Poetry Critiques : Taking time to grieve

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by asimplepoet, Jul 3, 2006.

  1. asimplepoet

    asimplepoet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I posted this in the other room but I don't really like it the way it is and I want some ideas on how to make it better

    At last, the sun is taking its nightly reprieve
    And I can now take time to really, truly grieve
    All of the well-wishers have finally gone home
    Sitting here by myself, my mind begins to roam
    I can recall the exact moment I laid eyes on you
    And you made my heart skip a beat and begin anew
    And then you climbed in a took a seat inside my heart
    Shortly after, we made the promise till death due us apart
    But I never knew that death was waiting on the next page
    That even on that very day, death had already set the stage
    This would be easier if old mother nature had taken it course
    Or even if your killer had shown just an ounce or so of remorse
    You went out to the corner store to get me some strawberry pop
    And the next thing I know I was opening my door to a strange cop
    The officer said "Excuse me mam, but I am looking for a Mrs. Jones"
    I said "I was she" and the look in his eye sent chills through my bones
    I can't tell you his exact word but they ended with your husband is dead
    And all I could think was I didn't get to tell you that I'm carrying your seed
    Why did you have to play the hero when they tried to rob the store
    Why didn't you act like you didn't see and walk back out the door
    I take it back I know the answers to the questions I pose to thee
    You had to try for that is the man of integrity you were raised to be


    So as the sun is taking its nightly reprieve
    I sit back and take time to really, truly grieve
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    Drop it in some stanza , shorten it
    i saw a few spots where you can
    express the same thing with less words will make it stronger
    but this was a very nice poem as is .
     
  3. Remby

    Remby Administrator STAFF

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    Wow, what a touching peice of work. I'm no poet, but I am moved by this. My sister please do take the time you need to grieve, because this will help you to heal. God bless you.:wave:

    Remby
     
  4. phenomenalwoman

    phenomenalwoman Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I can' t pretend to know what your feeling, and I can't pretend that I know you, so I won't even try. I know that my feelings don't always come out in rhyme although they can at times, but I just think it could be more raw without so much rhyme. Are you feelings really that polished?
     
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