Black Parenting : Step-parenting ~What are your rights?

Discussion in 'Black Parenting' started by Kitana, Apr 17, 2003.

  1. Kitana

    Kitana Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2001
    Messages:
    1,312
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    under the sun
    Ratings:
    +7
    Lately I seem to be reading/hearing a lot about the issue of being a step-parent..

    Many people express many different views on what the rights of the step-parent are in relation to the children involved in the situation...

    After hearing so many different opinions on the subject some questions came to mind..

    What are the rights of a step-parent?

    If the step-parent enters a child's life at any early age can he/she expect to have a key role in that child's life?

    Should the step-parent step aside and let the bilogical parent , even though he/she does not live in the household, have full control?

    Should the step-parent be able to have equal control and input along with the child's biological parent (absent)?

    If the step-parent supports the household including that child/children does this make a difference to his/her role, if the child is supported/not supported by the absent parent?

    Does the step-parent have the right to discipline the child/children as he/she sees fit to do so...

    Does the step-parent have the right to be called/looked upon as a mother/father figure?

    What do you think?

    K
     
  2. Regina

    Regina Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2002
    Messages:
    324
    Likes Received:
    2
    Occupation:
    Engineer
    Location:
    Metro Atlanta
    Ratings:
    +2
    My thoughts on Step-parents...

    Good topic! Especially with the high divorce rate...

    ====================================

    What are the rights of a step-parent?

    Most step-parents only have the rights that are given to them by the biological parent to which he/she is married. In some parenting plans of divorces, what a step-parent can and can't do is spelled out in the document. Most step-parents have the right to carry the child to and from school and activities and medical appointments. They are limited in the respect they can't authorize medical treatment and surgeries. If the step-parent legally adopts the child, then he/she has all the rights of a biological parent. With so many children born out of wedlock, fathers don't have rights to their children. They have to petition the courts for parental rights.

    If the step-parent enters a child's life at any early age can he/she expect to have a key role in that child's life?

    Yes, the younger the child, the more a key role the step-parent plays in his/her life. The step-parent is also a nurturer and a caregiver. They play an important role in the child's development. Children, especially now, need as many people as possible to help raise them. My step-father, who I always called "Daddy”, came into my life at age three. He was a wonderful Dad and role model. I was truly blessed to have him in my life. My daddy and my father became friends. I have a great relationship with my father also. My step-mother was wonderful and took good care of me whenever I visited my father. In fact, my mother and my step-mother still stay in touch even though my step-mother divorced my father. When my step-father died, my father's entire family was at the funeral. We had become a blended family.

    Should the step-parent step aside and let the biological parent, even though he/she does not live in the household, have full control?

    The step-parent should not feel as though he/she has no rights in their own household. The rules of the home should be followed. There are times when the biological parent will take precedent and those should be discussed among the parties in a mature manner.

    Should the step-parent be able to have equal control and input along with the child's biological parent (absent)?

    The step-parents input can be very valuable. He/She might observe things during their time with the child that others may miss, such as an allergy to a food, or the child needs vision correction. The adults must be mature and work to put the child's need above their personal feelings for each other.

    If the step-parent supports the household including that child/children does this make a difference to his/her role, if the child is supported/not supported by the absent parent?

    Most step-parents support the household their household. Even if a child is supported or not supported by the absent parent, the relationship of the biological parent must still be respected.

    Does the step-parent have the right to discipline the child/children as he/she sees fit to do so...

    It depends on the relationship between the biological parents and the step-parent(s). It depends on the age of the child. My step-father disciplined me because he was my dad in all respects. Some people feel step-parents should draw the line at corporate punishment and only the biological parents should have the right to discipline children in this manner. Children must know rules are to be followed and if not, there will be consequences. The spouses should agree on an effective punishment. When a child learns he/she can play the adults against each other, control is completely lost.

    Does the step-parent have the right to be called/looked upon as a mother/father figure?

    Yes, they do have the right if they have earned the right. There is a fine line if the biological parent of the same gender is still in the child's life. The step-parent must show and explain they are not trying to push the biological parent out of the child's life nor trying to replace the biological parent. A child should never be forced to call a step-parent Mom or Dad unless they want to do so and if it doesn't cause animosity. Sometimes a suitable substitute name is best.

    You must understand in most relationships that have ended, there are still hard feelings. The feelings are magnified when a new person comes into their ex's life. I am of the accord a child should not be brought into "Grown Folks Business" nor made to suffer because of it. The love for a child and their well-being should be put before any bad feelings for an ex.
     
  3. Kitana

    Kitana Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2001
    Messages:
    1,312
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    under the sun
    Ratings:
    +7
    Regina

    thanks for your reply to all my questions..

    you've covered the subject quite extensively and I find your information interesting....to look at it from a legal satndpoint makes it seem like more of a contract to me instead of a meshing between extended families...the arrangement you speak of your family having seems to be a very workable solution to step-parenting and step-families while providing a loving environment for the child/children involved....

    I guess like with everything you have to find a situation which works best for you and your family, but I think in a lot of these instances, the adults seem to forget about the some of the main characters in the equation..the children....

    I personally know of many of these types of family situations, and not one seems to work smoothly, there is always some confliction between the adults...

    some of the problems I've been witness to are the bilogical parent not wanting the step-parent to discipline the child/children, requesting the step-parent be called by their first name by the child, not a name of any endearment, not wanting the step-parent to have any control over the child/children in any way, but on the other hand, expecting the step-parent to provide a stable home and in a lot of cases support the child/children as well..

    in one instance the woman involved told her new husband she did not expect him to be a father figure to her son from a previous relationship, and now years later is bitter because sadly, the two do not have a workable realtionship at all....

    it seems to me that adults should realise, when they enter into these types of relationships, they have to seriously look at the well-being of the children involved and maybe even sit down with any ex's of their partners and discuss what limits and expectations will be put on the realtionship between everyone concerned...it seems for a majority of these arrangements, people enter into them without giving serious thought to what really is required to make it an enjoyable, loving experience for all...

    K
     
  4. j'hiah

    j'hiah Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2001
    Messages:
    3,429
    Likes Received:
    67
    Location:
    lend me some sugar.. l am your neighbor
    Ratings:
    +70
    if l were in that "step-relationship" situation where l had a child, l would arrange a meeting for the child's sake... and for the sake of peace....

    l would have no say in how a man is to establish the rules of his house.
    l would want as much peace with the step-father as possible knowing that he will spend lots of time and space with my son/daughter.

    Yes, teach her, educate her even to the point where he may be seen (or even called "dad")
    BUT, lay not a finger on my seed :nono: touch her, you suffer in all ways. l will make that clear.

    a whipping, or spanking (however you call it) will not be tolerated by the step-father whatsoever, even if my child burned down the whole house on a winter day ( l know it's crazy... :D)

    l'm surprised that a lot of "bios" allow step-parents to physically discipline their own children, like that has more of a positive effect/outcome than a negative one :nono:

    anyway, all is peace, as long as no harmful advances are made.
     
  5. Regina

    Regina Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2002
    Messages:
    324
    Likes Received:
    2
    Occupation:
    Engineer
    Location:
    Metro Atlanta
    Ratings:
    +2
    We become family... sometimes by blood, sometimes by marriage. It can be wonderful if the adults are mature.

    My Mom told me something years ago about why my Dad, my father and our families were able to get along with each other. She said, "People will do amazing things for the love and well-being of a child. The love will always be there for one another, it just manifests into a different kind of love, one that wishes the other happiness even when they are no longer partners. A parent's love for their child must be stronger than any bad feelings they may feel for someone else." She also told me, "If I hated your father, I would hate you. You are a part of him and a part of me." My Dad told me he knew Mom and I were a package deal and he wanted to be my Dad. My father told me he loved and respected the man who helped raise his child.

    It can work...I have seen it with my family and with other families. It is only when a party seeks revenge and is still full of hurt and hate that it doesn't.

    The children hurt in the end...they are the victims.
     
  6. Kitana

    Kitana Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2001
    Messages:
    1,312
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    under the sun
    Ratings:
    +7
    J'hiah..

    I totally agree with your views...

    How to discipline a child could be a bone of contention between a parent and step-parent especially when their views differ....

    my mother was of the belief that you did not raise your voice to a child, you did not spank or hit a child, and you always made sure punishments weren't made in anger, they had to be reasonable...and she raised 9 children on these beliefs...it's all about love!!

    K
     
  7. Kitana

    Kitana Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2001
    Messages:
    1,312
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    under the sun
    Ratings:
    +7
    Regina

    if every extended family could be as yours was/is, then there would be so many less hurting little hearts...I totally agree with your mother, and I wish more people thought and acted as she did/does....people need to look at the big picture..

    K
     
  8. Regina

    Regina Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2002
    Messages:
    324
    Likes Received:
    2
    Occupation:
    Engineer
    Location:
    Metro Atlanta
    Ratings:
    +2
    Yes, the big picture is raising emotionally, spiritually and physically healthy contributing members of society.
     
  9. cherryblossom

    cherryblossom Banned MEMBER

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2009
    Messages:
    19,252
    Likes Received:
    5,505
    Gender:
    Female
    Ratings:
    +5,560
    :bowdown:
     
  10. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2001
    Messages:
    69,983
    Likes Received:
    3,978
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    BUSINESS owner
    Location:
    Da~WINDY*CITY //CHICAGO
    Ratings:
    +4,178
    facts here i couldn't agree more ......being a step parent myself i know my place
    my structure and what i am in the child life .
     
Loading...