Black People : The African Selection Process

Discussion in 'Black People Open Forum' started by panafrica, Sep 16, 2004.

  1. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I believe the selection process among African Americans is poor, and our relationships suffer as a result. Immediate gratification is a large part of American (European) culture, and African Americans have adopted this mentality to our detriment. Immediate gratification is evident in the careers we choose and the investments we make. However the most damaging example of immediate gratification within our communtity, is the criteria many of us choose to selection of mates. Many in our community are selecting mates based on superficial aspects (money, clothes, etc), instead of quality of character. It is common in our community to ignore/overlook the family background & personal history of potential mates, as if this information is not vitale to determining whether to be with someone.

    When people turn away from the culture of their ancestors, it leads to destructive/detrimental behavior. The African American communty & the state of the black family is a classic example of this. We come from a land, where family was the most important aspect of life. We currently live in a land where family is not considered to be important. The two can not mix, and as we adopt more European view on family & relationships...the disturbing numbers which plague our community (60% divorce rate, 70% of children born out of wedlock, etc) will continue to increase. The only was to reverse this downward trend is to return to the culture of our ancestors. Specifically we need to adopt an African Selection Process:

    There are many subtle differences between wedding ceremonies and traditions between the various African countries and cultures. One universal theme however, that one will find in most African wedding traditions is the total inclusion of family. Africans in general believe that a marriage is the joining of two families not just two individuals. It is essential that the two families know and respect each other. Most importantly it is important that the families have love for one another, if the married couple is to have a healthy and lasting relationship.

    This is evident in Ghana, where across ethnic groups, people screen their potential partners and their families for any undesirable traits (contagious diseases, criminal backgrounds, common religious background, violent behavior, etc). Family interaction is an important part of the marriage process and both bride and groom will be checked out to see if they are respectable people.

    This is apparent in Sierra Leone, where girls (usually between the ages of 12 and 18) attend schools to learn the art of being a wife. At these schools they learn secret codes to help them communicate with other married women, in order to ask advice about marriage. Before a wedding takes place among the Mande the elders of the village assemble with the bride to offer advice and bring gifts.

    This is obvious in Nigeria, where the family of the groom goes to the house of the bride to ask for her hand in marriage. Out of respect for the brides family, the family of the groom usually kneels when the enter into the house. The two families then go to opposite sides of the room, while the bride and groom go to the center (accompanied by a representative from both families). The representative from the groom’s family then presents gifts and a proposal letter to the bride’s family, which is responded to immediately. If the bride’s family accepts, then both families pray for a fruitful and happy marriage and the feast together.

    If an African selection process is adopted in our community. There wouldn't be any baby momma/daddy drama. Men in Africa view children as a treasure (a gift from God). An African man who takes care of his child is an expectation, not an exception. Also women in African are trained to value respectful/hardworking men, not pimp/playa types. Africans are trained about what to expect in relationship, and receive counsel when problems arise (they aren't encouraged to divorce at the 1st sign of trouble)! These unions are developed for longevity, not instant gratification! Our future lies with returning to our roots! :luvv:
     
  2. MrBlak

    MrBlak Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Interesting Pan.

    Only some elements could be brought over realistically, but taking some of those tradtions and mixing it with the reality of North American life would help for sure. People need to change their way of thinking mostly....you are right about the instant gratification thing!!
     
  3. MzBlkAngel

    MzBlkAngel Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I am in agreement with you that among African Americans the relationship selection is very poor…
    The morals are all wrong lack of respect for the family and way of living we have adopted and accepted the European meaning and view of what marriage should be…instead of being true to our self.....so relationships take on a different view….we have ppl marrying for the wrong reasons not the right reasons…. With a fight they ready to split up instead of working it out…lack of communication, respect and love is missing from a lot of these unions...

    To adopt an African Selection Process I see that being hard to do.....we have kids raising kids that aint been fully raised them self....I can see it now momma's fixin they daughters up with the drug dealer down the street so her crack be free...smh..but something needs to be done....

    ok...thas my 3 cent
    Peace
    Angel
     
  4. OldSoul

    OldSoul Permanent Black Man PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Outstanding Post!!!!

    Thank you Brother, for posting this information. The concept of the 'Process' is actually very beautiful and would, I believe, be much easier to do here than we think. The key is bringing the information forward, bringing the ideas forth, so we will have them in our collective consciousness, to work with. Asante Sana.
     
  5. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    This is true sister MBA, and it is exactly why an African Selection Process needs to be adopted in our community! Like brother OldSoul I also don't think adopting the African Selection Process to African American dating/mating choices would be difficult. It does involve changing our attitudes...admitting that we have a problem! We read articles daily about the problems in our marriages...in our children...in our relationships. This is a solution to that problem (a more practical solution than go get a white man/woman).

    The training that Africans receive when choosing who they want to be with is essential. Women in Africa are trained & focused on finding men who will be good husbands and providers. Under an African Selection Process neither mother nor daughter would be interested in said drug dealer. Indeed he would be a pariah in that society (although he still might exist). When we look at situations like child support, single mothers solely raising children....they all come back to one thing: Irresponsible Men. However although many of these men are irresponsible, the reality is most were never responsible to begin with! Therefore the ultimate problem is that women make poor choices in the men they choose (style over substance)!

    As much as some women complain publically about the pimp/playa/hustler...the truth is that many (most) are attracted to these types. If this was not the case, such a large number of playa type men would not exist. Men behave in ways that attract the attention of women! To behave in ways which turn women off is contrary to a man's nature! If a large amount of men in the African American community behave in irresponsible ways, it is because a large amount of women are attracted to that type of behavior!

    Again the African Selection Process would eliminate this. A playa doesn't make a good provider (what ever money he makes is temporary because he will end up in jail or dead), nor a good father. Therefore a woman would be trained to avoid him. Such a man would also be screen by the woman's family, and he certainly wouldn't pass the test! As a result of this criteria...there would not be a large amount of men behaving in this manner, because they know that they could not get a woman with it. This is a cause & effort pattern! The African Selection Process would make this cause & effort a positive one!
     
  6. MzBlkAngel

    MzBlkAngel Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I understand what you saying…but I still would say it is hard.

    Our thought process is European, to adopt a different way of thinking means a undo process deprogramming if I may say, we have folks that don’t read the newspaper let a lone have pick up a book since being out of school. So how would we install something that most of our ppl can care less about?Then what generation we start with? How do we get them to pick up a book read and article? How would this change be installed? We still got that same baby momma trying to mate her daughter with that drug dealer. The thing is if they not seeing the problem they not going to admit to it. When you talk on change you have to think of the folk’s attitudes about a change. I don’t want know one picking my mate..and I do believe most feel that way as well.

    The raising starts at home. The respect starts at home. The loving and support starts at home. We got kids raising kids in which they follow sometimes in how they were brought up. So if it was not a loving and respectful home then their home they provide for a child may not be loving….not trying to make this hard. So how they gone pick somebodies mate? When they aint got a clue of thier own. Want to understand how would this even be done...If it was gonna happen

    Peace
    Angel
     
  7. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think this process should be for those who need it. I do not think my mother knows what I need in a woman, nor does my father. However there are certain parents who have this ability, so I think for those who need these they should adopt it.
     
  8. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    The total inclusion of parents in the African Selection Process is meant to ensure the son/daughter is marrying a person of good character. It is also symbolic of the African view that a marriage is the joining of two families, not just two individuals. I have seen many times in African relationships where a woman can go to her in-laws to express concern over her husband's (their son's) behavior. The result is counseling from someone that the husband respects. The same occurs for a man who is having problems with his wife. The result is a lot of saved marriages.
     
  9. toylin

    toylin Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hmmph.. guesss I should have known my relationship was doomed when his mother didn't like me, huh? :)

    Beautiful thoughts.. now if we can make it reality in our community, it would be better! Yes, we spend too much time worried about instant gratification and not enough time worrying about the moment/"mourning" after. Like Brother Pan said in chat not too long ago, a man will act a certain way because a woman allows it. So, if we sisters join together and refuse to accept certian behaviors, perhaps brothers will have to change their attitutdes or kiss the sisters good-bye. But it doesn't stop there. We women have to unlearn all the behaviors that this twisted Western society had taught us.
     
  10. MrBlak

    MrBlak Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    These are 2 VERY important points to note!
     
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