Poetry Critiques : "Souls To Be Saved"

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by ANUK_AUSAR, Dec 26, 2005.

  1. ANUK_AUSAR

    ANUK_AUSAR Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2005
    Messages:
    231
    Likes Received:
    1
    Ratings:
    +1
    Written out of the desperation that our people will never trivialize the
    holocaust of crack cocaine.



    Souls to be saved can be found
    Howling through flaming hoops like "Crack-Law's Dog"
    Salivating at the suggestive rings
    Of Westernized Kamitic kings
    All about they, cocked fitted hats and
    Keepin their white tees clean.

    Oh if only the impending singe of the flame would dissuade
    The drooling-jawed tomato-eyed,
    Who gather into atrophied tribes where

    Busted down calf muscles shuffle toward
    The Apple-white fruits of D.C.'s
    Heaven's Gate as
    Hale-y Sealssie's lost brother Bopps down degraded blocks
    Ducking castrated Marshalls
    Cometing rocks towards complacent temples for dark deceased slaves.

    The golden resin fizzles as flame claims the circus act
    And she bellows out beached-whale ballads to lovers long-gone and
    Struts and gathers remembered compliments
    No longer suited for the stained bordello walls her vessel has become.

    "Sister stop! Pleasure is not a God!"
    Conscience cautions, but
    All is blue and brought-together in the endorphin sea

    And that Old-Time Religion is feel-good
    Hips gyrating and swine-fattened titties swimming
    In the mental-then-physical grips of
    Bishops with blunt-blackened lips

    And as the collection plate is passed
    Nasty Old Man Willis eases against her African ***, so
    Is an evil white man *really* responisble for the crack lab
    Or just for perfecting a tried formula
    N*ggas already had?

    Souls to be saved have been parodied for frat drinking games
    The new Black Plague is characterized as Tyrone
    Flapping into an intervention for the Free Crack Giveaway

    St. Clair susbtance slaves are centralized comedy for
    City Blue Addicts who unknowingly suffer
    The exact same **** thang.
     
  2. nevar

    nevar Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2005
    Messages:
    3,872
    Likes Received:
    134
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    working to own my plus size empire.....
    Location:
    I'm a Georgia Peach!!!!
    Ratings:
    +135
    this flow is deep cant wait to read more of your flows. flow on poet
    From the ga peach
    who's keeping it nice and sweet!!!!!!!!:star: :kiss1:
     
  3. Passionfruit005

    Passionfruit005 Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2005
    Messages:
    59
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Female
    Ratings:
    +4
    wow, thats real talk, very much so, u did ya thing
    very talentfully *not knowin if thas a word lol* but yea dun mind me
    ya joints hot, holla back one
     
  4. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2001
    Messages:
    69,983
    Likes Received:
    3,978
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    BUSINESS owner
    Location:
    Da~WINDY*CITY //CHICAGO
    Ratings:
    +4,178
    deeply felt wow!!!....surely no need to change a thing here.

    welcome to destee.com poetry critique workshop !
    welcome to the house of peace & respect
    welcome from above as i bless this some love
     
  5. PatriceCQueen

    PatriceCQueen Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2001
    Messages:
    385
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    I teach Teen Health
    Location:
    Brooklyn
    Ratings:
    +11
    was it intentional to spell kemetic as Kametic

    I asked cause it works with the following how you said it
    "Of Westernized Kamitic kings"

    making westernization changing even the spelling.......

    in this stanza i felt having where at the end weakened the sentence and maybe the stanza and maybe should be ommitted

    Oh if only the impending singe of the flame would dissuade
    The drooling-jawed tomato-eyed,
    Who gather into atrophied tribes where


    Oh if only the impending singe of the flame would dissuade
    The drooling-jawed tomato-eyed,
    Who gather into atrophied tribes

    The absence i think makes it stronger

    however in this next stanza where you did a similar thing in the middle (with the use of the word AS)
    I think it worked for it was surrounded and complimented within the stanza

    Busted down calf muscles shuffle toward
    The Apple-white fruits of D.C.'s
    Heaven's Gate as
    Hale-y Sealssie's lost brother Bopps down degraded blocks
    Ducking castrated Marshalls
    Cometing rocks towards complacent temples for dark deceased slaves.



    this next stanza the use of the word BUT crippled the stanza
    it is a powerful stanza without it
    Taking BUT out demands a flow

    "Sister stop! Pleasure is not a God!"
    Conscience cautions, but
    All is blue and brought-together in the endorphin sea

    "Sister stop! Pleasure is not a God!"
    Conscience cautions
    All is blue and brought-together in the endorphin sea

    In this next stanza AND works to carry over into this next stanza

    And that Old-Time Religion is feel-good
    Hips gyrating and swine-fattened titties swimming
    In the mental-then-physical grips of
    Bishops with blunt-blackened lips


    In this next stanza the use of AND did not work
    and I believe would lwork better for the sake of the whole piece to take it out
    repitition even from stanza to stanza sometimes does not work

    And as the collection plate is passed
    Nasty Old Man Willis eases against her African ***, so
    Is an evil white man *really* responisble for the crack lab
    Or just for perfecting a tried formula
    N*ggas already had?

    As the collection plate is passed
    Nasty Old Man Willis eases against her African ***, so
    Is an evil white man *really* responisble for the crack lab
    Or just for perfecting a tried formula
    N*ggas already had?

    The above stanza i like the formatting and the word choices even though I do not get all of it yet and most especially i lke the ? mark at the end cause it does not take away
    is another aspect of read between the lines
    thats is (what is not written here is just as important as what is written and you spkillfully wrote in the gap ..... making the reader go even into the gap to get the rest of the information

    in the next stanza i would either take out Free or giveaway cause i think having to two words waters down the piece as a end thought

    The poem is too strong and powerful to end like this

    Souls to be saved have been parodied for frat drinking games
    The new Black Plague is characterized as Tyrone
    Flapping into an intervention for the Free Crack Giveaway

    Souls to be saved have been parodied for frat drinking games
    The new Black Plague is characterized as Tyrone
    Flapping into an intervention for the Crack Giveaway

    Souls to be saved have been parodied for frat drinking games
    The new Black Plague is characterized as Tyrone
    Flapping into an intervention for the Free Crack



    I really loved this piece and learned a lot about your style and how well your style works for this piece

    I loved this poem and how u pemmed it

    I read the responese I made to your piece and GOD IT IS SOOOO LONG:jawdrop: :jawdrop:

    at this point i do not know how to shorten it


    Peace

    Patrice
     
  6. PatriceCQueen

    PatriceCQueen Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2001
    Messages:
    385
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    I teach Teen Health
    Location:
    Brooklyn
    Ratings:
    +11
    WELCOME TO THE FORUM


    Peace

    Patrice
     
  7. ANUK_AUSAR

    ANUK_AUSAR Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2005
    Messages:
    231
    Likes Received:
    1
    Ratings:
    +1
    Tua-U (Thank you)

    Peace,

    Thank you for the criticisms, all of which I consider positive.

    This is actually a spoken word piece which I've been struggling to format into a written form, which is why some of the technical aspcects such as the spacing of connective words between stanzas has a weird effect. I'm glad somebody caught that.

    As far as the Free Crack Giveaway, that was actually an allusion to a real scene from the Dave Chappelle show, as is the character Tyrone who made reference to it (it was how his friends at the intervention had drawn him there). The point was to emphasize that millions of drunk whiteboys are laughing at the parasitic nature of urban crack addiction.

    Aight, well thanks and I'll be sure to drop more pieces as time passes!

    Hetepu Seb Aungkh

    Peace Health Life

    Qenu Men Uas

    P.S. "Kamitic" is the pronunciation as revealed by the ancestors of Ra Un Nefer Amen the 1st, founder of Ausar Auset Society.
     
Loading...