Poetry Critiques : Taking time to grieve

asimplepoet

Well-Known Member
REGISTERED MEMBER
Mar 13, 2006
1,261
204
Somewhere between paradise and diaster
Occupation
Teacher
I posted this in the other room but I don't really like it the way it is and I want some ideas on how to make it better

At last, the sun is taking its nightly reprieve
And I can now take time to really, truly grieve
All of the well-wishers have finally gone home
Sitting here by myself, my mind begins to roam
I can recall the exact moment I laid eyes on you
And you made my heart skip a beat and begin anew
And then you climbed in a took a seat inside my heart
Shortly after, we made the promise till death due us apart
But I never knew that death was waiting on the next page
That even on that very day, death had already set the stage
This would be easier if old mother nature had taken it course
Or even if your killer had shown just an ounce or so of remorse
You went out to the corner store to get me some strawberry pop
And the next thing I know I was opening my door to a strange cop
The officer said "Excuse me mam, but I am looking for a Mrs. Jones"
I said "I was she" and the look in his eye sent chills through my bones
I can't tell you his exact word but they ended with your husband is dead
And all I could think was I didn't get to tell you that I'm carrying your seed
Why did you have to play the hero when they tried to rob the store
Why didn't you act like you didn't see and walk back out the door
I take it back I know the answers to the questions I pose to thee
You had to try for that is the man of integrity you were raised to be


So as the sun is taking its nightly reprieve
I sit back and take time to really, truly grieve
 

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