Poetry Critiques : slave rooted americans part 1

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by deepy, Feb 7, 2005.

  1. deepy

    deepy going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    this is where i think this should be..since i am definitely thinking lots about it...always open to hear real critique...thanks

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    so many colors
    so many roots...connected to so many trunks
    stretching deep, deep back
    back
    beyond before the middle passage
    inside
    some darkened hole
    where GRACE
    took over
    and inner strength regenerated
    then
    out of the dark..
    eyes blinded by
    the blue skied light
    and
    into some hole
    packed down ...
    deep inthe dark again
    touching other roots
    feeling all the sap and juices
    in that hole
    where
    fecal smells engulf the nose
    permeates
    til GRACE takes over
    some inner strength regnerates
    as they watch
    those who missed grace
    jump over/off or
    just give up
    back beyond and thru
    middle passages
    to this place where
    30 pieces of silver -
    Sold!
    bought a father?
    and once again..
    some danken place
    some whipping pole
    some musty hole..
    aah GRACEtook over
    regenerating soul

    this amazing grace made famous by some "master boatman?"
    was OUR sweet song
    OUR GRACE that saved our inner being ..
    saved us thru the wretchedness
    regenerating , rerooting..
    where are you now?






    this is the beginning of what i hope becomes a longer work...
    i think the last 6 lines maybe the end of the final piece. but i am notsure.
    this is only part l


    (c)ncn/deepy-feb.2005
    __________________
     
  2. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    thank you for posting this over here deepy...ima read this tonite again and let it marinate for a second...i'll be back with my critique...

    one love
    khasm
     
  3. angelicsage

    angelicsage Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I have to agree with Khasm...I will do the same. This is one of those works
    you have to ponder a little.
     
  4. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    whas up deepy? sorry that i'm just now getting back to this piece...i have been overworked and under the weather....now, this is what i think

    inside
    some darkened hole
    where GRACE
    took over
    and inner strength regenerated
    then
    out of the dark..
    eyes blinded by
    the blue skied light
    and
    into some hole
    packed down ...
    deep inthe dark again
    touching other roots
    feeling all the sap and juices
    in that hole
    where
    fecal smells engulf the nose
    permeates


    this is good wording....but considering that the middle passage boats were to hold 400 people is some sections and actually had 600 to 700 afrikans stuff in there at one time...i believe this stanza should be a lil darker...more reflective of the living hell that our ancestors had to suffer through so that we may now live today...i know you can pull some more darkness into that piece...and by darkness i mean hurt, pain, physical confinment and loss of oneself...
    have you started on the follow up piece yet?
    holla back poet....
    one love
    khasm
     
  5. deepy

    deepy going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    thanks khasm for your words...what you have actually done is made me understand somethings are really not clear...in fact the darken hole i speak of is not on the boats..(the boats are fecal smells, sap and juices, touching and cramed) the darken hole is where they were held first and then they stepped out into the light and on to the boats. In Senegal you can see the holes which were also small where they first sat crowded...
    so first i have to make this step clear...maybe i might have to go all the way back to the freedom and then the capture and then the holes and then the light and then the middle passage..
    anyway you look at it i have to make somthings clearer for the larger community.
    you have been helpful...and it is appreciated..
    as for the 2nd part i have definitely started working on it...just been really busy and the spirit seems to need to rest before moving into this form of creative energy..
     
  6. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Deepy, I like the way you've handled your business.
     
  7. deepy

    deepy going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    you too lpoetsought...
    you too....
     
  8. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    le me say this was a deep poetic vision of the hell our people struggled
    through i like the way you pose this poem from the pain of thy people
    just at the start the double words can be singled to give it , it's full depth
    this was awesome and heart felt thank u for the eye opener
     
  9. AHMOSE

    AHMOSE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    this piece got me thinking hmmm mad scientist back at work.
     
  10. deepy

    deepy going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    glad it got you thinking godsoulja....now i need to know thinking bout what...i can always use a mad scientists brilliance ...i await...
    or mad scientist getting ready to create his own? i still await..
     
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