Poetry Critiques : Still bound

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by lexuslady, Feb 20, 2005.

  1. lexuslady

    lexuslady Member MEMBER

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    my brothas and sistas
    the time is near
    the time is here
    to lend an ear to hear

    what i'm sayin,
    for back in the day
    our people were slain
    and we lived as slaves

    we wanted to be free
    strived for unity
    to be all we could be
    given the opportunity

    look at us now
    bringing each other down
    keeping ourselves bound
    do we dare ask how?

    from our hands we kill
    from our people we steal
    to our children we deal
    just to get a meal

    this isn't right
    seems we gave up the fight
    we need to unite
    and follow God's light

    so.....
    my brothas and sistas
    the time is near
    the time is here
    to lend a ear to hear..........
     
  2. phenomenalwoman

    phenomenalwoman Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    This two lines for me dont mesh well when I read it. something about the here ear hear. other than that I think this is a solid piece. Good work!
     
  3. lexuslady

    lexuslady Member MEMBER

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    Thanks........I wrote this peice when I couldn't sleep one night. I guess my mind alot wanders about things like this. I truly wish that we could come together and love one another the way God intended us to.
     
  4. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hear, Hear

    These words of truth ((ring)) true. The truth is the light. Darknes and light cannot coexist. Don't tamper with the gospel truth Ruth!

    :fyi:
     
  5. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    i have to agree with pwoman on her assesment....

    the time is here
    to lend an ear to hear


    ok...the time is here is fine...but the last line would have been fine if you just said...to lend and ear...the to hear part just sounds repeative....

    now as to the conclusion...in my eyes, eevery poem sould have a conclusion that prompts the reader the sit and think about the body of work...i have a question concerning your poem...who should we lend a ear to?...is it you or is it someone else...this point does not come thru clear throughout the body of the poem...i think that this is a great piece with potential...you just need to clear up some of the ambiguity that i just mention.....thanks for putting this piece over here poet...

    one love
    khasm
     
  6. lexuslady

    lexuslady Member MEMBER

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    "brothas and sistas the time is here
    to lend an ear to hear...."


    Well, as you know both here and hear have different meanings, so it can't be repetitive, it's 2 different words. "to hear....."The next lines reads."what I'm sayin for back in the day when our people were slain and we lived as slaves........."So basically i want my brothas and sistas to know that the time is near, and it' here to lend an ear to hear what I'm sayin!

    Thanks, if you can think of a better way to write this please help me out. :confused:
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    I too fine these lines with different meanings yet read in a mix up
    Here and hear it takes away from the poem perhaps if you rewrite
    that line differently to collab ..... let's say like this.

    the time is near
    the time is here
    to lend an ear

    and drop the hear and it will express the meanings to hear or listen when you
    say to lend an EAR

    this all i can see need a change to end a great poem to closure....
     
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