Black Relationships : The Misconception of the word......"Trust"

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Coach707, Mar 2, 2006.

  1. Coach707

    Coach707 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    The Misconception of the word....... "Trust"

    I had a pretty heated debate with a lady friend of mine last night! She told me in so many words that in a committed relationship we should "trust" our partners enough to allow them to have access to EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. This includes our wallet, our bank account, our cell phone if they feel the need etc.


    I then asked her if she would reciprocate this invasion of privacy and she responded, "yes, but there are certain belongings of a woman that you should not touch!"

    I then tried to explain to her that the word "trust" is not about invasion of privacy. We looked up the word "trust" in the Merrian-Websters School dictionry and it says: Trust/ noun: assured reliance on the character.

    I then went on to say that if you trust someone, like the defenition, you are sure that you can trust them so there is no need for proof. Trust is faith in that persons character.

    Of course she disagreed, she said that trust is in KNOWING that the person is doing what he is suppose to do.

    What do you guys think? I had the time of my life arguing back and forth, yet we never came to understand what men and women really need in refrence to trust in relationships.
     
  2. cursed heart

    cursed heart Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    You got alot of lady friends!
    Trust and faith is a personal belief.
    If someone does something to prove these don't exist then that's where the issues began.
    I could say I trust my boyfriend, but if he comes in smelling like a bar with lipstick on his collar i'm going to wonder wtf is going on!
    If man's wife is always on the phone with other men or refuses him sex and attention, he's going to start to wonder wtf is going on!
    Also if you know in your gut that somethings wrong and it's finally proven it only hurts more but you're glad you know.

    Now on to bank accounts,wallets,cell phone etc!
    Husband and wives have joint accounts everyday,but they should keep up with what each other have spent.Like if we have 6 grand in the account and you decide to buy a 60 inch for 3500 you better tell me when you are buying it or we should at least discuss it! Don't just spend the money and there is no explanation for it! I don't like bologna sandwiches and open toilets so don't send me to death row for choking the chit out of you for so much money dissapearing!
    Wallet? What the hell would they be going through each others wallets for unless they told each other to grab some money?
    Cell phone? again refer to the above paragraph!
     
  3. Coach707

    Coach707 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hey Cursed Heart, I associate better with the opposite sex for some reason.

    I think that you misunderstood what I was trying to say. I am not saying that people in relationships should not have things that they share. I am saying that people in relationships violate their mates personal privacy over and over (by going through their belongings looking for something!) yet think this constitutes trust!


    Thats crap. This young lady actually thought that she had the right to go through her mates belongings in the name of "trust" with no disreguard for respect and faith in that individual to do the right thing. I personally think that this type of thinking could sabotage a relationship from the begining. Not all, but some women have these tendencies. I know more than a handful of women who have done their share of searching cell phones for suspicious numbers, and even going to the extreme of smelling their man's penis after he stayed out too late!

    You advocate this type of behavior Cursed Heart? If all you have is a "feeling" that your mate is doing wrong is this enough to violate his privacy and disrespect him this way?

    He!l, I know from experience that most women treat men in relationships like racist cops, they are looking for someone to pin the blame on and guess who fits the description. I have been in countless situations where I had to argue my innocence constantly over a recieved call on my cell phone, or a supposed "change in my pattern" of doing things that triggers those "feelings" in women. Could it be possible that those feelings could be wrong once?

    Now, Im not saying that women are bad people. Im not saying that women should not have defense mechanisms to defend against men who try to do more harm than good. I am saying that some women take this defense thing a little too far, and it kills relationships.
     
  4. cursed heart

    cursed heart Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Yes, I've done it but only to one man.
    All the signs were there but somehow I needed proof!
    But men have a way if they are smart of covering their tracks!
    I tried to look for girls names and he had them as secrets in the phone!
    One day he left his phone with me and he shut it off, which I thought why leave it with me and then turn it off!
    aNYWAY i let my sister use it to call my mother becuase we were on the road
    Before she dialed the phone rang and when she answered the girl cussed my sister out! Turns out he was cheating with a married woman!
    Now I know she shouldn't have answered the phone but I thought it was my ex because he had business and no phones were allowed in the building and that's why I had it!
    So like I said if signs are there I'd rather know now!
     
  5. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    To Trust is to understand , understanding to respect each other
    and their privacy , trust in there character of deed and
    loyality to thy mate.

    Trust has nothing to do with one who invades the personal
    privacy of another or mate by going or searching things only
    say they don't trust which divides togetherness or understanding
    which is dis-honoring to one's mate .

    I think trust has been used in the wrong way for reason to suite
    that persons needs or seem right to do, if you trust then no need
    to go invading .

    Peace & Love
     
  6. Radical Faith

    Radical Faith Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    First Brother how do you define a committed relationship? I'll tell you how I define one. A committed relationship is a marriage between a man and a woman. That's it. If the goal is not marriage then you are not committed. Trust is something earned. The way you earn someones trust is proving over and over again that you have there best interest at heart. Meaning you will not hurt them, dishonor them, disgrace them or cause strife and peril in their lives. During the courtship ritual each person has privacy because each person has reservation about the relationship. Once trust is earned the relationship moves toward a lifelong committed. You can't be committed to someone you don't or can't trust. As far as respecting privacy, in a marriage there is no privacy. Not even when you are sitting on the toilet taking a dump. So in a marriage in the true since trust has already been established, therefore something being a matter of trust is not even a question that comes up.


    Peace.............
     
  7. karmashines

    karmashines Banned MEMBER

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    I don't agree with going through a person's belongings unless they made it clear that was acceptable.

    If I suspected my mate was cheating, I would talk to him, not violate his privacy. If he told me he wasn't, I would trust him. The truth would come out eventually anyway.
     
  8. Radical Faith

    Radical Faith Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Exactly...The truth will come out. This is why I don't worry myself about my cheating or her going through my things while I'm not at home or any of that. Though we have indiviual interests we still are as one. I have nothing to hide from my wife. As for me rifling though her things, that's absolutely ridiculous. If my wife were cheating on me what would I be able to do about it? Leave her or Stay with her that's it..I sure couldn't stop her. So why worry? Infact if she is able to find time to cheat on me as busy as our schedules are and still make me happy without me knowing about it more power to her. I have the utmost confidence in our marriage because we constantly work to improve our situation. We are eachothers compliment...


    Peace.....
     
  9. karmashines

    karmashines Banned MEMBER

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    I wouldn't worry about rummaging either, but if he did do it I would be mad. It wouldn't be a matter of having something to hide, but more so that he was being sneaky.
     
  10. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Hello Brother Coach. This is a very good topic. I'm not sure that one should turn to the dictionary to fully understand what it means to "trust" someone because that definition is so shallow and very superficial. In my opinion, trust is not a concept that is easily explained, much less defined.

    It's one of those concepts that probably has as many definitions as there are people you ask. People have different ways to describe what trust means to them and it's usually by giving examples like your lady friend. She may not be able to convey what it means but she can tell you how it looks to her when she sees it. What she described you thought sounded like an "invasion of privacy" which MAY NOT have anything to do with trust or trusting someone.

    I've always heard and believe that trust is something that people earn through behavior. I know people who never trust anyone until they have reason to. On the other hand, there are those who trust automatically, until given reason why they shouldn't. I've heard about couples who trust each other with their lives--that's how much faith they have in each other.

    So it seems to me that, trust is an earned benefit that comes with the way we think about each other, and how people carry themselves. Love and trust are not always synonymous. Just because you love someone doesn't always mean you can trust them. Trust and commitment are not always synonymous. Just because you're in an exclusive relationship, doesn't always mean the couple is trustworthy.

    If trust=love=commitment, then I would submit that the rate of divorces and failed relationships would decline significantly.

    Queenie :heart:
     
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