Black Relationships : THE SAND BOX


Well-Known Member
Oct 13, 2006
Media Designer
Where do we find genuine Friendship?

Back in 2002, Sandra was 21 and she decided to accept a part-time job at a local video store. She loved movies, and since she still lived with her Mother she only needed a few hundred dollars a month to help with bills and her boring social life. But it was at the video store that she meet Natasha another employee who was also the same age. They had allot in common. They both loved the same movies, the same clothes and even had the same tastes in Men. Eventually, they became good friends and spent their time on the phone gossiping, shopping and partying.

Sandra and Natasha did have allot in common, but Natasha was more out going, she was more of a go getter.
She worked 2 jobs, one in the morning and one in the evening and she took Business Management classes on the weekends. She moved out when she was 19 years of age, with a G.E.D and keys to a $500 dollars a month studio apartment. She came from a family of 5 Sisters and 3 Brothers all of them older than her and all of them expected her to be as independent as they were.

In many ways, these two Women wanted to be the other. Sandra wished to be more like Natasha and Natasha wished to be more like Sandra. Somehow they both benefited from the synergy of their relationship, that is, until something they loved more than their friendship got in the way.

One night at a party, a Man approached both ladies, he noticed both of them, taking turns looking at him. He walked over as a Gentleman and was drawn to Natasha, he politely questioned her about her romantic involvements. But he already knew she wasn't taken, her eyes told the story. Sandra sat back in the cut the whole night and watched as her best friend was wined and dined by a Man she was obviously interested in as well. She kept a false smile on her face and lifted her cup at them every so often to show her support for the new arrangement. It was then she started to point out Natasha's flaws in her head. The way she laughed, the way she threw her weave around as if it was really her hair. The love she had for her friend, took the back seat that night, and jealousy was allowed to rear it's ugly head.

Sandra couldn't take much more of it, she refused to sit there and look like the third wheel. Eventually she got up and grabbed the first available Man sitting at the bar and asked him if he wanted to dance with her. She was bold, but it worked. What started out as a move to end her depressed mood turned out to be a wonderful evening. The Man that she picked to dance with her turned out to be someone she didn't mind at all at her side that night. They talked until 2 a.m. in the morning about just about everything. The situation didn't seem so bad anymore, both Sandra and Natasha had someone, no one was the wiser.

But Sandra produced feelings against Natasha that night, that just couldn't be put away. For some reason she felt betrayed even though she didn't understand why she felt that way. Natasha wasn't stupid either. She could tell that Sandra was “faking” when she told her she was happy she final found a boyfriend. It was the heavy emphasis she put on the word- finally. All the feelings, attitudes and negative vibes led these two ladies into a change of pace, slowing but surely they stopped hanging out, stopped speaking and calling one another. The process was easy anyway because Sandra found another job as a Receptionist at a Lawyer's Office in the city. Natasha quit the video store too, and devoted more time to school and her new boyfriend.

Sandra decided that she needed someone in her life also, so she called the Brotha she met at the Club. In only a few weeks she also had a Man to call her own.


Sandra and Natasha haven't seen or heard from one another in years. Sandra is married, not to the recent boyfriend but to a Man she meet online. This beautiful union produced their daughter 2 year old Allison. And with the help of her new Husband and family, she moved out of her Mother's house and purchased her own.

Natasha is not married, but she also has a child and daughter, 2 year old Sakahia. The Father is the Man she met at the Club years before, while they are not together anymore he's always there for his daughter each and every time she needs him. He provides for her Daycare expensive, drops her off at least 2-3 a week, and makes sure her Mother is happy even though their love for one another went their separate ways.

From time to time Sandra and Natasha do think about one another. Neither of them ever attempted having a female friendship after that. Females have too much drama. Too much jealous and envy, they keep reminding themselves of these things, it helps them to stay firm in their choice never to call each other.

Sandra was a stay at Home Mom until one night after a long talk her her Husband she decided she wanted to do more with her life, she felt she was ready enough to go back out to work. Her Husband agreed. They enrolled Allison into Dr. Taylor's Daycare about 20 miles from their home.

Everyone was talking about this Daycare because the Owner was also a Black Child Psychologist and Mother of 9 children of her own. Her Parenting methods made her into a local celebrity. She was known for her intuitive understanding of children. She called them The Young Elders. She also believed that children should be taught outside while they are playing. She felt that playtime is really education time for children and it's the best time to reach them.

One of Dr. Taylor's best educational tools was the sand box. She said she would just sit for a few minutes and watch what children made or tried to make in the sand box. She would also send home a “sand box report card” to the Parents. Dr. Taylor believed it helped Parents to understand their child's mental progress, which in her opinion was just as important or even more so than physical progress. Dr. Taylor's methods were strange at times, but everyone believed in her theories because the positive results showed on their children.

After about 2 Months at Dr. Taylor's Daycare little Allison seemed more attentive, more curious and would spend allot of time starring at her Father's newspaper. Sandra was the first to notice it. Obviously she was trying to read and she seemed very interested in words. Dr. Taylor sent home a sand box report saying “Allison already has all the key ingredients for a genuine friendship.” While this was wonderful to hear, Sandra still didn't understand fully what she meant. Her Husband usually dropped Allison off to the daycare, but the next morning she decided to do so herself so she could have a chance to speak to Dr. Taylor.

When Sandra walked in with Allison, one of Dr. Taylor's Assistants immediately grabbed the 2 year old and took her into the playground to be in the sand box with the other children. Sandra looked around for Dr. Taylor and found her at a large window smiling and waving to her students on the outside. Sandra pulled out the sand box report card and asked her about the key ingredients for a genuine friendship Allison was displaying, and this is what Dr. Taylor told her.

“ For us as Adults, it's very rare that we have a genuine friend, you know, someone that will really be there for us when the chips are down so to speak. We might have one, two at the most- yet even when that is the case it is rare for us to be a genuine friend ourselves. This is because society is unbalance, it all starts right out there in that sand box. Human social development, emotional and sensitivity training, it all starts right out there.
If only it were possible to shrink society back down into young Elders again and retrain their thoughts, but we can't- we can't take them back to the sand box, but we can start with our own children. Your daughter Allison has displayed all the key emotional and intelligent qualities for being a genuine friend. Do you know how to spot a genuine friend? Look at her, look at your daughter. When she gives someone a toy, she sits back and she smiles at them, she is taking pleasure in seeing happiness in others. If someone hurts themselves, and she sees them crying, she comes along behind them and pats them on their back. And she did something yesterday that just brought tears to my eyes. She was the first one to make friends with the new girl named Sakahia. You know everyday we give them a small snack after lunch, about 3 cookies and these small juices. Do you know your daughter Allison gave the new girl all 3 of her cookies? Look at them, there they are now outside playing together. She is such a brilliant child, it has been my greatest joy working for our children.”

Sandra left the daycare full of tears herself. Something about what Dr. Taylor said about friendship reminded her about Natasha. And as she turned the corner going back to her car in the parking lot- there Natasha stood, holding her daughter Sakahia's scarf and coat for later on that day. Had it been any other time, perhaps they would've passed one another in the street. Instead, they hugged and laughed.

They laughed even harder after finding out their daughters went to the same Daycare and were now best friends. In time, and because of their daughters friendship, they regained their own. Both Sandra and Natasha learned something very important from Dr. Taylors methods. And to add a bit of poetry to it, Sandra created a large sand box in the backyard of their new house.


In this place, these grown Women play just like children and try to retrain their thoughts. Without real friendships, there are no real relationships either. If we paid closer attention to what is happening in the sand box we would further understand what is happening in society.

For 2008, build a genuine friendship.
Sis. Jai, friends do grow apart. Sometimes we evolve into a newer understanding of the world and our friends do not evolve with us.

Yet genuine friendship is important to the relationships we hope to carry on. In my own life, I noticed that my bad relationships were with Females I really didn't like at all. As far as on a personal level, I would've never been friends with them.

It's interesting that in our society we seek after someone to have relations with, sexual, intimate, and romantic- without friendship coming into consideration. A Female might like a Man because he's Handsome, smells good, has good conversation, makes her laugh, has ambition, earns a good living- yet this might not be a person that would fit into her circle of friends.

A Man might like a Woman because she's beautiful, has an attractive body, doesn't nag him to death - but this is not always a person he would be friends with either.

We've been programmed to place our loveships apart from our friendships. But most people who stick to the "friends first" rule often have great relationships. Some Women are complaining about Men who are lazy and don't want to do anything with their life or provide for themselves. What's interesting is that these same Women don't want to have friends like that, yet they would allow a Man with these characteristics into their bedroom.

Or Men who have Women who have emotional needs that exhaust their attention energy. Such Men hardly ever have friends with overbearing needs, yet they would allow for a female with these issues.

Most of our relationships fail because we are putting ourselves into situations we are not trained for. Another problem is that if we haven't had long term friends, we really don't know what situations we are trained for and how this training is useful in romantic relationships.

Women get hurt all the time by Men who don't know how to juggle the feelings they have when there is sexual desire with the Woman, and the feelings that arises when those sexual desires are gone. What happens when the sexual libido is satisfied? That's usually when the drama kicks in. What happens when the Man with money is broke?

In this case, "I love you" only means I love what you can do for me. Which is not the staple for genuine friendship. It's true that some people make friends based on this criteria as well. However those friendships are not genuine. We all have needs, and we are all here to be needed for a purpose. However, it's a good idea to think back to the Sand Box. Why did we make friends? We made friends with those who we enjoyed sharing and playing with. We enjoyed creating with them. It was a business partnership where happiness was the bottomline.

As babies we had it all figured out from the start. My first Sand Box friend is a female I am still friends with to this day. Her Mother joked with me saying she thought I would be her Son in law. It's a beautiful feeling to know someone who knew me when I was a Toddler. We grew apart as Teenagers, but we still kept in touch. What I remember about our friendship is that she would beg me to color with her and I would refuse. She would steal my leggos and go running off with them. She was a very difficult female, but I learned from her, she taught me lessons in our friendship that would benefit me later on in life. As she did from me as well.

She attended every one of my birthday parties, and I attended hers. There are certain friendships that we will appreciate over all others, and those are the ones that draw us closer to our true self, this person will often remind us of who we really are deep inside- they are a clear reflection of that inner force that moves us, because it moves within them as well. The Dog chases it's tail, just as much as the tail chases the Dog. They are one. When we take notice to people of the opposite sex that we are at one with, it's not hard at all to fall in love with them because the friendship is already there.

And since relationships are about sacrifice and compromise anyway, naturally we should be more willing to do so with people we really enjoy on a personal level. Our communities are lacking in genuine friendships. Being in love forever, having a long term relationship- is possible, yet not for everyone. But true friendship should be a prerequisite for survival.
I think its great that a male and female could carry on an innocent platonic friendship. Even though I dont believe that is possible in my case. For some reason I havent had the best experiences with guys. Its hard trying to define a friendship with that person if they are attracted to you. He may claim that he wants to be your friend but that is the last thing on his mind.

I miss my old best friend. I had learned alot from her because she was a year older and very mature for her age. She also had an healthy relationship with her mother that I admired and yearned for. Her mother at the time had became my surrogate mother who was giving me advice that I wasnt getting at home. We were like sisters and if I ever find a geniune friend like that I wont ever let anyone come between us nor take that friendship for granted!


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