Black Poetry : Stiff Wit it

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by rhymebad, Jan 22, 2007.

  1. rhymebad

    rhymebad Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Stiff Wit it

    Being on the disaster path as a thug is like the aftermath
    Of a flood you wreck junk and correct punks give them a bath
    In rain water just plain slaughter and drown like Katrinia
    In the arena of New Orlean rowing on a river like IKE AND TINA
    I rose to fame right now my head expose to rain need a cap
    Before I proceed to rap or pass and umbrella to this fella perhaps
    Praise the divine blaze brains with rhymes then drink aged wines
    Get drunk then rap wet crunk like Lil John stuff amazed minds
    Throw a dense blend against the wind and my tones
    Are blown to domes and through homes increasing lovejones
    Rumbled with busters in jumbled clusters had to run for my life
    They pull a gun or a knife neighter one nice lead fly heads die twice
    My heart explicit like an art exhibit show pictures while I flow
    Scriptures no mixtures of false wording so my style do glow
    Even a wild crew know this exist they read an go loco
    Dang so much uneducated trash it aggravate my rash leave
    It itching need calmine lotion and a rhyme potion and squeeze
    These pimples, my profession is tight but there’s aggression on
    My rights have questions at night to the priest like why its wrong
    To say The true beast is the computer? And some knew it all along
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    yes indeed the beast is within da system ....tyte joint fo real
     
  3. Defiantson

    Defiantson Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Respect fam... sounds more like your an emcee then a poet but then RAP means Rhythem And Poetry... Keep it flowing fam....

    Are you open to constructive critizem?

    Mannie
    www.myspace.com/defiantson
     
  4. rhymebad

    rhymebad Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    defiantson bring on the constructive criticism i'm here
     
  5. Defiantson

    Defiantson Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thats whats good....

    You got good points however they could be stronger if you get rid of some of the other words that take away from your already strong words such as the words The And and other words such as that.

    Also, break down your rythem. Each poem or rhyme has its own voice. Write it like you say it. Then go back and take out unneccessary words that take away from your strong words.

    Next, stanza's, yes they are important it lets others read your work the way you want them to hear it.
    Such as:

    Being on the disaster path
    as a thug
    is like the aftermath
    Of a flood you wreck
    junk and correct punks
    give them a bath

    In rain water
    just plain slaughter
    and drown like Katrinia
    In the arena of New Orlean
    rowing on a river
    like IKE AND TINA

    see what I mean... Not only does it add to your verses but it makes them stand out. When I was talking about taking out the ands and the words it would look like this.

    Being on disaster path
    as a thug
    is like aftermath
    Of a flood you wreck
    junk, correct punks
    give them a bath

    In rain water
    just plain slaughter
    drowning like Katrinia
    In arenas of New Orlean
    rowing on a river
    like IKE AND TINA

    Can you see the difference? I am not trying to say I am better or anything all I am saying is that you are a great writer who can be better if you use more tools. Dude your ish is bananas trust that. Sorry if I offend you in anyways I just see you writing a lot better then this....

    Peace and blessings...

    Mannie
    www.myspace.com/defiantson
     
  6. rhymebad

    rhymebad Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    DEFIANTON THANKS FOR THE CRITS FOR REAL i'LL TRY THAT BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING TO LOOSE
     
  7. robboy2003

    robboy2003 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    rhymebad, I feel your mental here,which is very good. Give it to us straight like defiantson said.

    Perhaps, space your rhymes down a little to okay. You got alot to say,and you want people to feel all of you so break it down,so it's easier for us to follow.

    Peace and Harmony!
     
  8. Defiantson

    Defiantson Well-Known Member MEMBER

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  9. rhymebad

    rhymebad Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    yeah I guess some of us will never have it
     
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