Poetry Critiques : The Discrimination Was So Great

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by Destee, Jan 31, 2005.

  1. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Hello Family !!!! :wave:

    I said that i'd not post anything over here, but when i read that i could go and get an old peace ... one that i really love and wonder how it would be critiqued ... plus what would it be like if i didn't take part in this, our newest forum ... yall know i had ta represent! :)

    Another thing i've learned, from watching the interaction thus far ... is that a critique also includes what the reader thinks the poet is saying, or where the poet is at, etc. ... that is deep, and an awesome aspect of this new forum ... which i could not ... did not ... anticipate.

    So here i am ... i'm ready ... i have braced myself for the haunting reviews! :eeek:

    But for real though, i think for this forum to be a true success ... everyone must be honest, and that honesty must be embraced. Don't have me running around here calling myself a poet, 'cause yall don't wanna hurt my feelings! :kiss:

    Okay ... here goes ... my poem for critique!

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    The Discrimination Was So Great


    the discrimination was so great, they beat me to the ground
    i'd been taught to fight back, but this beating was profound
    still after every single blow i maintained my firm position
    thinking surely right would win and they'd loosen up the tension

    but there was more of them than me and my body had to give
    waving my white flag, you win ... forever ... i'm your captive
    i won't talk back anymore, not a word you'll hear from me
    just let me keep my job so that i can feed my family

    but still they kept on beating, brought them joy to see my pain
    till something clicked inside of me, looking back it seems insane ...

    God knew this was too much for me, how much can one soul take
    so He gave me Bubba, Beulah and Cindy to help relieve the ache
    they came and lived inside of me, taking bullets that were aimed
    to kill my soul, my spirit, my hope, leaving all completely maimed

    Cindy came in first, she was white and very meek
    it was quite natural for her to act and talk real weak
    just the way they wanted to hear their captive speak

    now Beulah, that's my girl, she was rough and tough and mean
    she aint take no stuff ... nuth'n submissive 'bout this Queen
    i exhaled so dramatically with Beulah on the scene

    Bubba, ooohhhh my Bubba, he'd kill a rock for me
    big and black, strong and tall, he wasn't waiting to be free
    he loved to fight, didn't mind dying 'cause he'd be taking quite a few
    we all felt safe with Bubba around, i think Bubba was the glue
    that held us all together, the courage that got us through

    they came to relieve me of the pain that discrimination caused
    allowing me to hide in them so the pain in me could pause
    they fought the battle so i could hide behind their strong resolve
    'til God lifted us out of the lion's den so we could all evolve

    i was really very shocked during this trying time of mine
    that these spirits came to live inside my body, soul and mind
    it's been years since they left, they remained for quite a while
    making sure that peace was mine before leaving me behind

    Bubba was the last to leave and quite reluctantly
    assuring him that all was well he tipped his hat to me
    i cried real tears as i saw him walk away
    wondr'n if he helped my ancestors make it thru their days

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  2. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Poet but don't Know It

    I'm at once at odds with Destee, who I feel has the heart and soul of a poet.
    Nevertheless, here goes.

    Case in point: "The Discrimination Was So Great" is an epic poem. By that I mean it surpasses the ordinary in scope and sensitivity.

    The power of the poem is somewhat stiifled by the rhyme format in which it presents itself. The experiences suffered by the storyteller, the conflict and drama inherent in the piece, are enough to carry the day. It needn't rhyme.

    Lady so divine
    Destee is a rhyme
    Sweet bouquet of time
    Like the finest wine


    :luvu:
     
  3. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Destee,

    This is a very great way of writing a poetical story. I have written several of these myself, and I want to encourage you to keep rhyming. If you can learn to rhyme properly you will not stifle anything. I do not think the rhyming scheme stifled the work, but I actually think the lack of organization stifled let me explain further:

    Usually when one writes a story it consists of the following elements:

    Plot

    Conflict

    Resolution

    Now when you apply that to poetry that gets tricky; moreover, when you attempt to rhyme as well. The rhythm or meter has nothing to do with the aforementioned elements. These elements have to be created and exploited by the writer. There a lot of poets who don't understand the structure of a story. A story is a far more complex medium than poetry, but when you combine the two, you get what could be a convoluted work if not done properly.



    The Discrimination Was So Great


    Plot Section:

    the discrimination was so great, they beat me to the ground
    i'd been taught to fight back, but this beating was profound
    still after every single blow i maintained my firm position
    thinking surely right would win and they'd loosen up the tension

    but there was more of them than me and my body had to give
    waving my white flag, you win ... forever ... i'm your captive
    i won't talk back anymore, not a word you'll hear from me
    just let me keep my job so that i can feed my family

    but still they kept on beating, brought them joy to see my pain
    till something clicked inside of me, looking back it seems insane ...


    I want to assume that these three stanzas are the plot.
    The plot here is a bit too broad. Discrimination is a very broad term.
    Since the character is a woman could it be sexual discrimination?
    Could it be Racial Discrimination?


    Instead of establishing a plot of discrimination, I think you actually establish a plot of employee bullying, or employee violence. This non establishment is the beginning of the stagnation of a very great Poetic Story.

    Conflict Section:


    God knew this was too much for me, how much can one soul take
    so He gave me Bubba, Beulah and Cindy to help relieve the ache
    they came and lived inside of me, taking bullets that were aimed
    to kill my soul, my spirit, my hope, leaving all completely maimed


    I want to assume this stanza as the conflict section. There is really no conflict established here. You merely say I was given children to deal with the ache, of the aforementioned employer violence or discrimination. This is not a real conflict. Then you switch gears and confuse the reader a tad, with the emphasis of spiritual warfare. This was not established in the plot, so therefore the conflict is really making no sense at this point. Unfortunately, the reader has to create his or her own idea of plot and conflict at this point. The goal of the story-teller is to create the conflict for the reader.


    Resolution Section:

    Now that we are here with no real established plot and conflict, we have a resolution that is the final piece of stagnation let me explain.

    Cindy came in first, she was white and very meek
    it was quite natural for her to act and talk real weak
    just the way they wanted to hear their captive speak

    Is Cindy representing an a Universal theme? Who is they and their? Remember by this line we really do not know who they and their are.

    now Beulah, that's my girl, she was rough and tough and mean
    she aint take no stuff ... nuth'n submissive 'bout this Queen
    i exhaled so dramatically with Beulah on the scene

    What stuff is she not taking? What is she not submitting too. As the writer you should have communicated this to us, in your plot and conflict.

    Bubba, ooohhhh my Bubba, he'd kill a rock for me
    big and black, strong and tall, he wasn't waiting to be free
    he loved to fight, didn't mind dying 'cause he'd be taking quite a few
    we all felt safe with Bubba around, i think Bubba was the glue
    that held us all together, the courage that got us through

    Bubba sounds awesome. However, what is he getting us through? Who was he fighting? What did he risk his life for?


    they came to relieve me of the pain that discrimination caused
    allowing me to hide in them so the pain in me could pause
    they fought the battle so i could hide behind their strong resolve
    'til God lifted us out of the lion's den so we could all evolve

    Now the reader gets a sense of, oh okay, these children are metaphors for greater things. However, you say they fought the battle but you said Cindy was weak. Is Cindy apart of the group that fought the battle too?

    i was really very shocked during this trying time of mine
    that these spirits came to live inside my body, soul and mind
    it's been years since they left, they remained for quite a while
    making sure that peace was mine before leaving me behind

    Now we realize that they are not even kids they are spirits. Once again, it is hard to understand spiritual warfare, when it was vaguely mentioned in beginning. Your plot does not outline spiritual warfare; it gives a broad outline of discrimination and violence.

    Bubba was the last to leave and quite reluctantly
    assuring him that all was well he tipped his hat to me
    i cried real tears as i saw him walk away
    wondr'n if he helped my ancestors make it thru their days

    So is the poetic story really about Discrimination or about Spiritual Warfare? Or is it about three entities that are defenders of the ideals of your ancestors?

    Like I said in the first paragraph of this post, you rhyming is not an issue. Rhyming is just a style of poetry; which has nothing to do with a story. If you would have written this work without rhyming, you would have still had the same result.

    Would I would like you to do, is try to re-create the story with the aforementioned ideas of Plot, Conflict and Resolution. I really think you will make this message even more powerful, if it was clearer. I really think this work can be taken to the next level with proper story structure.

    When writing a story, do not spend your time thinking about a style, write the story first, revise, and stylize last. Style has nothing to do with Story.

    The Bottom link is an example of a Poetical Story I wrote it has the following elements:

    Plot - A Guy who hates kids, and is a fornicator is visited by his children from the future

    Conflict - He really wants these children out of his house, because he dislikes kids, and he also wants them out because he does not want to show his vulnerability.

    Resolution - He suddenly realizes that his Tough Act is actually a mirage for the pain of his failures in life, and he shows his children why he really dislikes Children

    And by the way, the story rhymes.



    http://destee.com/forums/showthread.php?t=26731
     
  4. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    A Quick Rhyming Story About Destee

    This is the basis for my story:

    Lady so divine
    Destee is a rhyme
    Sweet bouquet of time
    Like the finest wine

    Destee is a lady that is so Divine
    Destee is political yet sensual like Nikki Giovanni's rhymes
    Impressive and flattering, like a bouqet of roses delivered on time
    She is refreshing and sweet, like Napa Valley Grapes, used with the worlds best Merlot Wines


    Rhyming is beautiful when used properly.

    Plot - Destee

    Conflict - What is Destee?

    Resolution - Destee is a wonderful lady with many attrtibutes as mentioned in each line.
     
  5. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    destee...let me first say that you amaze me with all of your God given talents...
    people on this site be killing me talking bout..."i aint a poet, i aint a poet" lol
    you are a poetess destee so please feel free to drop whatever thoughts you may have on us...please do...

    now...let's get down to business
    you told a wonderful story of 3 alter ego's that manifested themselves inside of you during a ruff time...this is very creative and truthfully, i was not expecting a central theme such as this from that title. that is always good to keep the reader guessing and even suprise'n them every now and then and again. brother manasiac made some good points in his critique so i shant repeat the things that he said. one thing that i thought would make the poem more effective is stating why the alter ego's left your conciousness. what happened in your life, or the life of the storyteller, to render these egos useless?

    i hope i was not to ruff destee...if i was, you can beat me...:lol:
    thank you again mother queen for allowing something as beautiful as poetic discussions to take place on this site and thank you for being brave enough to come over here and drop a very interesting piece...poetess :wink:

    one love
    khasm
     
  6. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    I've had the pleasure to hear this spoken and felt the depth of it
    the meaning and devoted heart behind it , a poet scribe true emotions
    feelings and truth your concept hit a devine point ....you are a poetess
    which you have not aknowledge yet as a beginner and very talented .

    What i love is how you created realism with as one person said
    the plot the confliction and your deep resolution how it maze in
    depth to a reader this was not by design but by pure talent.

    God bless your handz & mind to mend a creation poeticly
    please use the gift you given forth it's a blessing and it reach hearts
    faster then any ...Remember a poet knows a poet when they see one
    they can feel it through the vibes or scribe to canvas i see one in you
    as a poet !

    this was one awesome piece and any publisher would accept it
    because the depth it pose..............you are truely one rare rose.
     
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