I can't write about him I can't talk about him without the taste of bile rising up in my throat without my head twisting and lips pursing I can barely think about him being before me on bended knee while I wonder if he knelt before her in some sick fashion checking the piercings - her mama must be so proud to have raised a whore - But, I don't want to write about her I want to write about him and i can't Can't see the point and the shades of red heat my patience to a boil still So, I choose to ignore, but that's hard to do when these two children look identical to you and they are the joys of my life, the best part of my day and while I ignore him, he in turn ignores them i try and insist that he loses out, but no matter what in-and-out dad he is, they love him I will not be the one to tarnish that image so, i hang pictures in there room instead ones of him and them at birth, daycare parties and in the kitchen. I took that one knowing before our oldest's birth that he probably wouldn't stay that this might be the only thing they had of him in a decade to come. I was wrong we get late child support payments and birthday cards we get phone calls in off hours when he knows they are alseep we get payments for summer camp late into November we get nothing that we need when we need it but these babies of mine don't know about going without cuz I do what I got to make needs turn into realities and camps get paid for by doing whatever it takes and life goes on and mom is mom and dad is superman when he walks in the door three days after christmas with some toy I couldn't afford, cuz i was worried about paying the light bill while dodging the rental furniture people so they didn't take away their matching bedroom sets in the room they share cause I had to downsize my house when you downsized us. My whole life changed when you choose her over us and now, you want us back. You are f()*&#($*&#$*A& nuts Cuz I was happy for the summer with a man of my own and that little girl left you as soon as support collection found you and the DEA is on your *** and you wonder if anyone talked to me what would I even say, i don't even know where you live anymore had to inform their school of your name and address unknown looking ghetto as hell in this middle class white neighborhood i struggle to maintain and keep up with the Jones' so your children aren't at risk of being shot or targeted by gangs or offered drugs on their way to school i was always the comfortable place you rested your head but it's different now, there are already two little boys resting in my bed in the spot next to where you laid. I need nothing from you, not a word not a sound and in this conflict of their needs versus mine I am sure to find will not be the last time that the two collide. So, figure out how to be with them and not me cuz I could care less what happens to you except I care what happens to them. And, every time something happens to you it affects them. Do you think about them at all in any unselfish ways? Do you wonder how they eat when you don't provide or what stresses i go through paying tuition and filling out scholarships forms and applications for summer camps, baseball academies, football spots all the while transporting them to practices and appointments in my 2006 Taurus thats falling apart in typical white Ford Fashion (5 minutes after the last payment made) while you sport around time in a new hemi truck pissed they took your license for violated child support payments and why you may go to jail over cash payments received for unhonest work that they never benefit from. I don't care what happens to you, except they do.