Black Spirituality Religion : Sometimes I Just Get Tired

Discussion in 'Black Spirituality / Religion - General Discussion' started by river, Jan 6, 2013.

  1. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    Hey fambly,

    I was on the phone the other day with my aunt discussing an old friend we had recently run into. She was saying how surprised that friend would be to learn that i can hear now (I am profoundly deaf but underwent an operation 12 years ago that restored my hearing). Then we started reminiscing about how everyone had responded when I first had the operation and without thinking I remembered how my uncle had sung "I believe in Miracles." If I had had my wits about me, I would not have given her such an obvious lead in. But I did and she took it. "Praise the Lord and you know we are still believing that God is going to heal your eyes." I am also legally blind and have been for almost 20 years now. Like many visually impaired people, my eyesight fluctuates depending on the amount and angle of the light, the contrast of things with their background and other factors. Whenever I mention that I am seeing things better than usual my family says "Praise the Lord." They actually believe that this is God's healing power manifesting. These are people I love—people I was raised to respect

    It's not just that they believe this but they have let me know that it is my fault that I can't see and hear. I don't have enough faith. I'm harboring some t terrible sin. My mother even told me "God told me he wants to heal you but you have given up on him. "

    What people believe stops being personal and private when they allow it to determine how they treat others. I just get tired of always being left in a state of cognitive dissonance everytime I talk to my mother. I love her. She is the foundation of my strength as a woman. What made me go through with the operation that restored my hearing was the thought of being able to hear my mother sing again. So it huts to know that the thing that is most important in her life, her faith, is the one taboo subject that we cannot discuss without either getting into an argument or me biting my tongue in two. She's an ordained evangelist so it's unrealistic for me to think I can just avoid the subject of religion.

    I chose to move away from Christianity. That was my choice that I made knowing full well that I would be alone. I know that I cannot be angry with anyone who does not make that choice for themselves. It's not being alone that bothers me. It's the pretense—the delusions. It's knowing that they are still hoping and praying for me—meaning they don't fully accept who I am but I'm supposed to accept them and respect their beliefs. I resent that I am the only one in my family who is not allowed to talk about what I believe while everyone else feels free to discuss their delusions. I resent that they would see my resentment as proof against me. "See that's why God hasn't healed you yet. ." And I positively resent healing being dangled like a carrot to control me. It makes a travesty of the power of the true Creator. It lets me know that that low level regional manager we read about in the By Bill is not the true Creator.

    I know I sound like I'm ranting, but please don't tell me I should not feel this way. It's bad enough when Christians hurt people. It's worse when they hurt someone and then tell them how to feel about it. I just wanted to say these things to someone besides myself. I just wanted to say the things others tell me I shouldn't say, don't have a right to say, am above saying.Yes, I am responsible for my own feelings. Nobody can make me angry unless I allow them to. But even a pressure cooker had a little hole in the lid to let the steam out

    Thanks for listening. Now that I know you are all here for me, I can go back to being my composed self.

    river
     
  2. spiritual eyes46

    spiritual eyes46 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I WANT YOU TO KNOW I FEEL YOUR PAIN , don't feel alone feel free that you have liberated yourself, i agree with you there are a lot of church family that will put you down point out all your faults, say very hurtful things and still expect you to be there and love them unconditional but they have never looked in the mirror at their own, quick to use GOD'S name to make you feel ashame or guilty, a family is suppose to be supportive,loving,understanding and non-judgemental, SOMETIMES YOU MAY HAVE TO DISTANT YOURSELF SO THAT YOU CAN BE ALL YOU CAN BE, SOMETIMES LOVING FROM A DISTANCE IS BETTER THAN LOVING UP CLOSE,YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU noone is going to make you happy but you.....and remember keep faith and seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall open, when those words were spoken it was meant for you to do actually what you did,you seek and found and your hearing was restored,you will be ok, negative people gives off negative energy which leads to depression and health issues, so find some positive people,places or things and join to occupy your time good luck
     
  3. Josef

    Josef Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    thank you for sharing! continue on doing you, you first and foremost know what feels right and what is your truth. you will be blessed and so dont let ANYONE make you feel you to be cursed nor unwarranted because of what they feel is your lack of faith. May the Creator continue to heal you congratulations for being able to experience the wondeful ability to hear again
     
  4. Kemetstry

    Kemetstry going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    People have always been haters. I'm sure there are those that told Abram, Zachariah etc they they were cursed because they didnt have children. There will be many holier than thou christians told to walk over to GODs left side on judgement day





    ..
     
  5. Omowale Jabali

    Omowale Jabali The Cosmic Journeyman PREMIUM MEMBER

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    I know the feeling.
     
  6. Chevron Dove

    Chevron Dove Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I believe that if you don't believe in Christianity or the Bible, then others should honor and respect that and not push their beliefs onto you. I believe that it would be terribly difficult though, for your own mother to agree with you because of her stance and her beliefs. You are her child, her daughter, and your stance against her religion actually completely comprimises the very basic principle of her belief system I thing, in that she probably adheres to 'training up her child in the way that she should go' and she doesn't want to accept that you have rejected that part of what she believes in. So you might have to distance yourself from her and your family, otherwise you might be infringing on her belief system too. If she can't accept that part of you, then you might have to make some tough decisions.

    I do hear you in that you gained your hearing from an operation and it is your belief that their religion has nothing to do with it but they believe otherwise. There are so many people in other countries and have had operations to help them and they believe in their, doctors, religion or government in that their healing comes from that basis and not the Creator that Christians believe in. Heck, some doctors that give operations aren't Christian here in America! They probably believe they are 'the god' of healing powers!
     
  7. Fine1952

    Fine1952 Happy Winter Solstice MEMBER

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    Dear River: I have watched you grow over the years...you were one of the first "Ladies" to respond to my topics. You asked questions and I do not remember mocking or chiding you because I immediately 'sensed' that your curiosity was sincere.

    With that being said, I enjoyed reading this post and wish you much success as you continue to think "outside" the vacuum of male-dominated religion.

    1Love,
    :hearts1:


    PS Lovely baby picture (Smile)
     
  8. MsVeraisblessed

    MsVeraisblessed Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    sis river,... i have been wanting to know what type of ear surgery is best for the hearing impaired... My cousin had one many years ago but things have changed now....what type of surgery did you have and what would you recommend.... i have never agreed with the one surgery where they have the one installed to your brain and then to the back of the ear...i have never liked it...
     
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