Black Parenting : Spanking Your Children

Discussion in 'Black Parenting' started by legit-writer, May 19, 2012.

  1. legit-writer

    legit-writer Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Do you spank your children? For those who do, do you agree with the concept to not spank your children if you are angry? If a child does something that pisses you off, how else are you supposed to feel prior to spanking them?
     
  2. cherryblossom

    cherryblossom Banned MEMBER

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    Sister Legit-Writer, this topic can also be found here:

    "Whipping and Spanking Our Children"
    http://destee.com/index.php?threads/whipping-and-spanking-our-children.60254/#post-620418


    But, to answer your question, here is my stance:

     
  3. houserunner

    houserunner Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    It depends on the degree of wrong that my kids do initially, but I will definitely do it if they openly defy me after being told what is right. The thing is to let your kids know the bounds and to not contradict the bounds yourself so they do not have an out on your expense and all "should" be good. I know there will come an age where only their experience will enhance your early teachings. And to clarify the word should is in quotes as I know not all situations, or other people's children are the same.
     
  4. cherryblossom

    cherryblossom Banned MEMBER

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    The best thing to do is to calm down before you spank.

    Get your emotions under control so you're not just whaling away at the child, taking out all your anger, hurt or even fear out on the child.

    IMO, that's when a parent crosses the line between "discipline" and "abuse."

    One time in my own childhood, after I had done something very stupid and potentially dangerous, my mother was very upset with me and was also extremely emotional because I had scared her for my safety and life. (NOTE: "ONE TIME.) lol

    So, after she had ascertained that I was not dead or hurt, she informed me of her mental and emotional state, "I PROMISE you this @ss-whoopin! But, I've got to calm down first cuz if I hit you NOW, I'll KILL ya!"

    It took her several DAYS to keep her "promise," but when she DID, I NEVA, EVA, EVA thought about doing that again! (lol)...Couldn't nobody PAY me to do it again! (lol) --That was the worst whoopin of my LIFE! (lol)

    And, of course, she prolly ALSO was beating me for some OTHER stuff that she had previously let me "slide" on.

    So, it was "catch-up time" on my behind! (lol)

    You know how the old ones say, "Imma gitcha for the OLD and the NEW!" :lol:
     
  5. cherryblossom

    cherryblossom Banned MEMBER

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    Oh, and this "decree" was even more chilling because she delivered it in her "quiet mode." ---- She wasn't screaming at me. Noooo.. Lookin' me dead in my eyes, she so very softly uttered these words to me that even more let me know just how ANGRY she was at me!

    She was like Marlon Brando in the "Godfather" talkin' to me! (lol)
     
  6. ebony12

    ebony12 New Member MEMBER

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    There is a difference between spanking your child to just shock them and going over board when you're mad and losing it on them. I've been in a few black parenting groups and noticed a consensus. I got spanked as a kid as most people my age did but it had to be something really bad. If I'm upset with my kid, I have to take a few exhales and calm down tell them what they did wrong in my sternest voice. They are usually scared of that more it seems!
     
  7. Keita Kenyatta

    Keita Kenyatta going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    I don't know what to say on this one. I know that there's a whole generation that didn't get their @ss whipped like a lot of us may have....and it may be a coincidence but, it appears that "that generation is the one filling up the prisons today". Makes one wonder if there's any correlation in that...HHhhmm. Nature is a great teacher...violate her laws and you might die. The streets are a great teacher...violate those codes and you might die. Prison is a great teacher....violate those codes and you might quickly die. What's the point? A simple one: The streets will kill you, prison will kill you and nature will kill you if you violate those codes or laws....I really think that I need to bust their @ss first so as to possibly avoid and instill the lessons of the other scenarios that don't care about anyone at all. Now we have all these punks running around with steel because they never learned with their hands to keep it real! Now they need a posse, a click and some even need a gang, cause with their hands they never learned how to bang.
     
  8. MimiBelle

    MimiBelle Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Every child is different. Every child will respond to different methods of correction.

    *****************

    No, you shouldn't be spanking your child in anger.
    ...because the act has now become about something else. It's no longer about 'their behavior' and correcting that behavior. It's about 'you'... and 'your anger about the situation'. Now? You're taking your frustration out on them...which is wrong.
    What's the worst that could happen? Plenty.

    I don't run about screaming and hollaring at my fiance when he does something that annoys or angers me. I don't do it to coworkers, my family, friends, colleagues, etc...
    Pts...and I work (at least PRN) with geri psych patients...with anxiety issues and mood disorders.
    Am I flaring up and screaming at them? No...and they're annoying as hell! *laugh*
    I can control myself with an adult. I can control myself with a child.
    ...and no - I don't need to have children in order to 'better understand. I don't need to birth children to know right from wrong.

    You can feel what you like. Frustration is normal. If you hit that child while feeling wrathful, however? That's not good. It might not end well.
    I don't say that anyone's a sh..ty parent, but...
    You don't get a pass for your anger management issues...just because youre 'the mama' or 'daddy'.
    You're not entitled to throw your weight around and misuse a 'little one' ...simply because you're angry...you're bigger... and it's 'my child'.

    Grow up, take a parenting class and learn some impulse control... for god's sake.

    ******************

    What do you do?
    What makes the most sense: Take a timeout and cool-off before you hit the child...hurt the child...have to/be forced to take the child to the ER...where someone like me will assess, take one look at those injuries, review xrays w/doc, and recommend that CPS review your 'curious little situation'.
    No - I'm never looking for things to report. Just in case some took that impression.
    We care for the family as a unit, yes...but we advocate for our pts always.
    In this would-be case, the pt is a 'little one'. Also, reported suspected abuse...is not an option.

    Don't feel sorry for these people. There'd be no reason to call out...if the parent hadn't done what they did to cause the child to have to go to the hospital, in the first place.

    ********************

    There is a difference between punishment and discipline.
    When you're applying 'discipline', you're training the child. The goal is to produce a particular behavior pattern. When you're applying punishment, you're punishing the child for wrong-doing.
    Plenty that I've seen do more of the latter than the former. Probably because 'plenty' use the terms interchangeably.
    *shrug*

    *********************

    Let's take a 2 going on 3 year old, for instance. This is also the most likely to be abused group, from what I recall.

    I've seen some folks just go haywire and start grabbing 'weapons' to 'whoop' a 2 year old for one little thing or another.
    a. It's a toddler. A 2 year old, not a fully grown adult. Yes - your hand is good enough. You don't need a weapon. You could hurt them, you idiot. If you're actually going to go snatch a freakin' branch from a tree? That's excessive.
    b. Again, it's a 2 year old. A toddler...and toddlers? Are egocentric. They're gonna say 'no'. It's not about disobediance...it's moreso an assertion of individuality. You don't want to hear, 'no'? Stop asking questions. Pick times where you can empower them and offer choices that don't undermine your authority.
    Other than that, stop asking. TELL them to do this, that and the other.

    They're going to 'dawdle' and waste time...because they don't how to reconcile doing what's asked of them with what they want to do. Wasting time...is their way of trying to do both.
    They're still learning self-control. They lack 'inner' control....

    See - when a child is born, they simply 'exist'. When they cry, what happens...? Someone feeds them, comforts them, changes them, plays with them, bathes them, etc....right?
    So, an infant can only understand through it's 5 senses. Obviously, because they can't reason (in an abstract fashion).
    ...and it's only through the care provided by the caregiver (mommy and daddy) that they begin to understand and see their environment as being separate from them.
    ...because an infant doesn't automatically understand that something apart from it's self fulfills it's basic needs.
    This is LEARNED.

    Eventually, the baby comes to recognize that face or two who stands as the main giver of comfort and pleasure: 'Mommy' and 'daddy'.
    ...(which, FYI, coincides with the child also becoming afraid when 'mommy' leaves(separation anxiety)...which also relates to 'stranger anxiety'. This all gets started between, oh, 5-9 mths? Why? Well, a child has no concept of 'object permanence'. In other words, out of sight; out of existence.
    If something - anything - disappears from their field of vision? They believe that it ceases to exist. They don't understand. It's like peek-a-boo. You duck down below that crib for a few seconds? The kid really does think that you're not there anymore....*laugh*
    One of the main challenges at this period is helping the child understand --> when people (objects) leave?
    They actually do return. An important lesson. Future development and their attitudes, 'specially where interpersonal relationships are concerned, tend to rely on this foundation...).

    ANYWAY --
    *laugh*
    Overall, this is how a little human being begins to understand 'trust'...by trusting their caregiver and 'trusting' their environment. <-- for further understanding: Erickson: Trust vs Mistrust. I don't say these things to be a know-it-all. I'm not a knowledge-hoarder. If I know something and I consider it important, I (over)share it. *laugh*
    There are folks on here with kids and, unless it's their speciality or they just like reading for the heck of it, everyone isn't aware. Psych and the growth of the psychE is just fascinating. I love talking about growth and development.

    So, back to my main point:
    From infancy (1m - 12 m) to toddler-hood (1y - 3y), the child lives in a world that exists to give them pleasure.
    ...but the child's also growing. Despite it being 'all about them', they understand and can differentiate between an approved act from one not approved.
    "Daddy said no, but I want a cookie...."

    They see the cookie jar. They understand that they can't have cookies...but the urge to have the cookie, anyway, is too strong.
    Now, the baby's on the table trying to reach for the cookies...and they know what they're doing. That's why they waited until you left the room... to do it! *laugh* Sometimes, and maybe some parents in here can identify with this, a child will be in the midst of wrong-doing and saying, 'no, no, no'.
    *laugh*
    It's like what Cosby said: You come in the room. "What are you doing on that chair...?"
    "Huh...?"
    "What are you doing in the chair by the cookies?"
    "I...wanna get... Cookie for you...?!" <-- a dayum LIE! *laugh*
    The child... WILL lie! If the child has enough reasoning ability to attempt to deceive when caught in the midst of unapproved behavior? The child understands the correct action (right) from the incorrect action (wrong).

    The child needs limits. Actually...DESIRES limits. They need a moral compass. It's in the home that a child learns respect for themselves, others and the greater community. A child has to learn self-control and that the adults are in control. They have to learn that the world doesn't exist to feed their ego...to give in to their self-satisfaction.
    It has to be taught and continuously reinforced.

    ...and no - you don't have to necessarily 'whoop' a child to accomplish this, either.
    I can count on one hand the number of times that I was physically hit. I was placed on restrictions. All of us were.
    1 lawyer, 1 auditor, 1 nurse/ex-military officer...and my baby older-brother?
    Well - he's 'trying'.
    *laugh*
    But -- this works better. I mean, 'whooping' is only truly effective until the kid reaches 8 or 9...and anytime you consistently do it? The child just grows immune to it.
    It lasts a second and it's over.
    But...the removal of favored objects and activities to modify behavior...?
    You do what I told you not to do and I take your PS3, tv away for 1 mth? I take your driving privileges for a semester. I take your car away for 2 mths? I refuse to let you go to the sleepover? I refuse to let you watch tv for a month?
    Etc...
    Oh, that never gets old.
     
  9. Asomfwaa

    Asomfwaa Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Excellent advice on when to beat a child and what mood to be in. But care to tell us what this "One Time" was? Did it involve a motorcyle? :eeek:

    At least you are safe.

    This reminds me of how our ancestors would beat a child who stood up to a group of White kids during segregation. It was just 'boys being boys' who didn't know 'Whites being Whites.' Though that's that.
     
  10. legit-writer

    legit-writer Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    yeah that definitely never gets old lol... but sometimes children are smart and will be good for rewards and not just for the sake of behaving. one example is my friend's 10 year old son. he would only be good in order to 'get something'. If he asks his mom can he play the video game, she says she will think about it and he will be all goody goody to her until he gets what he wants. however, just a few days ago, when his mother asked him to help her with the dishes and the trash, he did that and afterwards he said "can I ride my bike"? and she said "no" and he smarted off to her, saying "what is the point in my doing something when I don't get rewarded for it?" she got mad and told him that he is in his room for the rest of the night LOL!
     
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