Black People : The Last Time

Discussion in 'Black People Open Forum' started by mzperception, Feb 10, 2010.

  1. mzperception

    mzperception Member MEMBER

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    This is a very simple piece, the intro to a novel that I have been working on. I would really appreciate the feedback....


    The Last Time( excerpt from...)

    We stared awkwardly at one another as though we had no idea of what had just taken place. My clothes were thrown about the room along with the pictures of them that he’d placed along the bar since the last time I was here. I sat there in disgust, chest heaving as I tried to catch my breath, jeans dangling from my ankle, while he just stood there and stared straight through me.

    My body still felt numb, and though my breasts were spilling from my bra, I couldn’t feel them. My heart was heavy. I wanted him to be next to me instead of standing across the room. Wanted to feel us still intertwined while he made love to me. Wanted to feel his warm embrace when he reached his climax and he lay motionless while we stared out at the beautiful city skyline. I searched his face for some kind of emotion. A notion that he felt the way I did and that this was all just a lie, or in some way had a logical explanation that I could deal with. And when I found nothing there, I decided that it was time for me to go.

    I forced myself from the counter top and landed heavy on the wood floor beneath me, walked past him, while he stood there with an arrogance that made me sick to my stomach. I gathered the rest of my things and walked to the door but before opening it removed his key from my key chain and placed it in the bowl on the table in the foyer. I inhaled for the last time before departing, tears streaming down my face because I couldn’t understand this. And as I walked out expecting him to say something, or come running, I heard silence.

    I rode the elevator down in disbelief, still wanting him to be there when the elevator door opened, and when it did and I exited alone, I walked the length of the corridor and out into the night air and took a deep breath.

    I could still see her standing in the moonlight while she watched us in the kitchen. How he was so unconcerned while he continued to fulfill my needs as if she wasn’t even there. How I tried to push him away from me because it was wrong for him to have put me in this situation and leave us both vulnerable in that way. He’d never even mentioned a girlfriend and then here a beautiful woman comes into “their” dwelling, and I couldn’t understand why he felt that he couldn’t be honest enough to tell me that they were involved or even engaged to be married for that fact. He had pleased me to the point of an orgasm and there was nothing I could do to stop it, and as much as I wanted him to stop, his came soon after. I was disgusted, but more embarrassed than anything, yet I still wanted something from this lying, inconsiderate, man. And when the phone rang and his name showed up on the caller id, I ignored him. From this point forward, this will be the last time anyone gets the best of me.
     
  2. skuderjaymes

    skuderjaymes Contextualizer Synthesizer MEMBER

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    very nice flow.. easy read.. smooth pace.. not rushed.. not attempting to
    tell everything at once.. The way I decide if I'm going to read a book or not
    is by reading the first chunk.. I would read the rest of this book.. I already
    have some feeling for the character.. not sympathy though.. just something
    where I care about what happens to her..

    nicely done.
     
  3. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    this story line was very well done wit a very sweet flow to follow
    had me taken in hope there's more ........i want mo pt 2 Please!!!
     
  4. mzperception

    mzperception Member MEMBER

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    Thank you very much, I really appreciate the honesty. There will be more soon...hope this can keep yall entertained until then.
     
  5. sarcasm4eva

    sarcasm4eva Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    good intro and im awaiting more.sometimes we want things that we know are no good for us..i hope this wont be the last time u share ur writng.pt.2 please
     
  6. mzperception

    mzperception Member MEMBER

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    Thank you very much. I hope to have more posted within the next couple of days.
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    don't forget about us , i love reading and can't wait till your next post
     
  8. sarcasm4eva

    sarcasm4eva Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'm w/$$Rich$$ , where's pt.2?? I wanna know if she regressed to her old ways because she thinks she doesnt deserve more...still awaitin pt.2 patiently
     
  9. mzperception

    mzperception Member MEMBER

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    part two is available... The Last Time (Part Two)
     
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