Poetry Critiques : The Loan Applicant

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by MANASIAC, Feb 2, 2005.

  1. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Here Ye! Here Ye!
    Come hither and here the story of a rejected man
    A Man who could never secure a loan
    They say his credit history was bad
    And they say his current job they would not condone

    He tried many loan offices
    And all rejected his loan the same
    He basked in his rejection
    It almost subjected him into a state of serious depression

    But one day
    A Loan Processor saw an app for what some called a broken man
    She invited him into her office for a discussion of terms
    He thought he would get rejected yet again
    He refused to go because the pain of another reject would burn

    When she ran his credit history
    She saw it was full of pain, strife and loss of life
    When she saw that his Job was that of a sincere and intellectual man
    She approved his application for a loan of acceptance
    And in a matter of a few days she left an impression on him that was larger than the country of Sudan

    Thank you Onisha Claire
    For giving me a chance to dance
    Thank you for looking over the R9’s in my past
    Because I believe that you see something in me
    Maybe you see the I1’s of my future that others refuse to see
     
  2. Prizefighter16

    Prizefighter16 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    This was another good poem on your part Manasiac
    I can only suggest , to better the poem, that you change the tense of the first stanza. The story ends with the man, getting the loan, but in the first stanza:
    Come hither and here the story of a rejected man
    A Man who could never secure a loan
    They say his credit history was bad
    And they say his current job they would not condone

    It's present tense, making it seem that he still can't get a loan

    you should change all the "say", to "said",

    otherwise, nice poem. (by the way, not picking on you Manasiac, just noticed no one really replied to the poem :)
     
  3. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Tanx for the prompt reply prize, but you miss the theme of the pronoun they. They infers a sense of another entity. They are saying he currently cannot get a loan and in their minds, they are thinking his ineligible. They currently oppose his application for a loan. So they have to be mentioned in a present tense in order for the poem to have proper structure. If they were no longer opposing him receiving a loan, there is no need to write the poem, because he is qualified and has no current obstacle for his loan application.

    I appreciate the comments and I want to thank you sincerely. I just wanted to give you an illustration of my pronoun usage, and how it affects the nature of the poem.
     
  4. Prizefighter16

    Prizefighter16 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    yeah, i see it now...the verbs kinda threw me off, so, it's a good poem without my suggestion. I see now why you used the tenses you did.
     
  5. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank ya lady for all the analysis, it is really helpful. :)
     
  6. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    great landing and structure to the piece from bitter to sweet
    I can honestly say it was good
     
  7. Spirit2All

    Spirit2All Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Good writing ... this poem is symbolic of the way we are judged and valued in society today .... by our assets instead of our values ....
     
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