Black People : There has to be an answer

Discussion in 'Black People Open Forum' started by RisingSun, Jul 18, 2010.

  1. RisingSun

    RisingSun New Member MEMBER

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    This question is for the Sistas, but brothers if you have found any information that might be helpful on this matter please feel free to chime in.

    Ladies why is it that so many relationships seem to suffer from the same problem. Wives that almost refuse to have sex with their husband but then get so upset at the thought of him touching another woman, taking to another woman, mentioning another woman, ect. Forgive me but I cannot help but to find that pattern of behavior one of the most selfish things I have come across.

    A guy sits in front of a finely prepared meal. He is not hungry but his best friend is. However, instead of him allowing his best friend to enjoy the meal he would rather watch it waste away. Furthermore, if the best friend decides that it is too much to beg for it and he would rather go across the street where fine meals not only seem to be in abundance, but where you are welcomed to eat (no pun intended) he would be less than a dog for his actions.

    I had resigned myself to the notion that it was just me. Maybe she had lost interest. Maybe it is that in 7 years she has lost interest. Then while talking with a friend I find out that he is having the same problem. Let me paint the picture for you. This guy is a personal trainer, former NFL player. 6’4” turns down lots of women, ect, can’t get his wife to have sex. I soon realize that the married man jokes are not jokes. They are in large part true????

    It just doesn’t make sense to me and I’m starting (as a Christian) beginning to understand the people who laugh at marriage. I was even told by one guy that he and his wife had a “Quota”. I remember thinking if I got to that point divorce would be a real consideration.

    I really am past the frustration (never cheated or “tricked”, waited until marriage for 99% of the sex I have had). At this point I just want to learn. I love to figure things out (B.S. Business Admin, MBA 2011, CMA 2011). I am persistent so I will figure this out one way or another, lol. It would really help to hear from the ladies on this one.
     
  2. Chinelo

    Chinelo Third Eye Is Always Open MEMBER

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    http://destee.com/forums/showthread.php?t=64669
     
  3. cherryblossom

    cherryblossom Banned MEMBER

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    Every relationship and marriage is different. So, of course, no one woman can speak for all.

    For the marriages that are lacking in the bedroom, there are different, varying reasons for the shortage on sex.

    Sometimes, there's an emotional need that is lacking which affects the sex life.

    Sometimes, it's something physical, either him or her.

    Sometimes, it's fatigue.

    ....any one or combination of these.

    However, whenever sex is an issue, a serious "talk" between the partners is needed.

    Moreover, I do know that there is much truth in saying, "You don't have to live with him/her." ----On the outside-looking-in, any other woman could look at a man and say, "His wife must be crazy. I'd be all ova' him!"---But, that other woman does not live with that man. She has no idea what/who he is behind closed doors.

    But again, every relationship/marriage is not the same....I knew a couple who got divorced because they were so ill-matched in every area except the bedroom. Sex was never a problem between them, but they couldn't get along in any other aspect of their marriage....Eventually, they went on and married other people.....Both are much happier with the 2nd wife/husband than they were with each other when they were together.

    NOTE: Now, this behavior of "don't wanna give you none and don't want you gettin' it from no where else" may seem odd to you, but usually that denotes that she does want you to get it from her but there are some underlying factors that need to be addressed.

    NOTE-NOTE: And then there are also marriages that are still intact for financial reasons and raising children....They both, husband and wife, will put on a good show for the children and in public, and they both may be having affairs on the side.....They just don't flaunt it in each other's faces but each knows that the other is having sex with someone else.
     
  4. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    welcome to destee.com discussions ....
    As a brother / man i feel you and have had a once venture into this trend , like sister cherryblossom
    said above the core and combination of many factors can play major roles in the lack of
    I have found that turn offs can be from many things as the factor to lack of .

    What i found out is when one mate stops sexually they often start elsewhere
    undercoverly , but at the same time feel betrayed / hurted if the other even think to do
    such or talk to another .
    there are some big issues going on that need working out , or mislead into believing
    everything is fine when it's not
    She may be in submission for a reason which you both need to communicate on, not
    every relationship suffer this trend and finances can play a role or stabality

    Why women do this is yet defined nor to why some men do it .
    most time the word CHEATING come to play !
     
  5. RisingSun

    RisingSun New Member MEMBER

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    As the saying goes, "Its Complicated" right? I can remember that one of my favorite things in grade school was the way that fractions could be simplified (yeah I know, strange). I try to view these situations in their "simplest form" sometimes. All I know is that at the root of this is the fact that its hard for me to understand the logic behind, "I don't want it but nobody else can have it". I want my wife so no, nobody else can have her.

    I don't know its one of those "things" I guess but it just seems to be rooted in selfishness to me. I have to say this. Just imagine a kid with a puppy and its just totally overwhelming for them. Its just too much to bear to the point where it is a burden. Then imagine that same kid getting pissed because some other kid wants to play with it and feed it???? If my son did that I would coach him on it. I would explain why that is selfish, as most good parents would.
     
  6. Chevron Dove

    Chevron Dove Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Deep Question.

    i've read the other comments and believe too, that it could be viewed as alittle selfish, and not concerned enough to look beyond herself as a woman and see that as a man, you might think differently than she does in regards to this issue of having sex. And then just like Sis. cherryblossom said, her response seems like she wants you but, you may not be looking into why she is resistant. I know. Because I'm married, I've been through these hurdles and am still going through them because, it's apart of life and relating as humans, one to another. More importantly too, i believe what Bro Chinelo has spoken about, this debauched ideology of marriage coming from western anti-christendom ideology. Their ideas, I believe [as a Christian], is why even they have abandoned their marriages and many have ran to the courts for divorce thereby giving the system all of that money for child support services and etc., dividing property of which alot of it is probably not even paid off yet...

    I don't have a total answer but, i think we need to see sex as being a wonderful experience and it is not finite. We are taught, "now or never woman" or, "if you don't I'll get it from somewhere else"...because it has been exploited, some people end up messing up their own bodies and don't realize that sex is meant to be experienced infinitely but we are taught differently in this system and we get married and go about 'getting sex' in ways that we may need to re-look at the reasons why we did what 'WE DID, in order to get a sex partner'. patience. communicate.
     
  7. cherryblossom

    cherryblossom Banned MEMBER

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    Ahhh...and therein may lie the rub.

    Emotions are not "simple fractions." ---They are the most complex abstract possession we have.

    And here you are comparing a woman not having sex with her husband or significant other to a dog.

    Well, unlike a human being, that puppy can't articulate its feelings. It can't tell your son, "Hey, I still like you and all but you just can't play with me the way I like to played with....And this other kid does."

    The puppy can't say, "I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I really would be happier with that other kid."

    The puppy can't say, "It's just that I have needs and comforts that you can't give me at this time, and I'm not ready to wait around or pretend to be happy."

    On the other hand, if the puppy were really "attached" to your son, it would be resistant to the other kid in spite of the "challenges" at home....The puppy's behavior toward your son would articulate to him, "Hey, I really like you. So, I'm gonna hang in here witcha....I think I can get some "exercise" here at home until you're ready to play with me better.....I don't hafta play with that other kid at all ..I'm stickin' with you. We're gonna work this out. I am YOUR puppy!"

    However, in a marriage/relationship, if sex is more "miss" than "hit," then some delving into the "whys" and "wherefores" are necessary and to arrive at some understanding and cooperation and perhaps even compromise or walk away.

    Communication is vital, verbal and nonverbal.
     
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