Black Jokes Humor : Texas Chili Contest

Discussion in 'Black Jokes Humor' started by MississippiRed, May 2, 2006.

  1. MississippiRed

    MississippiRed Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Aight yall I might as well put a jokey joke down here....it has the word ish in it in a few places and i know it'll be wiped out but you have to read it in as you go..this is honestly one of the funniest things I've ever read...enjoy..


    Texas Chili Contest

    Note: Please take time to read this
    slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
    the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in
    Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off
    about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
    parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced
    Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
    happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
    to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
    other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
    spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
    tasting, so I accepted".

    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
    remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
    flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    CHILI # 2 - JERRYS AFTERBURNER CHILI...
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
    I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
    when they saw the look on my face.

    CHILI # 3 - HANKS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI..
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
    me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
    backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from
    all of the beer.

    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
    to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
    beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
    is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
    chili an aphrodisiac?

    CHILI # 5 SANDIES LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
    admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
    can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
    chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
    pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
    lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
    screaming. Screw those rednecks.

    CHILI # 6 - JOHNS VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    garlic. Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
    eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
    that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a
    snow cone.

    CHILI # 7 -PATS SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
    about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
    uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
    like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
    slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
    shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
    decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
    any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
    4-inch hole in my stomach.

    CHILI # 8 - RANDYS TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
    bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
    nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
    passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
    Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
    reacted to really hot chili?
    Judge # 3 - No Report
    __________________



    MississippiRed
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    Frank only wanted some beer but got one hot spicy venture....lol
    doing anything to get free beer can be a real burnner to the guts .
     
  3. MississippiRed

    MississippiRed Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hey Rich I been in that situation and would probably done the same........some of my most memorable nights started off with the phrase....Hey lil man I'll buy you and ya boys some dranks if .............from that point on ...Red is sho to sho his arse...


    MississippiRed
     
  4. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    I think we all at some point cross this hot road
    but that hot chilli whewwwww! i didn't want his spot as judge ....lol
     
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