Black Relationships : Tips For Single Mothers Raising Sons

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Destee, Feb 2, 2004.

  1. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Brothers ... do you have any tips that single Mothers can use to help them raise, understand, and guide their sons into manhood?

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  2. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I may not give the best answers, because I was not raised in a single parent home. Although from observing many single mothers over the years, here are a few of my opinions:

    1. Provide them with examples of the type of men you want them to be.
    2. Do not try to shelter them from the world.
    3. Disclipline them, and don't turn a blind eye to whatever wrongs they might be doing.
    4. Do not insult their father, or degrade men in front of them. After all, your son more than likely did not cause your separation. However ultimately his opinion of his father is a block on which his own self worth is build.
    5. Be an active participant in his activities....
     
  3. ZeroGravity

    ZeroGravity Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I was asked this question a few years ago by a single mother raising a teenage son. She said that she was talking to her teenage son and asked him if he understood what it meant to be a man? ... what his role in life would be as a man? Her concern was wondering if she, being a single mother raising a son, had provided good examples, material, and people in his life that could help prepare him for adulthood; she said she was at a loss, as a woman, for what she could do for him and was wondering if she could do anything at all.

    Her son answered her, he said 'no'. He basically said that he doesn't know any men that he gets to see the day to day stuff of their roles in a family unit. I would agree with panafrica's #1 answer "Provide them with examples of the type of men you want them to be." Exposure I think is critical in helping to shape differing mindsets and perspectives. They must be exposed to more than their immediate surroundings in order to know that the world is much greater and diverse than the environment they currently are in.

    My answer to her was to raise him to be a good person and he will be a good man. Teach him responsibility and he will be a responsible man...what you want him to be as a man, instill in him and set by example those qualities or characteristics as a person. Adulthood is by default, there are no classrooms or tests you have to take to become an adult, instill in him core values and they will follow him into manhood.

    Peace my Sister
     
  4. Sun Ship

    Sun Ship Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Maybe these thoughts will help also

    Make sure he is around older Black men, uncles, grandfathers and other wise elders.They can contribute more to his development than “just” intellectual mentors. Believe me old stories and helping an old man fix a fence or handing him a tool goes a long way, in a young man’s development, no matter what he is to become.

    When you are having repair work done at home, by a Black man, make him go and watch or if safe, make him assist. I don’t care if that Black man is unstopping the drain or fixing your computer.

    Make him help all the women in the family and exercise his male strength.

    Allow him to be exposed to strong and functional black men in your life. And don’t let him attach his self to every man you are temporarily dating. If you are just out to have fun or get your groove on, leave your son out of the middle of these type relationships. If he grows up remembering going to the park with you and several of your former lovers, than something’s wrong. Send your child to your sister’s house or something.

    Watch how you carry yourself, watch what you say and the type of influences you have around him in general. If you want your son to marry a decent women, than you and other female members of your family are his first examples of what decent is.

    Talk about the virtues of Black men past-on, (family first and other heroes second), display these strong black men on your walls, rent movies about valiant actions among Black men, though you are not going to totally prevent your sons, from exercising the frivolity of youth and sometimes the madness of developing into male-hood in this present-day world, but remember, if one man lights the fire, those nearby can feel the warmth, and those far away can see the smoke and those who come later will see the evidence of this man and ponder.

    Just as some may say don’t baby a male-child; don’t freak out and make your son feel bad if he’s not a hard-core roughneck male at 12 years old. Some single sisters are more concern about their sons being football players and sports figures than their fathers are. I have heard sisters say, “ I don’t want him to be a punk”, because their child has a sensitive nature or because he rather play chess than basketball. He will grow into himself. The word “spoil” has a sort of misconstrued nature in the west. Black people must understand all loving parents are protective of their children. There may be some who go to far, but the way our children are in harms-way in America and have suffered from it, be it a drive-by or police action, I don’t think we are “OVERLY” protecting our children.


    Which brings up another subject, though you don’t have to make your young men afraid of police authority, young black men must learn the techniques of “defense mode” to get out of a “police action” alive, in a police state. The objective to a good defense, or offense for that matter, is NOT TO DIE, FOOLISHLY. The word, “defend” means to protect something and most times it’s your own life. It’s one thing to be a rebel without a cause, but it’s another thing to be a rebel without a clue. To simplify this, “the police” is a man with a gun and license to kill. I’ve seen some bad characters in my time, but I have never known a brother to jump bad, with a man with a gun and live to talk about. Other words life has a strategy, teach your sons this.

    Don’t take up for him if he’s wrong.

    Let me stop here, before I finish this post and say, I know some of these suggestions are not applicable to a lot of single Black mothers raising their sons, they already have these things, on point. But I understand there are some sisters trying to work through some of the madness in modern society that is confusing them and their male-children.


    Don’t allow him to join the military. Talk about how maddening that is, ALL THE TIME and explain the deception behind the commercials about the military and the so-called “war on terror”.

    Show him the inaccuracies in the news and talk about the buffoonery in the rap videos and make it digestible, if not comical. Communicate these contradictions, “by any mean necessary.”

    If he’s not going to college make him get a trade or some kind of skill until he makes up his mind, or not. If he’s not doing anything else constructive, …sitting around with dreams and Playstation 2 shouldn’t fly. Hard work is the greatest “wake-er upper”.

    And starting at an early age don’t let him talk to you, any kind of way or to other elders without a term for respect. Yes, sir or yes mam’, or as some are teaching, Yes, Baba or Yes, Mama – is not out of style. We tried to stop some of these terms of respect for all types of reasons and had nothing to replace them with.

    Also for my African-centered Sisters, this idea that you can live the life of an everyday Afro-Babylonian and date Afro-Babylonian men, then send your son through all types rites of passage programs and to Afro-centric classes and functions, and then expect an independent young black warrior prince prepared to conquer the future and free Black people is romancing reality. If you are a “go-along”, so shall he be. We can only lead by example, ONLY!!

    All the things mentioned, are only a few of many things. I may be repeating what others have said and may be saying things that you will hear again. There is a lot more to raising any child and there are no perfect paths. But I was trying to quickly respond to a post that I have ignored, but was concerned about. In the end, Black men need Black women and Black women need Black men to raise their sons and daughters.

    We probably need tips on how to become family units again, more so than tips for raising children alone. But hey, these are just my most humble opinions.


    Peace,

    Brother Sun Ship
     
  5. Nfant_De_Milieu

    Nfant_De_Milieu Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Make sure your son has some hobbies. People tend to get in trouble when they have too much free time. Besides, if he finds something he really likes, he will try his best not to do anything negative that will take away his extra curricular activity away.

    Give him books to read when he is young. He will learn, mature, and appreciate reading books. There is nothing funny about ignorance.

    Teach him about the opposite sex. Who better to teach him about women than his own mother. For example, how to deal with females, that a girl someday is going to break his heart, etc.

    Positive reinforcement. Always encourage him and correct him when he is wrong.

    Always be truthful with him.
     
  6. Omowale Jabali

    Omowale Jabali The Cosmic Journeyman PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Excellent post!
     
  7. maatmama

    maatmama Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Brother Sun Ship's post was right on point....Its funny many of my non like-minded friends always question me for the decisions I make concerning my 4 year old....Why we don't stay up on the latest purchases, only have one tv, whats the big deal about him learning other languages, chess, martial arts and just hanging out with my 79 year old dad? All of which means he doesn't have time to go to Chuckie Cheese and play xbox...Thank you again brother as I am always looking for guidance in this department...
     
  8. Kemetstry

    Kemetstry going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    1. Understand that the road to manhood starts at birth
    2. Understand that when he reaches a certain age, he will seek other men to show him what he wants/needs to know
    3. Understand that you need to place good, strong male role models in his life, or #2 will happen
    4. Accept that you really dont know what it takes to make a man
    5. Pray a lot

     
  9. Dual Karnayn

    Dual Karnayn Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    My biggest tip for any woman who is single is try your best NOT TO GET PREGNANT.

    Nothing and no amount of advice can take the place of a good father, but if a woman already has sons my best advice to them is be the best MOTHER you can be.

    Make sure they always have a hot meal, a clean home, don't have different men coming in and out of the home.

    If you have a man in your life, don't let him come before your sons.


    And like Kemestry said...PRAY a lot and ask for strength and guidance.

    I suggest instilling a strong since of integrity and morallity in them as early as possible so they'll be easier to control as they mature and gain strength.
     
  10. toylin

    toylin Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Well, I must say that all of this is good advice. Thankfully, my son's father plays a very active in his life, plus both of his grandfathers (my father and my ex's father) are still living, ready, willing, and able to step in.
     
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