Hello everyone i just wanted to tell you something that i feel alittle guilty about. Let me explain, see i have lied to you. I wanted to be apart of this site so bad that i had to ensure that my husband understood that it was just my passion for writing that always brought me safely here to unfold with all of you. I have always praised him to all of you and in that respect i never lied, i know i love him with all the breath in my body and he has always made me feel like our lives were intwined amidst his organs of the soul. But he has been very hard on me and that is why i disappear for months and i dont leave any word. My husband has a problem with Domestic Violence and he has abused my for 14 years, his jealousy meant my demise and my life ceased to grow and i could not do anything unless he okayed it first. If you read my poems you can see some of my pain, and my last thread you love me, was how it use to be between us in the early days before the beatings became his friend. For the last 14 years i have been a prisoner in my own home and i have been in and out of shelters to return with my kids because of fear and love and financial problems and the desire for my marriage to work, i tried so hard and gave up so much, and he just go worse and worse and worse. I sit here now and wonder that god could have been the only one to give me the courage to call the police this time, i was tired , he had became a demon. I lost my mother last month and he beat me anyway, i had to hold her hand when she died and he knew i was lost inside and he used it to hurt me, and eventho he is in jail now, my heart is broken. I have never loved anyone in my life the way i love him i feel like my soul died inside, and i had to leave all my belongings and leave with my kids and i dont know where i will live or if i can afford to live anywhere. I wanted to share this with all of you because i needed too. I feel so lost inside i guess i need this family support, please. Because of the abuse of so many years the state took it over and he is still in jail and i know when he gets out he will look for me in rage. So if you never hear from me one fine day and those days turn into years past five, always remember that i always tried to be honest until it was almost choked out of me. I love everybody here, Destee, RIch, NNqueen, Purplemoons, Khasm, keep flowing and give the words the skills they need to administer to the soul, you have always done that for me. Hey destee, listen i wanted to ask you what ever happened to a poem i wrote on here called "Little Black Girl Dont Cry, i cant find it anywhere can you see if you can pull it up i kind of need to feel that right now. And for anyone i forgot to mention Blakverb, i read alot of work here i just couldnt before put down to many replys because he was very jealous of that, will someone please pray that my heart will not give out and i will not be homeless for much longer, i should have named this "guess what i was doing on valentines day, I have kids and no resources i need prayer and support, it happened so fast and i just couldnt let him beat me again, i couldnt hear the words, i think i would have died if i wouldnt have called this time. Keep the flow, its my therapy.