Black Relationships : Solving Problems in a "Relationship"

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Edward Williams, Jul 21, 2008.

  1. Edward Williams

    Edward Williams Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2006
    Messages:
    870
    Likes Received:
    58
    Occupation:
    Produce Justice
    Location:
    Right here!
    Ratings:
    +58
    One of the main problems with relationships ending between non-white (black) males and non-white (black) females is their ability to solve problems. We never know what to expect from each other because we have been trained to misuse and abuse each other. We've bee ntaught to just accept a person as they are...with all of their faults and all of their inconsistencies. But that doesn't work which is the reason non-white males and females keep breaking up. There is only so much we can "accept".

    Below is a primitive effort at coming up with a problem solving strategy that allows for both people to voice their opinions about the problem, carefully listen to each other, voice their opinion about how to solve the problem, come to an agreement, and also leave room for improvement inthe future.

    But it needs refinement.

    If you so choose, please help to refine this process, without argument with each other, by voicing which part of it doesn't work and why. Also, please voice which part of this process does work and why.

    Thank you.

     
  2. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2001
    Messages:
    34,787
    Likes Received:
    8,982
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    betwixt and between
    Ratings:
    +9,680
    Brother Edward Williams ... this seems to be a great problem solving strategy.

    As i read it, i thought ... hmmmm ... we can even put it into practice right here and now ... because ...

    We have a problem, Let’s TALK! :)

    :heart:

    Destee <~~ Initiator :)
     
  3. Edward Williams

    Edward Williams Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2006
    Messages:
    870
    Likes Received:
    58
    Occupation:
    Produce Justice
    Location:
    Right here!
    Ratings:
    +58
    You mean me and you...we have a problem?
     
  4. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2001
    Messages:
    34,787
    Likes Received:
    8,982
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    betwixt and between
    Ratings:
    +9,680
    Yes ... a small one, that could probably be solved implementing this strategy you've presented, while at the same time demonstrating its ability to do as you've suggested it might.

    Perfect opportunity for a win win.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  5. Edward Williams

    Edward Williams Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2006
    Messages:
    870
    Likes Received:
    58
    Occupation:
    Produce Justice
    Location:
    Right here!
    Ratings:
    +58
    Sounds good to me. What seems to be the problem? :)
     
  6. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2001
    Messages:
    34,787
    Likes Received:
    8,982
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    betwixt and between
    Ratings:
    +9,680
    ahhhhh ... i'm so glad you asked ... :) ... let me tell you what I think the problem is ... :lol:

    Well ... first, since this is an experiment of sorts, to see if your strategy actually produces positive results ... i'd like to preface my thoughts ... that this strategy could be used to solve problems in all relationships, not just those between Black Men and Black Women of an intimate nature. Brother Edward and i have not had an intimate relationship, but we do have a relationship, one worthy of problem solving strategies ... with this in mind ... i will now tell you (all) what i think the problem is.

    :)

    I find it problematic, when you say you're going to call, and don't. I had gotten myself all excited, thinking i'm going to get to talk to the one and only Brother Edward Williams. I think okay, maybe i might have found a Daddy for me and all my chiren ... i'm looking online for a wedding dress maker, even though there is no intimate relationship yet ... i've got the u-hauls loaded and ready to roll ... i have told my chiren to hold on, they might be getting some new tennis shoes soon ... telling them they won't have to be hid in the closet for much longer, i think he'll say i do ... so many things i've put on the fact that you said you'd call, and yet ... well ... now i'm disappointed ... :( ... do you have any questions?

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  7. Son of RA

    Son of RA STAFF STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2005
    Messages:
    320
    Likes Received:
    90
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Student
    Location:
    Tucson, AZ
    Ratings:
    +92
    Greetings,

    Wonderful!! I will use this. This is a vital code (set of rules [words/ actions] for accomplishing a goal). Just like one of my engine rebuild books, a city fire codes, city building codes, city electrical codes, or city plumbing codes it gives me a step-by-step way of arriving at goal (the goal being here to solve a problem). Thank you. The problem I have had with the non-white females (Black females) and non-white males (Black males) is the denial of a problem or lack of interest in solving a problem. In the past I have been called terms like "abrasive" or "militant" by non-white females (Black females / sistahs) when I wanted to deal with a problem especially when I relate the problem to racism / white supremacy which in all cases it is. Non-white males (Black males / brothas) usually shrug their shoulders and say things like, "Come on, man. Take a chill pill". But the one thing that lets me know we are insane is when I am told to, "Pray about it (the problem) and let Lord Savior Jesus Christ (white male) handle it". Whoa!! It seems to me (maybe I am wrong) the biggest problem / symptom besides the system of racism is non-white peoples (Black folks) serious denial that the problem (white supremacy/racism) and the symptoms it causes exist. :(
     
  8. Bootzey

    Bootzey Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2008
    Messages:
    1,901
    Likes Received:
    770
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Don't Ask
    Location:
    Metro ATL
    Ratings:
    +862

    Sister D, I almost peed my pants! Unfortunately, I know someone it happened to...
     
  9. Edward Williams

    Edward Williams Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2006
    Messages:
    870
    Likes Received:
    58
    Occupation:
    Produce Justice
    Location:
    Right here!
    Ratings:
    +58
    Destee, it is always good to see your smiling face. :) When I think of you I think of you smiling like in the picture you sent me long ago. :) I agree that what has been stated by you Destee as a problem is indeed a problem. I appreciate you surfacing this problem and I agree that what you have stated is correct. I do not have any questions at this time about the problem as stated. What do you propose to be a solution to our problem?

    NOTE: Let's put all changes that we think should be changes to the process in red and I'll add them to the initial post if we agree that they are changes that should be made. Do you agree that it would be better if the Helper asked the Initiator for a proposed solution? I think if it is asked constructively it helps to better flow the conversation between the Initiator and the Helper rather than moving directly from the Helper stating they don't have any questions to the problem as stated to the Initiator telling the Helper what they think a proposed solution would be. Please let me know what you think about this question before we get back ot solving our problem. :)
     
  10. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2001
    Messages:
    34,787
    Likes Received:
    8,982
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    betwixt and between
    Ratings:
    +9,680
    Brother Edward Williams ... you're so sweet, you make problem solving fun! :party:

    Okay ... for the sake of the experiment, let's go back to step 4, it reads ... 4. The Initiator then asks the Helper if they have any questions. ... i propose that this be changed to the following ... 4. The Initiator then asks the Helper if they understand / agree that this is a problem, and if they have any questions surrounding the alleged problem. ... We are fortunate in this experiment, that you agree that there is a problem, and no doubt understand it, but that might not always be the case. The Helper may totally disagree that the situation is problematic, at which point, something more is needed ... and they should not move forward until they can at least agree on if there is a problem or not.

    My proposed solution to this problem, would be, that we don't tell each other we're going to do something, and then don't do it. Of course situation and circumstance sometimes keeps all of us from doing what we'd planned, but in such cases, we should at least let the other person know as soon as possible ... that is ... if we care about the relationship. To ignore or continue doing such, only generates negativity, where there doesn't have to be any.

    Do you have any questions regarding my proposed solution?

    Do you have an alternate solution to offer, that might solve the problem better?

    :heart:

    Destee
     
Loading...