Black Relationships : Soul Print of Mama T and her Lil' Soul

Dear Fam,

I'm on the verge of the unknown, facing the darkest night of my soul. Seven months pregnant, breaking up with the father again; and facing a gypsy future. So, being on the brink of what is unknown, and the most terrifying valley of my life to date, I want to share my story, a piece of my soul print with you. Maybe it's my insurance that if more people know about me, then the universe has to protect us, or maybe it's just my ego needing to validate myself, and to affirm that I haven't always been lost, I once had direction and potential.


I grew up in a middle class neighborhood, predominately Caucasian. My folks focused a lot on educating me at home, and as a result I did well academically. I challenged the teachers on history issues (having read George M. James), I visited the United Nations and gave a small speech on Apartheid at 15, and a year later I was a teacher's assistant for piano. My future looked bright and I had no doubts about my being successful. Some say I was an overachiever, but for me I was doing what the Creator had allowed me to do, all the things that brought me joy, and those were the safe places.

Studying my books was safer than showing up to school not knowing the answers or having to listen to some ignoramus call me N*gger at lunch. Studying during lunch time became safer than venturing into the playground where all sorts of havoc awaited me.
Studying became safer than listening to my parents argue or worse, ignore each other.
Achievements brought me a sense of acceptance from my parents who to some degree are each perfectionists.
And achievements more than anything, meant that I was somebody.

Around the age of 13, I had a full fledged ulcer from dealing with stress. Stress factors from within the home, where everything had to appear okay, and peace was kept at all costs. Stress from school where a battlefield brewed daily around my color, and stress from attempting to please others, to reach perfection and to handle information that a child my age was not intended to process. Which of the particular factors actually sent me to drink poison on that cold winter evening just before Christmas I cannot say for sure. I just knew there was no way out from the pain others were going to bring me, and accuse me of bringing them. My father told me that I had shamed him with my actions. That was the first time I think I had ever felt lost.

Shortly thereafter, I was introduced to the writings of Dr. Ben and Ivan Van Sertima, books on the history of Kemet and origins of humanity. It has taken many years before I was able to grasp the depth of the knowledge I had been given. To say I understood it all at 12 or 13 would be preposterous. However, the essence of the writings, the Spirit within them inspired me, and gave me the fuel I needed to cross many raging ravines of institutionalized racism. I believe my father gave them to me, because he believed I had to ability to Know Thyself and he wanted very much for me to succeed.

My father is in all aspects a successful person. He grew up the eldest of 11 children from a small town in South America. An overachiever himself, he was first in everything: track and field, soccer, academia, etc.... his life is really very amazing and deserves to be recorded. My father left his native land of "Many Waters" to study in England. He was going to be a lawyer. But fate had other plans, and he took sick, losing a kidney and almost his life . Spending over a year in convalescence, my father changed course from his academic pursuit and came to Canada. He arrived here to work as a Private Eye for a law firm in Ontario, but eventually came west to the city I was born in, Calgary, Alberta. This city has always been redneck and cowboy central, but the Jews liked my Pops and helped to put him in good positions.
He is now retired and living well.

Mom, is Italian by bloodlines, but raised by a French Catholic family.
My mother was quite the beauty in her day, and her sense of beauty is still evident today, especially in her home which she attends to daily. Mom, is the reason why I was able to read and write before I went to school. My mom is very sharp, I wouldn't be overdoing it to say that scholastically she could have been brillant. But her destiny was shaped by domineering Catholic parents who wanted their daughter to be what they wanted, rather than what she was able to carve for herself. She rebelled, never went to college and got three jobs working admin in the Oil industry of Calgary.

I take after both of my parents in degree.
The difference between us is that I have taken risks where they would not, and I have also made desperate attempts to retrieve my authentic self from the years of self-denial and the need to please. I also have unique experiences as a Black female that neither one of them will understand. FFWD to last year.

I was renting a gorgeous apartment in a small town 1 hour west of the city. Instead of going to school to finish my degree in Criminology and Women's Studies, I chose to pursue music, painting and my own business! I was used to putting my energies into many different areas, but this time it was different, I hadn't formed a solid structure by which to measure my growth and I suffered from self-doubt, missed steps and not listening to my gut! In addition, the stock market took a big chunk of my investments and flushed them down the toilet sooner than I could blink, my businesses suffered from my feeling like a failure. But then the opportunity came to work at a bank as a client representative. I was terrified that they would fire me during the three month probation period because I was pregnant. I turned the job down, and moved into the city to be with the father.

The city became a nightmare fast. Housing prices are 1.5X more than the town I was in, mobility and transit are difficult and the lifestyle sucks in comparison to living in nature. I spent the last 6 months living with my folks which was not good. My depression resurfaced having to face ghosts from the past, and it was too much for them to handle. I am not on medication, never have been and the doctor's won't give me any. I guess that's good, that I'm not clinically labelled as bi-polar, or dangerous to others. But it's not good for me, because I can be dangerous to myself when I'm down.

My moods didn't make me the ideal house guest, and my folks insisted I move in with Baby Daddy as soon as he secured a location. In my gut I felt it was going to put me in checkmate and I was right. His behavior since I returned to the city was less than encouraging. I believe that people can choose to grow and love is a wonderful motivator, but in this case that hasn't really happened.
But, in I moved to this house he was renting from a friend of a friend. We talked about our costs and he insisted he needed to get a second job to handle all our bills. I suggested that we take it easy, he stay working the one job and we balance things better.

Well within on week, the landlord makes an appearance to tell me that we have to move because he's going to rent it to some girl he had as a previous tenant. He made all sorts of lame excuses and the bottom line is that he cannot legally do it. Baby Dad though doesn't stand up to him, nope he negotiates with the scum sucker to rent his other home which I had seen before and vetoed. The next location costs even more and is a dump! But Baby Daddy is going to get room mates. Now, please keep in mind that for what he's going to pay in rent, there are places available that are better maintained and offer a more private experience. I had also suggested to him that I ought to look at relocating to another town where the cost of living was more affordable. Well, before we could plan a darn thing or work anything out, he walks in and tells me we have to have our stuff out on Saturday. I work Friday nights until 2 a.m and Saturday afternoon, but hey I guess so long as it works for one of us.

Baby Daddy is moving in on Saturday with some girl for a room mate. Riiiggghttt... and then has the audacity to ask me for my opinion on it! Like who cares, you already made the decision and if you don't know by now what's up then boogie on. One of the Destee members has a comment that the men we sleep with is a reflection of my character... I agree which is why I have to leave the situation.
I have abandoned any hope of remaining friends with him.
In fact I told him straight that he'll see me in court before I venture to play nice around custody and visitation. My truth today is that it's not enough to be Black together, that just isn't a common bond. You have to share a sense of common history and background in order to make a relationship work. His eyes glaze over when I try to capture his interest with Black authors and scholars. He is not interested in any of it, and I believe it shows in the way he treats me.
The sacrifice made to retrieve some of our men from their mental enslavement isn't worth the price of our own lives, or the lives of our babies.


The bottom line is that I haven't much time to figure out how to get out of this mess. I've always been able to rely on someone, somewhere and now there's nobody but me and the little one to come. My family would advise me to suck it up and move in with the father, but my heart, my Spirit and my mind tell me this crusade is OVER. To stay another moment longer will be detrimental to me in ways I can only begin to fathom. Physical cruelty is devasting I know because I've experienced it, but mental cruelty is worse, it leaves no bruises and no proof that it happened, so it's an invisible form of pain.

I feel like a fool, mentally repeating affirmations, keeping my head up, and believing in the miracles of answered prayers from out of the blue. I feel like a fool for believing that creating a Black family would solve some sort of political equation. I feel like a fool for believing I could improve someone, and make my own fairytale romance. I feel like a fool for believing that his growing up without a father and having issues with his own mother would be something we could work through. I feel like a fool for not listening to my parents when they told me to look after myself first, I feel like a fool for allowing myself to place my self worth in the hands of others and I feel like a fool for believing when there just wasn't nothing to believe in.

I know there's no God in the sky listening to my problems, but I pray anyways, to ancestors, the the divine substance, the Source whatever. I do it because I had results before and it's all I have left right now.
My baby boy is due in August and I pray for the fortitude to hear divine guidance, the hear the voice within me that can put me back on track. I pray that I will be the one to raise my son, without daycare, baby sitters and strangers. I pray to become the person I ought to have been. I pray forgiveness from my child for not planning things better and I pray one day to write the sequel to this Soul Print as a victory.

That's all folks, thanks for reading and stay Blessed!

 

Aw, shucks.

That's a sad story. My Sister, I salut you for standing strong and not crumbling or breaking all this time.

As a Brother, an organizer of the community and a lover and servant of my Sister, mothers and daughters, I feel for you =/

To quote Elder Sister Lauryn Hill "Too many black woman that can say that they mothers but can't say that they'are wives".

As much as I support your break-up, the separation represents another loss for the Afrikan child that will soon be born, and consequently, for the Afrikan community at large.

Speaking on your situation, if you don't mind my asking.

Do you have any friends in town or around you that you can be real with? A problem I find with far too many of our people is that they are surrounded by people who are not serious about life or liberation (in any form). You need someone to talk to about this, feel me? You have family, that's a start too...

--

Let me not be too long here, as there is only so much impact I can have over an internet forum.

My Sister, stay up. Keep praying, keep meditating and focusing energies. Remember the system you are battling with that would like for you to give in. Remember what made your man the man he is today. Be thankful that you have your mind in a time of mindlessness.

Read as much as you can, Sobonfu Some is a good author, Baruti and Akbar is also much recommended as you are going through labour. Get "kindezi" as well. And maybe Hare on black sexual politics.

As long as you have faith and KNOWLEDGE that there is a purpose (NIA), and that the bodiless intelligence, along with our beautiful Ancestors are guiding you... you cannot lose.

And your peers are all around, supporting in spirit.

I am passing you love and determination with the Ancestral winds, open your arms and embrace them.

From me to you, all the way from Norway in Europe, much Love and Respect.

Black Queens up!

One,

- Ikoro

 

may The Most High Afrikan smile

Upon you and yours in every way.

 

your luv is appreciated...

I agree that our separation is a loss to the community - and it grieves me deeply. I still love him, but the pain of his choices hurts me much more, and I work OT to keep from losing what we have in light of his decisions.

Unfortunately, I am estranged from my family - they don't really support the Black family unit anyways, and most of this city is White people, some of which I will have to stay with. So my grief is tremendous right now.
Even if I chose to move in with him, how can I deal with the other womban he has invited to live with him as a "room mate". Sharing a bathroom, a kitchen, etc.... and he's already had his share of indiscretions...

I'm trying to find the courage to go to work tonight. I've wanted my own family for so long, maybe too much.

I thank you for the passing on of love and determination - I will receive it with gratitude.

 

Peace.

I'm sad to hear about this Brother who seems to lack a fundamental respect for him Self and the seeds he has planted in your Earth.

Can you at least rely on him for financial aid? If nothing else, you need that from him.

It pains me deeply to think of your predicament, and it instills a slight feeling of indignation in me too. How I wish I was born twice or thrice, so that I could shelter and care for all the Sisters disrespected and abandoned by my Brethren.

So, you have no close friends in your town? Seriously, what we lack as a people are reliable support systems. You say family is out, then surely, you must have a close Sister or Brother? Please find one, it is not to be underrated.

Be strong willed and ignore that Brother if he does not have sense to respect you, emotions are great tools to be used for your benefit - but you should not be used by your emotions.

Keep us posted if you can, we worry for you.

Blessed Love.

One,

- Chi

 

Too tired for forgiveness

I'm supposed to forgive him, and move on. Forgive him so that I feel renewed, forgive him because he's a lost brother, for-give.... but today I cannot do it.
Today I wished upon him a pain filled life and a death of agony. I have lost my ability to love this man unconditionally and to keep the focus of the unity between brothers and sisters.

Today, I am not the bigger person, I am small and hurt and wanting vengeance.
Today I am obsessed and torn, and angry and spiteful. Today I am acting like a child.

Today is not a good day for Mama T.

 

Through pain comes sterngth. trust me on that sister. Your child depends on that. Also, please do not become another Mean, angry, bitter sister. You are BIGGER than that and your baby will absorb all that. Don't let those who hurt you win. IMHO. remeber, both you and your child are LOVED and cared about.

 

You really don't want to hear from me on this cause you already know I'm keeping this RAW. You have violated several rules of life but you are special and it is far from being over. #1. Get all negative thoughts out of your mind.Feelings are the vibrations of thoughts...change one and you automatically change the other. #2. You have to forgive him, for in doing so you also cleanse yourself from the past and the idea that "they knew better" when actually they didn't...you did. #3. Everyday is a new beginning....your failure to not let go of the past pain means that you carry it into the future with you and your child. #4. All the issues you said that you feel foolish about are the direct result of leading with your feelings instead of your head. Heart always feels....head always KNOWS...now which do you think is more reliable? #5. If you know anything about chess then begin to strategise your life and calculate every move. Keep only the pieces(people) close to you that enhance or benefit the direction you are moving. #6. Falling down isn't a bad thing, it's only bad when you fail to get back up. #7. Sometimes you have to be like me. For example: (People ask me have I ever made any mistakes in my life?...the answer is NO.) I have had some hard lessons but I have never made a mistake. A mistake is always something you didn't learn from and as such are doomed to repeat it. If you learned something from a miscalculated move then it isn't a mistake it's a lesson regardless of how hard the lesson was. #8. Two energies can not occupy the same space at the same time....so if you are feeling or having negative thoughts or feelings towards what you incorrectly see as the cause of what you are going through, where will you have room for all the positive and constructive energy you need to go forward?

I trust to hear from you again!

One Love Sis!!

 

snapping out of it....

Brothers, Keita, Ikoro and IOnlySpeak, thank you for your guidance, your words and your direction. I did snap out of my funky little anger shortly after I posted. I won't call it a miracle of such, but through determination, endurance and the spiritual support of my Destee family my partner is coming around on the housing issue.

The landlord is a White man who is trying to intimidate and coerce my partner into another home that he intends to demolish; the home is no sound in structure / electric or energy. My partner moved into this home 2 1/2 weeks ago and expected to get the lease when the landlord returned from vacation. In this province you must have a "lease" - a written set of terms, even if it's month to month or else the tenant does not have to pay rent until it is received. So, upon his return from vacation, this person calls my partner at work to say he made a mistake, and ought to have rented to a previous tenant who vacated 3 months ago. He then arrives at the house, not knowing that I'm home, with the intention of entering the premises, to look around and "see how much stuff we have". When he finds me at home, he says he just wanted to see how hard it would be for us to move. I explained that I didn't think he had a legal right to do this....

FFWD to yesterday. Finally, after much much talking and a little perspective from my Sister who supported me, my partner is seeing just how ridiculous the situation is, especially since the law is on the side of the tenant.

The landlord has to give us 3 months notice, in writing and state the reason for asking us to vacate. On top of that there are only 5 reasons we can be asked to leave, and none of these reasons are why he's asking us to leave - so the request is illegal. I spoke to this man on the phone yesterday, he called me "sweetie" and said he was well aware of the law, he had been here before. I informed him that if he's done this before to other tenants, being aware of the law, then that spoke a lot about his character. He got angry, threatened to show up at the house on Monday with a Sheriff to have us removed.

My partner signed another lease for the "dump" a few blocks away, so he figures that goes to show an intent to move. I informed him that a contract signed under duress is invalid, and that technically we now had both of his properties, to do with as we saw fit! And that his only recourse was if we didn't pay rent on the second unit to evict us for non-payment. He didn't like dealing with a knowledgable sister.

The mutual friend who "hooked" us up called my partner today, and I am so pleased that instead of backing down, my partner stood his ground, stated our position and informed him that we require a reasonable amount of time to find a new home - and 8 days isn't it!

The thing is, my partner has a great position at a firm here in the city, but since the "boom" housing for families is not so easy to find. We were paying $1200 / month and that's a good deal here - I won't qualify for maternity because I didn't pay into my EI premiums when I worked contract for the last 52 weeks - so I messed that up for us. Like Brother Keita said, I've broken some rules of Life.

It's not all his fault, and I recognize that because my partner has had certain experiences in his life, he doesn't like confrontation - he had to learn to adapt to not making waves during his life. I told him I was really very happy that he handled the conversation in that way today, and I know it takes him out of his comfort zone.

I'm willing to have his back, always. I am just unwilling to let arrogant people push us around, especially when I can sense their intentions are to break the Black Spirit and demoralize us. Anyways, I know there's a lot going on right now for many of us, but I am in my heart and mind very grateful for my Spiritual family of Destee. I have a place to come to, to put it on the table and to gain feedback from people whose voices carry the wisdom of experience and loyalty.

We do intend to find another place ASAP, our personal goal is to find a home by July 31st. That will put me at 8 months, but that's okay. So long as this baby is safe and sound, and my partner and I stand united rather divided, we can manage this successfully.

I love you all for your support.

phynX

 

This post was very touching - it brought tears to my eyes - for your pain and your victories. It took me a couple days to digest. I hear you.

no advice to share - just good vibes to send your way.


Zulile