Hey fambly,
I was on the phone the other day with my aunt discussing an old friend we had recently run into. She was saying how surprised that friend would be to learn that i can hear now (I am profoundly deaf but underwent an operation 12 years ago that restored my hearing). Then we started reminiscing about how everyone had responded when I first had the operation and without thinking I remembered how my uncle had sung "I believe in Miracles." If I had had my wits about me, I would not have given her such an obvious lead in. But I did and she took it. "Praise the Lord and you know we are still believing that God is going to heal your eyes." I am also legally blind and have been for almost 20 years now. Like many visually impaired people, my eyesight fluctuates depending on the amount and angle of the light, the contrast of things with their background and other factors. Whenever I mention that I am seeing things better than usual my family says "Praise the Lord." They actually believe that this is God's healing power manifesting. These are people I love—people I was raised to respect
It's not just that they believe this but they have let me know that it is my fault that I can't see and hear. I don't have enough faith. I'm harboring some t terrible sin. My mother even told me "God told me he wants to heal you but you have given up on him. "
What people believe stops being personal and private when they allow it to determine how they treat others. I just get tired of always being left in a state of cognitive dissonance everytime I talk to my mother. I love her. She is the foundation of my strength as a woman. What made me go through with the operation that restored my hearing was the thought of being able to hear my mother sing again. So it huts to know that the thing that is most important in her life, her faith, is the one taboo subject that we cannot discuss without either getting into an argument or me biting my tongue in two. She's an ordained evangelist so it's unrealistic for me to think I can just avoid the subject of religion.
I chose to move away from Christianity. That was my choice that I made knowing full well that I would be alone. I know that I cannot be angry with anyone who does not make that choice for themselves. It's not being alone that bothers me. It's the pretense—the delusions. It's knowing that they are still hoping and praying for me—meaning they don't fully accept who I am but I'm supposed to accept them and respect their beliefs. I resent that I am the only one in my family who is not allowed to talk about what I believe while everyone else feels free to discuss their delusions. I resent that they would see my resentment as proof against me. "See that's why God hasn't healed you yet. ." And I positively resent healing being dangled like a carrot to control me. It makes a travesty of the power of the true Creator. It lets me know that that low level regional manager we read about in the By Bill is not the true Creator.
I know I sound like I'm ranting, but please don't tell me I should not feel this way. It's bad enough when Christians hurt people. It's worse when they hurt someone and then tell them how to feel about it. I just wanted to say these things to someone besides myself. I just wanted to say the things others tell me I shouldn't say, don't have a right to say, am above saying.Yes, I am responsible for my own feelings. Nobody can make me angry unless I allow them to. But even a pressure cooker had a little hole in the lid to let the steam out
Thanks for listening. Now that I know you are all here for me, I can go back to being my composed self.
river
I was on the phone the other day with my aunt discussing an old friend we had recently run into. She was saying how surprised that friend would be to learn that i can hear now (I am profoundly deaf but underwent an operation 12 years ago that restored my hearing). Then we started reminiscing about how everyone had responded when I first had the operation and without thinking I remembered how my uncle had sung "I believe in Miracles." If I had had my wits about me, I would not have given her such an obvious lead in. But I did and she took it. "Praise the Lord and you know we are still believing that God is going to heal your eyes." I am also legally blind and have been for almost 20 years now. Like many visually impaired people, my eyesight fluctuates depending on the amount and angle of the light, the contrast of things with their background and other factors. Whenever I mention that I am seeing things better than usual my family says "Praise the Lord." They actually believe that this is God's healing power manifesting. These are people I love—people I was raised to respect
It's not just that they believe this but they have let me know that it is my fault that I can't see and hear. I don't have enough faith. I'm harboring some t terrible sin. My mother even told me "God told me he wants to heal you but you have given up on him. "
What people believe stops being personal and private when they allow it to determine how they treat others. I just get tired of always being left in a state of cognitive dissonance everytime I talk to my mother. I love her. She is the foundation of my strength as a woman. What made me go through with the operation that restored my hearing was the thought of being able to hear my mother sing again. So it huts to know that the thing that is most important in her life, her faith, is the one taboo subject that we cannot discuss without either getting into an argument or me biting my tongue in two. She's an ordained evangelist so it's unrealistic for me to think I can just avoid the subject of religion.
I chose to move away from Christianity. That was my choice that I made knowing full well that I would be alone. I know that I cannot be angry with anyone who does not make that choice for themselves. It's not being alone that bothers me. It's the pretense—the delusions. It's knowing that they are still hoping and praying for me—meaning they don't fully accept who I am but I'm supposed to accept them and respect their beliefs. I resent that I am the only one in my family who is not allowed to talk about what I believe while everyone else feels free to discuss their delusions. I resent that they would see my resentment as proof against me. "See that's why God hasn't healed you yet. ." And I positively resent healing being dangled like a carrot to control me. It makes a travesty of the power of the true Creator. It lets me know that that low level regional manager we read about in the By Bill is not the true Creator.
I know I sound like I'm ranting, but please don't tell me I should not feel this way. It's bad enough when Christians hurt people. It's worse when they hurt someone and then tell them how to feel about it. I just wanted to say these things to someone besides myself. I just wanted to say the things others tell me I shouldn't say, don't have a right to say, am above saying.Yes, I am responsible for my own feelings. Nobody can make me angry unless I allow them to. But even a pressure cooker had a little hole in the lid to let the steam out
Thanks for listening. Now that I know you are all here for me, I can go back to being my composed self.
river
