Black Relationships : To Be Honest or Not to Be

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by legit-writer, Aug 29, 2009.

  1. legit-writer

    legit-writer Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I am confused about how people confide in the other about something deep within them, and then later when they are in whatever state of mind they are in, they would throw it back in your face. I am not sure why that happens. I almost feel like if they are the type who throws things back in your face, then why bother telling them what's on your mind? When you confide in someone, it isn't meant to be thrown back in your face. I also do not understand why at one time I am told that me telling them how I feel is what made them like me, but later, it causes them to hate me. I don't get that at all.

    This weekend, I learned that we should have mercy on others, because we are going to want to have mercy on us some time or another. I understand that fully, I don't have a problem showing mercy to people, but it shouldn't have to take me enduring disrespect and being insulted in the process. I won't dish it out to them, and if they feel like I am doing so, then they need to tell me. I am not going to make them feel stupid for telling me. And I am not going to use mercy as a way to get away with things and keep disrespecting the people that I claim I love. Basically I am confused right now, because I am not sure sometimes how to talk to people. I am not sure that whatever comes out of my mouth, it will be the wrong thing to say. I know for a fact that i am not going to tell someone how I feel only when THEY give me "permission" to, because I am not a child. I am going to tell one how I feel whether or not they like it. One thing that cannot be said about me is that I haven't been honest about what I'm thinking. I don't get it when the same thing that is liked about you, later on can't be stood. It's funny how that happens, but it does. I guess I need some feedback on when it's best to tell a person what I am thinking (not on their terms, but on mine) and when it's best to just keep my mouth shut, and go on about my day.
     
  2. MRS. LADY

    MRS. LADY Banned MEMBER

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    The thing about shring ur deepest feelings is really really a beautiful thing. You are actually sharing what makes you feel vulnerable. Your submitting ur emotions to someone else.

    Although we still love people that throw our vulnerabilities in our face we must realize that they are using what we have told them to hurt us, because they are hurt.... it shows a lack of self control, and also a cycle in which u can chose to enter into or rise above....

    the idea is to listen to ur own feelings with regard to that person, and don't place higher expectations on them then u know they are capable of...

    if they can't respect ur secret in their weakest moment it's up to u to remove that kind of exchange from the relationship.....

    if a person tells u they like something about u, and then tries to use that exact thing against u... their actions show that the intent in their heart regardless if they're aware of it or not, is to hurt you for whatever reason, they could envy that same thing they admire overall, and the harsh reality is that this senerio proly falls into that

    mercy is not a synonym for victim...

    having mercy in this instance would be defined as not retaliating by disrespecting what that other may have told u, but retaining the friendship and not giving that person the ability to hurt u again by sharing ur deepest... it's about learning from the experience, and deciding if this person fits into the principles u have established for ur life.... if u set the standard for ur relationships and stick to them, what will change is u will draw the type of people into ur life, that won't let u down in this way.

    peace

    and I will give u an example of how this works:

    My best friend, and I got into a difference of opinion. I met a guy. She decided to pursue the guy behind my back. I knew and even warned her that he was just out to hump and dump, so in the end it happened to her. I told her that I couldn't mess wit her, that it wasn't about the guy at all, and that it was more everything she did behind my back to sleep with him, and since it was someone that we had just met, it was strange she would dis-respect the trust when she could have just told me, and I would not have cared in the least. I told her I already knew what she would do. It was my expectation, because she always messes with someone's man, and then calls the police and acts like she can't understand why they want to beat her up. I had already told her not to call me when she got beef over being with someone's dude.

    She always thought people were jealous of her, and she is very beautiful, but the truth is people didn't like her because you couldn't trust her around ur man.

    This was the year that my mom pass'd, so when I spoke the truth to her about herself, she decided to leave me a message that my mom wasn't shiss..... now this fact, I know because I was the one that shared some of my experiences with her..

    The point is my mother had nothing to do with the situation.... she couldn't fact the truth about herself, so she tried to hurt me...

    I haven't talked to her in 3 yrs... not because i dislike her, but more because the maintenence on our relationship was too costly ....

    I miss her sometimes because they're things that I like about her, but overall I would be the fool if I allowed a repeat, and with her the truth is her life only goes in a circle......

    I wish I could change that, but that is her responsibility

    AND SINCE I KNOW THIS IS PROLY BOUT THE OPPOSITE:

    Baby daddy same thing.... we argued about something I had done.... he was hurt so he decided to say to me .. that's why u and ur mom share men... i had told him that when i was in high school my mom slept with one of my boyfriends because she was angry at her man.. he was the brother... she didn't want to hurt me, she was acting out of her own selfish pain, and didn't think how that might effect our relationship... and my son's father he was really tryin to hurt my heart....

    everyone in this scenerio got cut off..... i maintained a relationship with them. I just took the ability for any of them to hurt me away, by realizing their capablities, and removing my emotions from their control.....

    they all have made me a better person, that makes better decsions with regard to relationships.

    Now although I didn't have the ability to change the people. I did have the ability to be honest with myself, and mold myself into a person that doesn't participate in these forms of oppression

    WHEN I LET THESE THINGS GET ME DOWN I BEGIN TO SELF DESTRUCT. WHEN I REALIZE THAT THESE ARE ALL FORMS OF OPPRESSION AND IT BEGINS TO RUB OFF ON MY CHARACTER AND THEIR NEGATIVATY STARTS TO AFFECT MY MENTAL WELL BEING AND BEGINS TO DRAG ME DOWN, THE PIGGY BACK HAS TO END.

    BE HONEST WITH URSELF ABOUT THE EFFECTS OTHERS' HAVE ON U AND REMOVE URSELF FROM NEGATIVE SITUATIONS. DON'T EXPECT THE RE-RUN OF THE OUTCOME TO BE AN ALTERNATE ENDING, BECAUSE THAT IS LYING TO URSELF, AND UR EMOTIONS WON'T ALLOW THAT, AND THEY TELL U THAT... TO LISTEN TO UR EMOTIONS OR TO NOT LISTEN IS THE QUESTION... THE ANSWER IS IN THE WAY U FEEL EACH AND EVERY DAY, AND TAKING STEPS TO HEAL URSELF, AND FREE URSELF FROM WHATEVER IT IS THAT IS CAUSING U PAIN OR MAKING U FEEL INFERIOR.
     
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