Poetry Critiques : (Things Got Out Of Hand) Experimental Poem

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by naija-man, Nov 27, 2008.

  1. naija-man

    naija-man Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    This was part of an assignment I had, to practice/experiment with rhythm and pace.
    please tell me what U think...(Constructive criticism welcome)

    PEACE....


    Okay, stop, calm down and start breathing,
    Yes, I know I just found out she’s cheating,
    Getting down & dirty with our neighbour named Steven
    I got too physical and now she lies there bleeding,
    I totally flipped out and gave her a beating.
    Not to worry though, I can still hear her breathing.

    Okay, let me take a step outside and take some time to think.
    What shall I tell the, paramedics? and the Police.
    They’ll think I did this, that I’m an abusive husband,
    But I’m the victim, that woman has broken my heart
    It was her who cheated; it was her who did this.
    What of Steven? He’s also to blame; he has a hand in this.

    Oh great! Oh no!, now the police have arrived
    I’ll have to be quick and think up some lies
    I’ll make something up, to conserve my pride,
    I have nothing to fear, I’m a nice guy.
    I could never really be bad, even if I tried
    Here they are, I’ll lead them inside

    Okay, their checking her pulse, their cleaning the blood
    Their sticking things in and now their taking ‘em out
    the breathing mask’s on, and now she’s placed on the stretcher.
    Their taking her out, and they’re saying she’ll be fine
    I sigh of relief and relax and take a seat.

    Now the police wanna talk, they wanna ask questions
    She has bruises on her ribs, how did she get them?
    I yell: it wasn’t my fault, she drove to do it.!
    I knew it was wrong, yes officer, I knew it!.
    The police shake their heads they've heard enough,
    They leady me away, and put on the cuffs.
     
  2. mizjoice

    mizjoice Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    First off, Naja-man, may I say, I love this poem. Few men attempt to write about domestic abuse from the stand point of the abuser; I applaud your courage. I am not really in a position to critique poetry, so I'm just gonna give you what is coming from my gut. This poem ended with the writer in handcuffs; but i kinda feels it needs a part 2; a resolution. I would like to know did the writer ever change from feeling she deserved it for cheating on him? did he go after the neighbor? Beyond that you aced it! Keep flowin, poet!
     
  3. naija-man

    naija-man Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    yea'..i kinda got the same feed back in my class,
    1 person suggested going back to how it started...and they it started could be my ending..

    and yea' part2 could be nice...I may go for an open ending..
    lets see... :)
     
  4. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    while this a very nicely written piece of work your constructive flow
    connecting each stanza was on point, until the end which should
    bring on a part 2 to outline where this started from ....it was a great piece


    Now with that said , you are looking for critique on this piece we have a forum
    just for this where all feedbacks would express criticism on this poem ....

    I will gladly move it to that area for you......for the GET YOUR FLOW ON is not where we do critiques at.......the pace to fast for everyone to see it and give
    there feedback ......yes i'll move it there .
     
  5. watzinaname

    watzinaname Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I found the rhythm and pace to be smoothe, made for an easy read. Like those who responded before me, sure I wonder what led up to this, the details and all, but that may have been your intention, to keep the reader wondering.
     
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