Black Relationships : Talking to a lot of oppostie sex friends if you are in a relationship

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by legit-writer, Dec 5, 2011.

  1. legit-writer

    legit-writer Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    "when in a relationship it just that you and the person you are in a relationship with; no outsiders whatsoever. That means you cutting off all opposite sex connections just to eliminate the what if factor"

    Do you agree with this concept or do you disagree and why?
     
  2. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    I think it's a bit extreme and nonsensical ... for the "what if" you think you're eliminating ... will still and forever exist.

    Love You!

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  3. Hildegard von Krone

    Hildegard von Krone Banned MEMBER

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    But that leaves little room for trust in my opinion so I disagree. Whoever wrote that statement probably got cheat and now suffers from trust problems. Also, when you limit your partner in such a way, it can be very suffocating.

    Nobody likes a control freak!
     
  4. Asomfwaa

    Asomfwaa Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    In Occidental society, sure. When you are only in a relationship for fun--then of course you can not expect a relationship that can weather 'more fun' storms.

    However, in our Original tradition, when our relationships are out of love--we can have as many friends as whatever.

    I fall back to Ibn Battuta's observations of West Africa from “Ibn Battuta in Black Africa” as written by Said Hamdun and Noel King:

    “My stay at Iwalatan lasted about fifty days; and I was shown honour and entertained by its inhabitants. It is an excessively hot place, and boasts a few small date-palms, in the shade of which they sow watermelons. Its water comes from underground waterbeds at that point, and there is plenty of mutton to be had. The garments of its inhabitants, most of whom belong to the Massufa tribe, are of fine Egyptian fabrics.

    Their women are of surpassing beauty, and are shown more respect than the men. The state of affairs amongst these people is indeed extraordinary. Their men show no signs of jealousy whatever; no one claims descent from his father, but on the contrary from his mother’s brother. A person’s heirs are his sister’s sons, not his own sons. This is a thing which I have seen nowhere in the world except among the Indians of Malabar. But those are heathens; these people are Muslims, punctilious in observing the hours of prayer, studying books of law, and memorizing the Koran. Yet their women show no bashfulness before men and do not veil themselves, though they are assiduous in attending the prayers. Any man who wishes to marry one of them may do so, but they do not travel with their husbands, and even if one desired to do so her family would not allow her to go.
    The women there have “friends” and “companions” amongst the men outside their own families, and the men in the same way have “companions” amongst the women of other families. A man may go into his house and find his wife entertaining her “companion” but he takes no objection to it. One day at Iwalatan I went into the qadi’s house, after asking his permission to enter, and found with him a young woman of remarkable beauty. When I saw her I was shocked and turned to go out, but she laughed at me, instead of being overcome by shame, and the qadi said to me “Why are you going out? She is my companion.” I was amazed at their conduct, for he was a theologian and a pilgrim [to Mecca] to boot. I was told that he had asked the sultan’s permission to make the pilgrimage that year with his “companion”–whether this one or not I cannot say–but the sultan would not grant it.
    . . .
    One day I visited Abu Muhammad Yandakan, a man of the Massufa tribe. I found him sitting on a mat, and in the middle of his house was a bed with a canopy. On it was a woman and with her a man, and the two were having a conversation. I said to him: “Who is this woman?” He replied: “She is my wife.” I said: “What is the relationship of the man to her?” He replied: “He is her friend.” I said: “Do you accept this, after you have lived in our country and known the matters of the Holy Law?”
    He said to me: “Women’s companionship with men in our country is honorable and takes place in a good way; there is no suspicion about it. They are not like the women in your
    country.”
    I was astonished at his thoughtless answer and I went away from him and did not visit him after this. Though he invited me many times, I did not respond.”
     
  5. skuderjaymes

    skuderjaymes Contextualizer Synthesizer MEMBER

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    thank you for sharing that.. It's always interesting to learn how other societies handle these same dynamics.. it would be even more interesting to find out how those customs developed through their history...

    on a sidenote.. let me ask you... What was thoughtless about his comments? If you really take a look at it, he should actually be the one that was offended by your implication of their being any dishonor between his wife and her male friend. His response appears to me to be a mature, thoughtful rebuttal to your implied statement. He was even gracious enough to relate his comments to american women in general, even though your implied comments were specifically aimed at his own wife.
     
  6. Asomfwaa

    Asomfwaa Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hotep Brother skuderjaymes,

    I can attempt to answer the question, but I must first repeat that, that is an account of Ibn Battuta. Unfortunately, from where I quoted, I neglected to include his biography: He is a 14th Century Muslim Berber traveler. In other words, I am unsure if you are asking me that question confident that I made Ibn Battuta's statement, or if you are asking me the question so to ask me to answer for Ibn Battuta. Though, I must admit, that though I can attempt to answer these questions, I do not expect myself more qualified than you to answer: my education hardly prepared me to answer a question for a Berber Muslim in West Africa on mannerisms from seven-hundred years ago. ;-)

    Either way, I agree with you about learning of the development in history. But you know--our records were erased. Woe to our race. :-( For what it's worth, Original (African) cultures were, according to Diop, peculiarly loving toward their women, so 'female companionship' shouldn't be anything peculiar therein.
     
  7. skuderjaymes

    skuderjaymes Contextualizer Synthesizer MEMBER

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    lol.. wow.. how did I miss that.. I think I started reading at the "surpassing beauty" part..

    I think quite a bit about our history being erased.. but I always come back to the idea that what we are is somehow inside of us.. and that if we can find a way to push the things being thrust at us off, that we will once again be able to reconnect with our true selves.. I need to create a thread about that.. don't want to take this one too far from it's premise..
     
  8. rapunzal24

    rapunzal24 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I don't mind outsiders, but you have to show some respect. If I am with a man, and you are a female friend of his, you don't have to kiss my butt, but I know we will meet up someday and when we do.... acknowledge that I am here. I can't count how many times I have seen women make this mistake. They walk up to the man, give a hug and look at the woman and say hi, and then they ignore the woman for the rest of the night as if she doesn't exist. Then, she is talking to the man all night, not because she wants him, but because they have a close friendship, and she feels comfortable with him. While the other woman begins to want to eliminate the what if factor. It is all about how you handle the situation, if everyone in the situation is mature.
     
  9. info-moetry

    info-moetry STAFF STAFF

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    - I'm kinda borderline on this one. A female can have cool male friends, but as soon as those friends see that she is getting serious with someone outside of their circle, they tend to try and get 'extra' friendly. It may be perceived by the female, as 'oh he's just playing that's my friend'. So it will take her time to see that that friend is purposely trying to do things that she may miss because she only considers him a friend but the guy will notice that the friend is actually being un-friendly towards him out of jealousy or whatever and that could be a problem.

    Now a guy with lots of female friends is either called a 'homo' or a 'player' where i'm from. Fellas just don't keep a lot of female friends around because they enjoy going shoe shopping, or attending tea parties. I know a lot of females because of my sisters and they started off as their friends and in turn became mine and some i even consider sister like and if i bring a female around them that's the first thing they will tell them before she even get's to ask me any questions about why these females are so friendly to me....

    lol - i remember my sons mother getting upset because we were at a birthday party in the rec. room of my building i had the nerve to sit next to a woman and laugh and joke with her and she later asked me did i used to talk to her because she 'looked like' someone i would date. Sometime later on while we were on line to eat, she over heard my female cousin (the one i was sitting with) and her husband talking and still never apologized for not believing me......

    So it's not even just friends, some of us will get uptight if the person they are seeing has and is close with too much of the opposite sex in their own families. lol
     
  10. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    communication and honesty are the keys...
    if u don't have that in a relationship then it doesn't matter how many friends he/she have...
    it wont work...
    if u have that with someone then it shouldn't matter as long as boundaries are set....
    but u have to communicate and be honest with ur mate to get to that point....

    cause at the end of the day...if u go looking for dirt...ur more than likely find some....thas just being real

    one love
    khasm
     
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