Black Spirituality Religion : The Almighty said: “Lighten up!”

Discussion in 'Black Spirituality / Religion - General Discussion' started by TheWitness, Mar 31, 2005.

  1. TheWitness

    TheWitness Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Feb 20, 2005
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    It's estimated that the Good Book can now be read in 318 different languages around the world – and if that's not enough, then bits of it are available in a further 2182 languages.

    But that's only the official, churchy stuff. There's also the Bible for Scousers, black rappers, Cockneys, and even Captain Kirk's deadliest foes, the Klingons. Join me as we look over the shoulders of all these groups for a regularly-updated Bible reading from some of the world's greatest Unauthorized Versions.

    The Almighty said: “Lighten up!”
    I will start this off with the creation of heaven and earth from the Book of Genesis – according to The Black Bible Chronicles, a 'hip and holy' version written for the streets of the South Bronx…
    Now when the Almighty was first down with His program, He made the heavens and the earth. The earth was a fashion misfit, being so uncool and dark, but the Spirit of the Almighty came down real tough, so that He simply said, 'Lighten up!' And that light was right on time. And the Almighty liked what He saw and let the light hang out a while before it was dark again. He laid out a name for the light, calling it 'day' time and the dark he called 'night' time so that all around it made up the first day…

    The Almighty made two big lights and they did shine on the earth. The big light, he called the sun and it rested itself over the earth during the day, and the little light, which He called the moon, cruised through the night. The Almighty added the little lights called stars and put them in the sky and they did their share of the lighting, so that now we have a day and a night for real and the Almighty was feeling mighty fine on the fourth day…

    The Almighty finally finished making the earth and was right on target with all that He had made. So on the big seven, the Almighty said, 'Enough!' And the Almighty caused this day to be a special day 'cuz this was the day He'd finished His program.

    Taken from The Black Bible Chronicles (P.K. McCary, interpreter, African American Family Press, New York, 1993).

    You're gunna catch men instead of fish!
    Now, we join the crowds by the shore of the Sea of Galilee (or should that be Liverpool Bay?) for a Scouser's version of Jesus and the miraculous catch of fish, taken from The Gospels in Scouse.
    One day Jesus wus talkin to a big crowd on de sea shore. And as the crowd got biggern bigger de fellers at de back started shovin ter gerra good look at im. Dat put the top at on ut! Dare wasn't any crush barriers or nowt like dat. Tings soon started ter look nasty for everybody, an specially Jesus. E'd uv been smashed ter pulp by de stampede in no time if e adden acted smartly.

    But dare was a cuppla fishin boats pulled up on de beach. Dare owners were by em washin out dare nets and listnin to im preachin, same time.

    'Quick lads,' sed Jesus. 'Do us a favour, willya?'

    Day cotton on quick an shoved one a de boats out in de water. Den Jesus opped in wid dem.

    De fellers on de beach cud all see im den, do day stopped dare shovin and maulin, an Jesus wus able ter sit in de boat and talk to dem all in safety.

    After e'd sed wot e wanted to e gev over an sed to de lad ood done im de good tern, 'Let's go out dare whur its deep. You deserve a good ketch fer dat.'

    But dis feller – is name wus Peter – wasn't all dat keen. E'd bin at it all night. Catched nowt needer. Besides e wus a professional an didn't think much uv takin advice about fishin from a carpenter. Owever, Jesus jest smiled, so ter please im like Peter oisted de sail and off day goes.

    But wen day chucked de nets over de side Peter laughed on de other side uv is gob. De nets shot down as if day'd caught a whale or summat. Before e cud scratch is ead dare was so many fish in de net day cudden pull it back by demselves.

    'Ey, youse lot!' yelled Peter to is mates in t'other boat. 'C'mere!' An wen day came day filled both boats so full day nearly sank wid de weight.

    You'd uv thought Peter'd uv bin as pleased a punch. But not im. E feel flat on is face in frunt uv Jesus an sed: 'Don't pal up wid me, Boss, I'm jest not good enough for you.'

    But Jesus sed: 'Don't let dat worry yer, lad. From now on you're gunna catch men instead of fish.'

    An wen day'd got ashore day left an follered im.

    Taken from The Gospels in Scouse (**** Williams & Frank Shaw, White Lion Publishers Ltd, 1967).

    The Lord is my QorghwI…
    One of the gentlest and best-loved passages from the Old Testament is now available to the most bloodthirsty beings in our neck of the Galaxy – the Klingons. This version of Psalm 23, brought to you courtesy of the Klingon Language Institute, has a helpful interlinear translation for earthlings whose knowledge of the language is a little rusty…
    DavID SoQ:
    David['s] speech:

    QorghwI'wI' ghaH joH'a''e'
    caretaker-my he[-is] great-lord

    jIHvaD Dach pagh
    for-me [it-]lacks nothing

    tI yotlhmeyDaq muQotmoH
    vegetation fields-at [he-]makes[-me]-lie

    vIHbe'bogh bIQDaq muDev
    move-not-which water-at [he-]leads[-me]

    qa'wI' chegh
    my-spirit [he-]returns[-it]

    pongDajmo' Hemey ruvDaq mulengmoH
    name-his-because justice['s] courses [he-]makes[-me]-travel

    Hegh QIb ngechDaq jIlengtaHvIS je
    death['s] shadow['s] valley-at [I-]travel-while also

    mIghwI' vIHajbe'
    that-which-is-evil [I-]dread-not[-it]


    mutungHa' naQlIj'e' (...?).
    [it/they-]encourage[-me] staff-your-(topic)

    SaHtaHvIS jaghpu'wI' jIHvaD SopDaq Dacher
    [they-]are-present-while enemies-my I-for eat-place [you]establish[-it]

    nachwIjDaq pIvmoHbogh taS DangoH
    head-my-at healthy-make-which solution [you-]smear[-it]

    ngaSqu' HIvje'wIj.
    [it-]contains-emphatic glass-my.

    mutlha'bej QaQwI' pung je
    [they-]follow[-me]-definitely that-which-is-good mercy and

    qaStaHvIS yInwIj jaj Hoch,
    [they-]occur-while life-mine day all,

    'ej joH'a' juHDaq jIyIn qaStaHvIS jaj law'.
    and great-lord['s] home-at [I-]live [they-]occur-while day many.

    Psalm 23, translated by Mark Shoulson into tlhIngan Hol, Copyright © Klingon Language Institute 1994. The website gives further information about the Klingon Bible Translation Project, which is translating all the books of the Old and New Testaments into this fictitious language.

    Take the bulletproof vest of faith!
    This is taken from the sixth chapter of St Paul's well-known Epistle to Birmingham. It appears in the Cotton Patch Bible, translated by Clarence Jordan into the language of the deep American South – a sort of Kentucky Fried Chicken version in which Washington, Selma and Atlanta replace Rome, Thessalonica and Corinth. The reading is best enjoyed read aloud in your finest 'Gone With the Wind' accent, with a glass of Jack Daniels readily to hand…
    Lastly, be strong and courageous men for Christ. Put on God's uniform so as to be able to withstand all the Devil's tricks. For we're not fighting against ordinary human beings, but against the leaders, politicians and heads of state of this dark world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

    So, put on God's uniform so you'll be able to put up a fight on the day of battle and, having tended to every detail, to make your stand.

    Therefore, take your position when you have put on the pants of truth, the shirt of righteousness, and the shoes of the good news of peace. Above all, take the bulletproof vest of faith, with which you'll be able to stop the tracer bullets of the evil one. Also, wear the helmet of salvation, and the pistol of the Spirit, which is God's word.

    Taken from The Cotton Patch Version of Paul's Epistles (translated by Clarence Jordan, New Win Publishing Inc., 1968).
  2. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

    United States
    Apr 22, 2003
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    Hahahaha! I loved those versions! lol

    Thank you Sister!

    AHMOSE Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Feb 6, 2005
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    Mechanical Engineer
    Educating the Diaspora
    Very intresting post thanks for sharing.