Black Short Stories : The Shrine Maiden

Discussion in 'Short Stories - Authors - Writing' started by Frenemy, Nov 5, 2013.

  1. Frenemy

    Frenemy Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    The breath of life began respire at its normalcy once more within the girl, having been invigorated by the salubrious atmosphere of the mystical monastery as its ameliorative wind and ambience was cultivated and administered into her vital chakra points by the grand master of the hidden haven himself.
    She awoke to find herself in a vernal milieu, whose material substance hadn't immediately come into focus through her blurred vision, but rather slowly coalesced into the scope of her freshly roused eyes as they began to perceive the ante meridian glow that encompassed her purlieus. A smile spanned her callow features, and she lit up with elation from the majestic sight. Overwhelmed with bliss, she failed to notice her savior and host. She was locked away in a mental space of glee, thinking that she had succeeded in purifying the ominous mountain that emanated with immense ki and accommodated an inestimable number of youkai, the likes of which she had not seen before; and many of which she had attempted to exorcise on her perambulation of its pass.
    Her blithely mood was interrupted by a pair of discomforting thoughts, however. Could she have died and gone to a spiritual paradise? Or was this the ostentatious working of a powerful and deceitful youkai at hand?
    Finally acknowledging the ki-radiant presence that was looming over her, her eyes widened and a quiet gasp escaped her tender lips. All of the muscles of her petite frame froze, inhibited by a profusion of fear which pulsated within her after laying eyes on the man in the mask. His frightening aura emitted a powerful spiritual vibration unlike any other she had ever encountered before. His shrouded form and distinctive mask bore a likeness to the fabled mountain goblins of Nihon mythology, whom long ago were believed to be harbingers of chaos. This was the reason for her fear, but they weren't always seen as such. Some of them had been recognized as protective spirits of mountains, though still capable of posing a threat. They were protective spirits, nonetheless. She decided the latter would describe this mysterious man. There was nobody else around for her to thank for saving her so it was a sensible deduction. Even still, those mountain goblins of legend had a reputation for being tricksters, so she remained alert.
    Mustering up some courage, she swallowed then spoke with a voice as serene as a calm brook, "Watashi o yurushitekudasai. Watashi wa anata no yama ni shin'nyū suru tsumori wa arimasendeshita. Anata wa yōkaidesu ka?" She was asking for forgiveness, ending her speech by asking the lord of the monestary if he were a youkai.

    ===============================​

    Hey, you guys. :) So this was a little something I wrote last year while role playing at another site. It's only a small piece of the interaction I had with a friend over there so it's incomplete. I was also trying super hard (because he's an amazing writer and it only felt right to put my best foot forward while working with him), so there are some words in there that I may have used incorrectly, or some grammar mistakes. Anyways, praise is always nice and appreciated, but I love criticism. Improvement is very high on my list of writing priorities, so if anything catches your attention up there, please feel free to point it/them out. Thanks!
     
  2. Angela22

    Angela22 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think it was pretty nice. Though I felt pretty dumb coming across the words "ameliorative" and "salubrious". Like, what the he...*looks in dictionary...*:lol: Never seen that before.

    I guess I could say, just make sure to never overdo it for the sake of using "different" or "rarely used" words. (Not that those fall under that)

    You still want your reader to connect, as they go along, and never want the words to feel forced into usage, but flowing easy and smooth. Just my humble advice.:em2300:
     
  3. Frenemy

    Frenemy Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks, Angela. :) You're right, it's bad habit of mine. I got the same feedback from the person I was writing with.
     
  4. Angela22

    Angela22 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    You'll grow out of it; I used to do the same. Sometimes it's just not wanting to seem like your vocabulary is stunted that words can be overdone.

    You just have to read it back to yourself, and ask, does this relate and would it be something I'd understand and want to read if another wrote it?
     
  5. Frenemy

    Frenemy Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Got'cha.. I'm gonna post some more stuff another time, I'm really loving the honest feedback.
     
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