Black People : The Proper Way To Criticize

Hello Family,

It's been said that Sisters can't take honest criticisms from Brothers ... and that Brothers can't take honest criticisms from Sisters ... without getting offended or feeling as though they're being attacked.

Is there a proper way to criticize someone ... so that it is received properly?

If so, what is that way?

Sisters ... how can Brothers criticize you, and you not get offended?

Brothers ... how can Sisters criticize you, and you not get offended?



Destee

 

i prefer the baseball bat

 

Question: What is meant by "honest criticism" and would the opposite of that be dishonest criticism? I'm curious.

But sure there's a way to offer criticism but it all depends on whether you intend for it to be constructive or destructive. I prefer the constructive kind. But even as much as I like to think that I have demonstrated constructive criticism here at Destee.com, on occasion I've been told where something I've written has offended people. Being told that always surprises me, but never offends me and I don't get defensive and leap all over the person telling me that.

Regardless of what our intent is, we must always be cognizant of the potential impact that our words have when people hear them or read them. Even though you may not have intended to offend anyone, if someone tells you that you did, I think we should always apologize and try to communicate better in the future. That's how we build bridges.

If someone is offended by anything I say to them, I would prefer it if they would tell me so that we can discuss it maturely. To sit and pout or stop speaking is immature in my opinion. To be rude and hurl personal insults is ignorant, in my opinion. I'm sure there are people here who have done that. I know when I was younger and didn't know any better, I used to. Many of us can stand to benefit from anger management seminars because we have learned to hold our anger inside until it suddenly explodes when we feel we're being attacked. There are better ways of handling a situation other than lashing out or shutting down at the slightest difference of opinion.

If you're not sure what someone means when they speak or write to you, learn how to seek clarification first before you make assumptions. It's better to find out what a person's intent was before you let them know how they made you feel. If you know that someone meant to be offensive, you still don't have to act the same way. I would suggest that people try to find the most effective words to tell the person, so that the situation doesn't escalate into an argument or worse.

I also think that, sometimes people try to convince themselves that they respect other opinions when they really don't. So the minute someone disagrees with them, they immediately think they're being criticized when they may not be.

The sender and the receiver must take responsibility for what they say and what they hear.

Queenie

 

i think thses are good questions desteee...

i think it all depends on perception and respect.... i mean jus like nnqueen said.. u may think ur sayin somin ok.. and the person who reads it doesnt....

but then we need to realize.. we dont want someone writin us smart comments...or even speakin to us in a rude manner.. b/c we ourselves wouold not tkae it....its jus out of respect..

also.. u can give harsh critism and it been benificial.. its jus the way its presented.. ...jus frist address the fact that one may not agreee .. instead of jus blablin off... and attackin someones thots

 

Taking criticism is always gonna be hard, especially for people who rarely get told what they do right, and will always offend people.

However, if the criticism is done in a constructive way, and is 100% honest, the person recieving it will eventually understand why it had to be said.

For a woman to criticize me, I feel she needs to be straight forward and not insult me. She needs to also NOT shower me with compliments she wouldnt normally say (or say all at the same time), just to drop a bomb on me. The tone should never be "all men" or "you men" etc....generalizations cause fights.

It is more likely a womans decision on what to do about my "problems" that would piss me off. Recently I asked a woman to come straight and tell me if I was just a friend. The next few phone calls and e mails included many criticisms of me, but she was straight forward and not harsh about it. All the anger I feel is based on the fact that I have been cut off and limited thanks to her reaction to those things wrong with me when she could have easily worked with the.

It aint only the criticism ladies, it is what you do about it that can add insult to injury and breed hatred. I am sure this is true of us men too.

Good thread Destee!!!

MrBlak

 

Thanks Family for responding.

I think even with the best of intentions, someone may get offended by what we say. When this happens, who is at fault ... the person giving or the person receiving?

I've often heard folk say ... "i don't have any responsibility regarding the way you receive what i say". Do you agree with that?

Who has the greater responsibility ... the one giving or receiving the information?

I believe that it is the one presenting the information, that has the greatest responsibility regarding how that information is received. It's true that you don't have complete control over how someone receives what you're saying ... but if it is important enough to say ... then i think it is important enough to consider how to say it so that it is received ... otherwise, why bother saying it?!

I think the giver of the information must consider their intended audience, how sensitive they may be to what you're going to say ... and manipulate those words in such a way that they may be received and hopefully applied.

I put the responsibility on the person who's giving the info.

How about you, who do you think has the greatest responsibility in such a situation?



Destee

 

It is definitely on the person sending the info out to control how they do it. If they present it in a respectfull manner, that is all they need to worry about. People will always react badly to some degree...who wants to be told they are screwed up?? But if the person who pointed out the faults did so in a classy and repsectfull way, they dont have to feel guilty for anything.

Those people who say they aint responsible for how thier messages are recieved and the ones who scream the loudest when they are even slightly criticized in a respectfull manner. I dont know what it is, but those that dish it out (in a bad way) are the least likely to be able to take it for some reason.

 

Sister Destee, Critical, as well as complimentary, comments are about intent; they are oft received in proportion to how well we know a person, and their intent.

One who delivers a critique does have a responsibility to deliver their statements in a constructive manner, but no responsibility whatsoever as to how folks receive those statements... That is an issue of control far beyond our mortal means - unless we're hypnotists or something...

In point of fact, I have delivered compliments to people that were, either completely ignored, or met with their annoyance. I had no control over their response, but I knew my intent. whether one is having a bad day, or a bad life, I have zero control or responsibility over that...

I know that in my domestic life, I have complimented my mate a zillion times, and criticized her once, and it is that one criticism she remembers most... What can one do but deal with it, and move on. When I was an apprentice in the Electrical Trades, I heard "get'chyou're S together" everyday for 4 years, and sometimes the intent was laced with pure hatred, but I got my stuff together, and moved on without rancor(smile!) If I respect a person, their criticisms might penetrate through to my unconscious... If I do not respect a person, I wont allow their critiques to penetrate beyond a certain point - why should I? The individual doesn't know me better than I know myself...

I prefer people be straight-forward with me, and be able to take as well as they give... If you're inclined only to give critiques, but not take them in return, you will not have my respect.... I have a great distaste for double standards, and inequity of treatment. For the most part, I tend away from criticism if I cannot be constructive with it. Once again, it is the intent of one's criticism that is crucial, and that element should always be taken into account.

Peace!
Isaiah

 

THIS IS KEITA SPEAKING How intresting this has become. The question is like a double edge sword. My first thought on this was..."how would Jesus say it ?" "How would Moses say it? " "How truth is delivered has become quite political in terms of "sensitivity" as we like to say. My responce to it is always the same. I for one am "SUPREMELY CURIOUS" as to "why truth has to be sugar coated before someone can accept it ?"

I mean, of all the things to sugar coat, why truth ? Would any of the preceeding persons I named ever sugar coat the truth because of someone's sensitivity or how they will receive what and how it's being said ? Think about it...would they ? We All Know The Answer Is No. What is, is...what isn't, isn't...plain and simple. The only real duty anyone has is to present the truth as it is, providing it's the truth.

Painting it up, coming at this or that angle, sugar coating it....presenting it in a fashion of humility, putting smoke in front of it...or anything else for that matter, does not wash with me. What is, is..plain and simple. Dancing around the facts of someone or some issue just doesn't cut it. How a person is or isn't is not my fault or my business.

To be able to say; this is the problem, this was done, this was said, this is what happened, why did you, why didn't you, How could you or anything else, should not and never will be an issue of presentation regardless of how it's received. In the words of Gil Noble...this is "Like It Is"....and this rule only changes when children are being addressed.