working on a career, acquiring assets and planning for retirement).
    You don't fall in love with them. You don't settle with them and you sure as heck don't make children with them.
    Date 'up', females.
    UP.
     
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