Black Teenagers : The place of a mama

Discussion in 'Black Teenagers - Teenz Exprezzed!' started by Lloyd, Dec 17, 2008.

  1. Lloyd

    Lloyd Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    May 29, 2004
    Messages:
    414
    Likes Received:
    3
    Ratings:
    +4
    Hello fam,
    As my title suggest,i need to know the place of a mama in someone's life.
    My question may look somehow strange,but maybe if i try to let you know what i am going trough you will understand.
    Here i am;23 years old guy,the third child of my father -and the first of my mother-.I have brothers and sisters on both sides -of course,half brothers and sisters-.Mum didn't get married to daddy when she had me,she had the others with another man -she was married to him- and daddy had others with another woman -he was married to her-.
    I was born in Paris.In that place,they accept so easily half black and half whites.My problems began at the age of 11 when i started travelling;because i wasn't leaving with my daddy,i was angry against him -he didn't call,pay my school fees and tuitions,give me some cash to have some fun during my trips,come with us ...- and what my mother was saying kept me going that way.But years after years,i realised that she wasn't fair with me;she was giving things so easily to the others,i was just like "the stupid guy who reminded her of my father".Though she has been good to me,she did many funny things that traumatized me.(we were leaving a good life-i mean with no financial problem- but because of her so called "principles",she sent me to jail for 2 days at 12 y o because she was claiming that i had stolen her money - about 5 dollars,pitiful!!! -and when i came back,she locked me up in my room for 3 days to be sure i would starve -the funniest part of it is when she discovered i did nothing- and more things like that).
    Since i am 18,i am living on my own,she helps me sometimes -you know how young people are right?i was spending too much-.We didn't really talked to eachother since.It's just that some months ago...she treated my best friend -a girl,the only person that takes the time to understand me,my only family- so badly (and in front of me,just like she was worthless) that i told her i hated her and i started listing all the bad things she did to me.
    Of course,i was angry.But she is my mama,my only mama.I love her but i hate the fact that she behave that way with me because of my father.I am no more in contact with her family and i heard that my grand ma is really sick,so sick that she may die soon.I don't know what to do.At a first look,it may seem so simple,but when you are living that,i can ensure you,it is something else.
    What's the place of a mama?Do we have to bear whatever she can say to us because she gave us life?Do we have the "right" to reject her?I am so confuse now
     
  2. Knowledge Seed

    Knowledge Seed Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2008
    Messages:
    2,747
    Likes Received:
    549
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Atlanta, GA
    Ratings:
    +551
    Your post wasn't "reader friendly" so I restructured it. Now people will be willing to read it.
     
  3. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2001
    Messages:
    34,790
    Likes Received:
    8,983
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    betwixt and between
    Ratings:
    +9,683
    Brother Lloyd ... bless your heart ... you've asked and shared so much, in the above.

    I feel obligated to respond, for a number of reasons.

    1. I'm a Momma ... :love: ... (even though i'm still waiting on the positive DNA test results).

    2. God Blessed me with the Very Best Momma in the Whole Wide World! ... :love:

    3. Because i've always felt like a "Momma's Advocate" ... usually finding myself empathizing with the Momma's position.

    4. Because you've so clearly expressed your concerns ... seeking understanding ... asking questions ... giving great honor to your Mother, even in the face of confusion and uncertainty. It is very honorable and noble. This, more than any of the reasons above ... moves me to respond ... try to help ... try to keep your heart encouraged ... :)

    As a Momma ... if my child were seeking understanding from other adults, i'd want them to take the time to help them understand in the very best of manners ... so i'm gonna do that for your Momma too! :)

    Having said all of the above ... hmmm ... wait ... do i need to elaborate more, on any of the above? Nawww ... i think i'll just cover anything i might have missed above, as i try to answer each of your questions and concerns.

    Okay ... here goes ... *wish me luck ... remember ... i'm a Momma which = very long winded* ... :wink:

    Okay ... first, or perhaps, again ... i want to speak to the love that is obvious in your post above. While you respectfully question some of what your Mother has said and/or done, you give her the highest regard you can, professing your love for her ... and no matter what ... that is always most important ... and you got that Brother! So know this ... as bad as you think it may be ... it could be a WHOLE LOT WORSE ... but because of your obvious determination to do what is inherent within you, and love your Mother ... no matter what ... you are leaps and bounds ahead of many! :toast:

    Okay ... i'm gonna try to take everything you've said ... piece by piece ... okay?


    Brother Lloyd ... my first instinct is to say ... her place is every where, in her child's life. That's how i feel about my children, and i always welcomed that same concern from my Mother, in my own life. I can't imagine not having it, or giving it. My children now know, to just shut-up and listen, let me say what i gotta say, then they can do what they want ... but i'm gonna say what i think. As their Mother, i am obligated to tell them what i think, if i feel it in my heart and Spirit to do so. I tell my Son all the time, "i'm jes say'n" ... and he will say ... "Yeah Momma, i wish you just wouldn't say" ... :lol: ... but he knows i'm gonna say.

    I absolutely love them and will not let a situation go by, that God puts something on my heart, that i think they should know ... and i don't say it. It could mean the difference between life and death for them. I must say it.

    While i'm this way with my children, and my Mother was that way with me ... i've learned that not all Mother / Child relationships are the same. It took me getting on the Internet and actually hearing of other stories, sometimes very sad situations, for my being to accept ... not all Momma's are like me and mine.

    I have no patent on Mothering. I have no guaranteed plan for success. Therefore, i can't impose what i think and believe on others, just because it worked for me.

    All of this to say, every Mother / Child will develop together ... consciously or unconsciously ... the boundaries, terms, conditions, etc., for their relationship. There really isn't a right or wrong, but what works best for you and your Mother, your personalities, your experiences, your limits, etc.

    A Mama's place could be all inside her child's life, non-existent, and everything in between.

    That's for each Mother / Child to ultimately decide.


    Brother Lloyd ... i think that it is good that you are getting all of this outside of yourself, talking about it. Even to us, it is therapy for you. I know i've said a lot of things here in the community, that were therapy for me! :) ... so i'm believing the same for you!

    All parents do some krazee stuff, that their children don't like. Not only stuff that their children don't like, but that is illegal in most places! Some children really have terrible things to go through ... sexual abuse, physical torture ... a host of things. My mentioning this, is not meant to diminish your experiences, but to put them in perspective of the bigger picture.

    Most young Men could not leave home at 18, and make it. Something is in you, that drives that determination. Again, making you blessed beyond compare. There is something in you that gives you to know, loving your Mother is the thing to do, in spite of what's before you ... that too is a blessing beyond compare.

    Everyone has a story. Everyone has some pain they experienced growing up.

    The challenge is to take those experiences ... all of them ... the good, bad, and ugly ... and making the very best life for yourself and your Family.

    Don't dwell too long in the negative, but instead, focus your eyes on the positive. i would imagine that there are quite a few young Brothers that you knew, grew up with, that are no longer living, or locked up for some extended period of time? That could have easily been you ... another blessing ... if you're having trouble finding them. :)

    Parents aren't perfect. Many of us come into this great responsibility, without any real training, or resources to provide the very best for our children. Most spend the entire time scrambling just to feed, clothe, and shelter the babies. In this day and time, i'm almost convinced, that if you can simply get your children grown ... especially our Sons ... grown, without a grave or prison coming into the picture ... we've been successful.

    Another great thing you can consider too Brother, is all the lessons you're learning, on how not to parent, should you ever embark upon such a tedious journey! :)

    I could go on and on ... as you can see ... because i think it's so much more important to learn to focus on the positive ... thanking God the negative didn't kill us ... and keep moving forward, higher, reaching for our own personal life goals.

    You are 23 now ... you are a grown man. They say, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. So you are even stronger now! :weights:

    Move proudly forward, enjoying the great life God has blessed you to live ... being ashamed of nothing!

    Yes Brother Lloyd ... it's good that you get all of that off of your chest, and feel free to do so anytime with us ... but while you're doing that ... i'm gonna be pointing you toward positive, uplifting, and encouraging thoughts ... for you have a WHOLE life ahead of you ... and it's not necessarily determined by what happened yesterday ... but by what you make happen, today! :)

    You are right Brother ... she is your Mama ... your only Mama ... and always treat her accordingly ... even if that means you must kindly tell her ... "i gotta stay away from you Mama, for a few days" .... you're a Man now, due in great part, to your Mama ... demonstrate this love for your Mother now, so when your children fall out with their Mama ... (and it happens, no matter how great the Mama is) ... you can encourage them to love their Mama, no matter what, just like you did! :)

    There are so many lessons in your life, so many ways to look at a thing ... try to see them all, if you can.


    Don't let your GrandMother leave this earth, without reaching out to her, however you gotta do it. If that means calling your Mother, do that. Life is just too short, and you'll see these days again. You don't want it to be your Grandchildren wondering if they should check on you, during your last days ... do you? Then don't let it be now. Move courageously forward Brother, and do what a Man must do!

    I think you owe it to your Mother (and all your Elders), to listen to what she has to say. Just give her that much, just listen. You are not bound to do what she says, as you are a grown man now. But at least hear her out. Then politely get up, and say thank you Mama, nice visiting with you! :)

    Yes, i think, as a grown man, you are free to reject or accept anyone's advice ... including your Mother's.

    My children reject my advice all the time! I have begun to even wonder why they ask my advice, as they are usually rejecting it, before i can even get it out good! That's okay with me though, and has grown to be expected. So relax, reject, or accept, all you want! Just listen while we're giving it ... :wink:

    Matter of fact Brother, my Daughter is your age and there have been times when she didn't even listen! :)

    I could have choked her neck ... but that's where she was ... and what i was saying, how i was saying it, wasn't helping her ... and she said ... "Momma, please, let's talk another time" ... :)

    So ... even though we want you to hear us ... if you say you're not gonna listen right now, in a nice way ... we'll even take that!

    Don't feel alone in the confusion. Parents are often confused too. Not sure exactly what to do, what will yield optimum results, what even are optimum expectations ... we don't know it all ... so don't you feel obliged to know it all either!

    Stay Forever Encouraged Brother! :grouphug:

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  4. Astrologer4U

    Astrologer4U Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2008
    Messages:
    3,298
    Likes Received:
    484
    Occupation:
    Self Employed
    Location:
    California
    Ratings:
    +486
    Hello Brother Lloyd...

    I just finished reading your post in it's original form and I felt everything that you said. I want to share my experiences with you as you have shared...

    What is the place of Mama in our life?

    Well, not only am I a mother but of course I have a mother as well. I understand that you are angry with both of your parents, not just your mother. However, you are only concerned with what role Mama is in our life. Because the scent of our mother is the first scent we smell, and her nurturing touch is the first we get used to, we tend to put a greater amount of responsibility on her. We expect Mama to never make what we call un motherly mistakes.

    I myself used to be very angry with my mother as well, even though she was the one who was there and from the age of 7 on up, my father was not there. As I grew older and began to observe my Mamas life, I began to see that not only was she my Mama, but that she was actually and individual. Mama used to be a child too, Mama has some negative aspects of childhood too, that she may have brought into adulthood as well. Mama could use some understanding as well. Also, Mama is capable of making mistakes too, let me explain...

    My mother is the youngest girl child of 10 siblings and she was a Daddy's little girl. When her parents split, my grandma got remarried and left my mother with her oldest sister to finish out being raised. At that time my mother was only the age 14 in need of her own mother, not her sister, and she was also at a loss for her father. My mother had to grow up really fast and when she had me and my sister, she was the age 24. Age 24 with two children. I have good memories of my Mama and lot's of bad memories of her as well. However there is one thing I can say about her, she did her absolute best raising me and my siblings as she could, and knew to the best of her knowledge, to do. No mother say's, I want to be a bad mama to my children, no mother say's that at all.


    You are an adult now so you don't have to live with you mother which is a good thing but from what I am hearing, you really love your mother and want to be close to her and your other family members as well. I know that it upsets you what your Mother said to your friend in front of you but your mother wishes that she had done better by you and believe you me, she feels bad. If she didn't, she wouldn't be coming around you trying to help you when she can, she would just be done with you. More than likely she was jealous of your female friend because she felt threatened by the love you would give to your friend, instead of her. At that moment she snapped not realizing that fighting over you would not give her brownie points towards a better relationship with you. Again you don't live with her so you can love her from a distance.

    I said all of that to say this, if you can forgive anyone, it should be your Mama. It's hard for a woman to raise kids alone with all the stress taking place in this world. The hurt your mother placed on you will be something that you may never let go. However, if you go on in life so angry with her it will only even more so effect you mentally and emotionally which is not good for your health. I just not long ago had to forgive my father for his not being there in my life when I really needed him. I was going around hurting inside because I could not let go what he did. Now that I have forgiven him, I am much more mentally and emotionally freer. My father didn't have a good childhood either so I had to be just as understanding towards him, as I was my mother.

    To answer your question, what does Mama mean in our life. Mama means Mama. The first woman and feminine principal that we first experience. We want her to be perfect and she does her best. One thing that is perfect about her is that she went through extreme pain to carry us for 9 months and then push us out into the world.




    Astrologer4U
     
  5. Lloyd

    Lloyd Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    May 29, 2004
    Messages:
    414
    Likes Received:
    3
    Ratings:
    +4
    Thank you so much sister Destee,or can i say "mama Destee" :donttell:
    I read your answer slowly and i felt encouraged.I didn't realize that it was like a therapy,but the thing is that it works!You've helped me so much,you can't even imagined to which extend;because your solutions are so simple,i wonder why i didn't think of'em.Maybe my mind wasn't clear enough.

    You are right,i shouldn't let my grand ma leave this world like that.I will take on me and do what i have to do,regardless of how i feel.I'm a man now!Plus,i should learn how to spread love without expecting a particular return.

    I won't leave all those events destroy my relationship with my family.But when time will be really hard ma'a D. ,be ready to listen -smile-

    God bless
     
  6. Lloyd

    Lloyd Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    May 29, 2004
    Messages:
    414
    Likes Received:
    3
    Ratings:
    +4

    Wow!!!!

    That's what comes to mind after reading what your mum had to go through.And out of a suddent i feel....selfish;i mean,there are so many people out there with more challenges that do much better than me concerning relationships.

    I admit that,for my mother's sake,i should do something to recreate links of peace and love.I admire you,and the fact that you say " Mama used to be a child too, Mama has some negative aspects of childhood too, that she may have brought into adulthood as well. Mama could use some understanding as well. Also, Mama is capable of making mistakes too " gives me another vision of who my mum can be.Maybe i was just expecting the perfect woman -smile-.

    I'm a little bit afraid of calling her on the phone - she may be harsh because of all those months without news and especially for that "i hate you" that i gave her. OMG!-

    Anyway,i'm gonna try it!I'm crossing my fingers and praying God at the same time.After that,i hope i will be able to help young people facing this kind of situation.

    Thanks a million;your experience enlighted me
     
  7. Lloyd

    Lloyd Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    May 29, 2004
    Messages:
    414
    Likes Received:
    3
    Ratings:
    +4
    Sis Astrologer4u,can you predict our future -i mean mum and i-.
    Just to make you smile.
     
  8. cocobutterskyn

    cocobutterskyn Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    May 25, 2001
    Messages:
    4,182
    Likes Received:
    171
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Spreading Joy.... need some?
    Location:
    Sixburgh, Pa.
    Ratings:
    +221
    Good Morning Lloyd,

    I read your post last night before going offline and planned to respond this morning. I’m happy to see from your responses to Destee and Astro that you seem to be less burden with your feelings on the situation, thank God. However, as a concerned person who is also a mother and has dealt with painful questions of how people who are supposed to love you, behave in a way that suggest otherwise… I’d like to respond.

    There are many adult-children who feel their parent(s) didn’t do right by them on so many different levels. In the last few years I have grown into the understanding that people love as well as they learn and there is nothing we can do to change that fact, except try to understand they have their reason(s). Yes, we can get angry and sound of at them about all the things they did or didn‘t do, but, when its all said and done the only thing that will probably happen is, they’ll accuse us of being disrespectful. Which would be true, because we are to respect our parents.

    We can’t pick and choose our parent(s) but when there are dysfunctional issues involved, we can pick and choose the kind of relationship we need to have with them. One that is most comfortable for us, be it limited physical and verbal contact, contact via cards and letters or no contact at all. If the latter is chosen, its very important that we are mentally and emotionally ready to do that, because it can eat at you to the point of sickness.

    I heard someone explain mean/unkind behavior in four words a few years ago, “Hurt people, hurt people” it has stuck with me up to this day in understanding some people’s actions.



    As you said, pray and if she is harsh, don't react the same, simply tell her you love her and will call again soon.

    BTW, I agree with Destee, you should go see your grandmother.

    Speaking as a Mother, sometimes our child(ren) can misread tough love or wise advice as something else. As Astro mentioned, “mama used to be a child too” I as a child sometimes mistook tough love as, just plain o' mommy and daddy being mean:)

    God bless you!


    MaddSistahlyLove!
    Coco:heart
     
  9. Astrologer4U

    Astrologer4U Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2008
    Messages:
    3,298
    Likes Received:
    484
    Occupation:
    Self Employed
    Location:
    California
    Ratings:
    +486
    Not ot mention children who have had it worse than us. Think about all those children in foreign countries who have had to leave their parents to go and work at the age 5. They don't have the luxury of being a family with their parents.

    Then their is another issue. Children who have been treated worse than us. Children who have been molested by their parents, or sold by their parents into sex slavery and there are worse stories to tell. Any way, the point is, you are right. If there are people out there having it worse than us, it would be selfish of us not to try to understand our parents and instead wallow in self pity, about how we were treated. People have had it worse than us.


    We all want Mama to be the perfect woman but she can only be who she can be. It ain't easy being, or trying to be the perfect Mama. I was 18 when I gave birth to my first and only daughter. I cried because I was very happy but at the same time, I was very scared because I was actually going to have to be responsible for a life. Can you imagine that?

    Yeah, in many ways my mother is still a child, I see it all the time in her when she say's or dose certain things. Because she had to grow up fast, that little girl in her has not caught up. Plus, she is the youngest girl child of 10 other siblings. It's going to take a while to create links of peace and love between you and your Mama. It took a long time for me to get along with my mother and it was a painful process but the day finally came. It will come for you to as long as you realize that your mother hurts too and no matter what, she could never not love her son. Plus, you are her first child too. That means that you came along when things were really ruff for her. She raised you with a lot of struggle so you represent how she made it through the ruff times during her first time at motherhood. She will never forget that. You are her diamond in the ruff.



    You can always write her a letter if you have not yet called her. If she is anywhere like my mother, she is going to be a tuff cookie at first. It's mighty brave and unselfish of you to make the first move, I admire you. Your Mama didn't do such a bad job with you after all.

    I think you would make a great advocate but first, you have to get things reasonably going well with Mama and you must go and see your grandma.

    I look forward back to hearing about how things went, I'm praying for you as well.



    Take care



    Sister


    Astrologer4U
     
  10. Astrologer4U

    Astrologer4U Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2008
    Messages:
    3,298
    Likes Received:
    484
    Occupation:
    Self Employed
    Location:
    California
    Ratings:
    +486

    Yes you did make me smile...hehehe


    I would like to help you from a holistic perspective if I could. Just in case your intentions was not to just make me smile, if you would like, if you have your birth time and your mothers birthday, I will see what I can do.



    Astrologer4U
     
Loading...