Black People : Still Waters Run Deep

Discussion in 'Black People Open Forum' started by river, Jan 30, 2009.

  1. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    Hey Fambly,

    I have never felt free to share this much of myself as I am about to do. But I feel the need to do it and I feel the Destee fambly is a safe place to do it. Only one other person has read this and he encouraged me to share it with you.

    I tell this story not to make anyone feel sorry for me but to speak for those who like myself as a child could not speak for themselves and also to heal. I have made a tremendous effort to remain sane and have done a lot better than most would or could in my shoes, but there is still some pain and anger right under the surface. Brotha Oldsoul has taught me a lot about the law of attraction and the subconscious yet sometimes controlling my mind is so hard. The landmarks in my life are marks that a dagger might leave. It is not easy for me to talk about what I have experienced in school because when I do find a friend they are so precious that I do not want to dump on them. But I think talking about it might help release the feelings and memories.

    As parents, teachers and those who interact with kids in your neighborhood this is what I want you to get out of my story. I want you to be sure to keep a close watch on what your child's teachers write in your child's records. Pay closer attention and ask questions if you notice a difference between the child the teacher sees and the child you see--the way your child gets along with kids they meet over the summer and the way he/she gets along with kids at school. Don't just believe everything the teachers say about your child then give the child warnings without talking to the child and sharing what the teachers say so the child can answer for his/herself.

    It was very hard for me growing up in public school with a hidden yet progressive hearing loss. Because there was so much I could hear I was not aware that there were things I was not hearing. By the time it progressed to the point of notice ability at age twelve my hearing impairment was not seen for what it was, a disability, but as just another manifestation of my stupidity and not having any common sense. “You can‘t hear that? You dumb.” “You just let people talk about you and don‘t take up for yourself so you deserve to be talked about.”

    As I look back at the strange things people said to me and the way they reacted to me I see what happened. In the first grade I befriended a little girl who pretended to be my friend and walked me home from school one day 'When we got to my porch she kicked me down and stole my mother's hat and ran off. I was too shocked to act at the time but the next day when I arrived on the playground there was only one thing on my mind: seek and destroy. This was before I learned to be afraid. This was before I learned that I would always be the bad guy, always the one sent out of the room while the teacher told the class what to do about me. When she saw me she started running. I chased her and started punching her for all I was worth. A teacher pulled us into a store room and whipped both of us. I know what happened after that. Although at the time I did not know and for years would not know I have seen it happen over and over. "Iowno why she was trying to fight me. I was just playing when she came on the playground and started chasing me." So without asking me what happened the teacher writes down in my record that I liked to fight. My family moved a lot and I went to six different elementary schools so I never had a chance to be known for who I am rather than what was written about me. I never understood why kids I met over the summer turned against me when school started. "Oh that's thast girl." "She better not mess with mee." " She's eassy to beat up" I'd hear but I never heard the context in which these things were said. I was too young to know that things are supposed to have a context. So I never looked for one. I never understood why an atmosphere of rejection greeted me whenever I entered a room.

    I never came to see teachers and authority figures as my protectors though I wished and wanted them to be. They laughed when kids beat me up. My mother, not believing that I was being picked on but warning me to stop trying to be big and bad, told me to tell the teacher when kids tried to fight me. so one day in the third grade when a boy and some other kids were harassing me on the way home I went back and told a teacher. she said "Don't tell me about it. These kids take up for each other around here." I did not understand why she was saying this. All I knew was she was not going to protect me. All I knew was what my mother had told me was wrong.

    I did not understand what was happening but I had been told that bad people never understand why people don't like them. bad people always think no one understands them. So am I bad. I was told that if I would act right things would go right for me. I didn't know what act right is. I was in a city that was 87 percent Black and I was being treated by my own like I was the Black man's ******, someone who could be mistreated with impunity and blamed for everything. It is unimaginable to walk around with a label, to be told by everyone everywhere over and over you are dumb, you are stupid, you lack common sense, we don't like you, nobody likes you and then be expected to figure out what it means to act right. "Why7 don't you act like so and so?" But you hate me which means so and so must hate me to if they are liked by someone who hates me so why should I act like someone who hates me?

    I finally did figure it out after forty years, after twelve years of a silent world, six years of a blurry world that forced me to look inside myself and discover who I am apart from the nasty remarks and bad opinions of others.

    I have only shared a part of my story with you. sometimes I think about if I could go back to those people and let them see who I really am but one thing they always said to me "We don't care." How can I expect to find healing trying to placate people who don't care? But you guys here at Destee have been an anchor for me. I had come to expect rejection. I had come to expect that anyone who started out liking me would eventually hate me once they realized what a bad person I am. But in my introspection I have come to realize that I am in control of my reputation but only if I take control and not leave it to others. I see that the most important thing is that I not give up on myself I can blame the world for doing me wrong and lay claim to my right to be miserable or I can realize that people are people and I am no different. I am part of the universe. I gossip. I talk about what others do wrong. I laugh at stupidity. But in the midnight hour I wonder how then can I be bitter at the people who laughed at me? Shall I not forgive them as I forgive myself? Ma'at will not allow me to hold them guilty and hold myself innocent. In this realization is a much needed release and the ability to be truly happy.

    Now for you my fambly, remember what I said. don't let your child spend forty years in confusion and pain. Talk to your child's teachers. talk to (not at) your child. and listen.
     
  2. OnTyme

    OnTyme Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I am so so sorry to hear you went through that. I honestly felt like crying at some of the parts. my mom took me out of school for some of the very reasons your discussing these school teachers are a piece of work. they are quick to diagnose children with learning disabilities, ADHD, and all kinds of problems. if only they knew I have seen real ADHD, they don't even want to know what the real thing actually is.

    little kids can be some of the cruelest monsters out there as well, they don't have the sensibilities to resist their hatred like adults do. kids act on their emotions immediately and don't shade them in the least.

    a little child is jealous, they will hurt you if they can.
    a little child is scared, they show it.
    hurt, they show it...you always know which child is being neglected or abused.
    teasing and all of the other stuff kids do, adults continue..they are just better at hiding the Herd mind and mentality. One thing you should be thankful for is being on the outside..you have more insight, your smarter, and better than the whole lot of them. I am sure your an excellent mother.


    thank you for sharing about yourself, i think it is important, would love to hear more.
     
  3. queentswana

    queentswana Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Sister River,
    You have always been an Outstanding person, a truly amazing Wonder of this world!! :bowdown:
    luv you
     
  4. Jahari Kavi

    Jahari Kavi Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    thank u for sharing your story river, it takes guts to share your feelings with other....I agree with you though teachers can make significant long time impact on a childs life.........I don't think I shook the "I'm slower than the other kids" thing until I was out of highschool. It all stemmed from Kindergarden when my teacher thought I belonged in a special ed class..............
     
  5. OnTyme

    OnTyme Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    your not they were lying to you, as they do to most black children. they do it over and over, what they do is toy with your confidence and then learning becomes harder. You can't know why they do it, these teachers were taught something right in Psychology classes, I myself had to sit through one of these "classes"...I got up walked out and never attended another lecture until exam day when I heard it. This is why they do it...and it started in Canada of all places, so you can guess why my mom snatched me out of school. these teachers are classically conditioned (pavlov's dog) to have a certain reaction to certain races of people...Blacks.. do they react to Indians and Chinese the same NOPE...this may surprise you but this is a regular part of the curriculum in Canada I know for sure, as well as many schools in the US, these professors protest and say oh Dr.Rushton is a lunatic, but they love him...trust me on that one. I am only ashamed to say this quack is a Canadian.
    http://danny.oz.au/communities/anthro-l/debates/race-iq/...

    Here is a bit of info on Dr. Phil Rushton
    http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=15560402
     
  6. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    I applaud your parents for taking you out of that hideous diseducational system.

    Brotha Jahari you know you are among the brothas here who from the beginning has stood out as someone I admire. And we have what 20 thousand members.

    And Queen, we go back for years.

    The school system is the school system and peaople are people and they will do what they will do. So we have to take charge for our children until they r old enough to take charge for themselves. Even Einstein was labeled an idiot in school. A 486 Micarosoft DOS is faster than a pennnum because it doesn't have that much to think about.

    Children think the world is a friendly place. They think adults are supposed to love them. It is shattering when they realize this isn't so. Will we be there for them when that realization comes?
     
  7. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    I was adding some thoughts to this piece about how my mother would ask me can everybody be wrong and I wondered how any African in America who grew up under jim crow could ask such a question and I swear to God so help me I am not lying but Nina Simone started singing "Oh Jim Crow" on my windows media playlist at the very moment I was writing that sentence. I have over two hundred songs on my playlist and it is configured to play shuffled so I have no idea which song will play next. Now I don't know about you but I'm not a big believer in coincidence.

    I don't know what it means. Maybe it's just the spirits letting me know they are there and they are with me. And sometimes that is all I need to know.
     
  8. LindaChavis

    LindaChavis Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    River

    That was powerful and I went through something simalr. That is why when my grandkids had trouble in school, I stopped-will still go but they seem to be doing fine (making note to do a "pop" visit soon) and sit in the room to see what is going on. My grandson now 11, was in the 2nd grade and in PEAK..a time out program every 15 mins. It was ridiculous. He had NEVER been in trouble (and has not since) so I went to the classroom to see what in the world. WELL I found a white old teacher with 25 bad kids and my grandson who was trying to get along who was the one she "used" as an example. If he retaliated against one of the bad kids in the room, she only sent him out. After I started showing up more she seemed to stop but she did NOT have a handle on the room. He is now in the 6th grade and every class he has been in, the teachers love him because he is a sponge. But that is what your saying, you have to go to school and see about these kids. I was the Director of a after school program for 5 years and the teachers talked to me about the kids in the program as if I was the parent because I was there more than the parents.
    Im sorry you went through that and we should discuss in women chat soon.
     
  9. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    Hey Linda! Always love to see your name.

    Yes, I wonder if there could be a parent's union. Everybody else has a union. It should be about information and support not necessarily painting the teachers as the bad guys because a lot of times they are just going by what they've been told. Like in my case the teachers were responding to what was written in my record. I still don't know what was in my record but I remember when I went to a new school in the sixth grade the teacher stood up in front of the class, looked at me and said "I hate that girl." I don't remember anything else he taught all year. There's nothing else you can say to a person after you say that.

    And yes we can talk about it in woman's chat although it is not strictly a women's issue.
     
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