Black Relationships : Sisters Want Someone To Blame For Their Bad Relationships

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Destee, Mar 22, 2010.

  1. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Peace and Blessings Family,

    It seems like Sisters want someone to blame for their bad relationships, and are willing to search high and low, way past their own selves, to lay that blame.

    If you are involved with a man, or ever have been, that continually or repeatedly mistreats you, abuses you, lies to you, cheats on you, doesn't contribute financially to you, beats you, does you in any kind of bad way ... that is not his fault or his Mother's ... that is your fault.

    No one makes a Sister stay with a Brother that treats her bad. She can give all kinds of reasons and excuses why she stayed, because he said he would do better, because he promised never to do that same thing again, because you had invested so much in the relationship and had hope ... whatever the reasons you choose to remain ... that is your choice and your choice alone.

    You can't remain in a bad relationship until it beats you ragged, you're bitter, angry with all men, and then want to lay fault at the feet of his Mother ... or even him ... because he obviously showed you what kind of Man he was ... and you stayed. He was honest enough, or foolish, however one looks at it, to show you what kind of man he was ... and you chose to stay.

    How is that on him, or even his Mother? He's only doing what you let him do to you. If you have no higher standard, none will be adhered to.

    Why aren't Sisters willing to accept responsibility for staying in these bad relationships, choosing rather to blame the Man and His Mother?

    Thanks in advance Family.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  2. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Sometimes we wonder why we are always dating the wrong guy...I believe there's some sort of attraction that attracts US to the wrong guys...

    It's also how we carry ourselves that can attract the wrong guy.

    It's like if you spray your self with sugar water...you're gonna attract mosquitos. Lie with a dog, you're gonna get fleas.

    It's like women in the club...They go in there dressed with a short SHORT skirt on....Breasts hanging out. And then they wonder why all these men wanna sleep with them and then have nothing to do with them in the end.

    HELLO!!!!!
     
  3. spicybrown

    spicybrown Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I never was the one to believe 'you are what you attract.' You can be sweet as pie, and chances are you will run into a few opportunist users. If you're submissive, you might attract a domineering a**hole. I tend to correct myself and say, "the company you KEEP, not MEET (initially), is a reflection of you." Yeah, I know, Potayto, patahto... but it sounds more reasonable in the corrected form, IMO. I was confused by the original saying at first.
     
  4. warriorprincess

    warriorprincess Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think that a lot of black people spend a lot of time building up the ego, instead of building up self. The ego is an image, a resurrected perception of self. It is either the self that you want to be, or the self that you think that you are. Either way it is not necessarily you.

    Ego is a great tool as long as it stays a tool. Ego can pull you out of one position and propel you to another. But some of us keep ego around as a permanent fixture.

    Ego can never be criticized because it is a perfect view of self. All some people have are their egos, because self is broken. To willingly break down the self is not likely amongst a race of survivors.

    We have to love ourselves and stop judging ourselves. I always say don’t judge people, judge behavior. I can admit to a lot of detrimental behavior that I have participated in only because I know that I am not my behavior. That behavior was something that I did but no longer do. I am not a stupid person, but I have done stupid things. I am not a horrible person but I have done horrible things.

    After we come to love ourselves and seek to better ourselves then we welcome constructive criticism. We want to see our weaknesses when we feel that we have the power to turn them into strengths. A person who knows her weaknesses cannot be manipulated. A person who knows her weaknesses is a formidable opponent. A person who knows her weaknesses can help another sister or brother to be strong.

    Also I have to say that I don’t think that it is healthy to take critique from anyone. Personal critique has to come from someone who knows me, respects me, and has my best interest at heart. Other than that which is personal, I tend to look anywhere that I can find it (friend or foe)

    My thoughts…..
     
  5. medusanegrita

    medusanegrita Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    This question actually has two parts.

    Why does a guy abuse.
    Why does a woman a stay with an abuser.

    In overly simplistic terms for the both of them - background, past experience, family (yes, that includes the mothers), community, religious preference (this has more effect on women and the reasons why they stay), societal mores and norms.

    All of these have bearing on how a person feels about themselves, what they are fighting against (outside and inside of themselves), and how they choose to manifest these two qualities. Women tend to punish the inside (themselves), men tend to punish the outside (other people).

    IMO mothers will not be exempt from the reasons of why sons abuse. Or why women stay with abusers. They are responsible.
    So are the fathers.
    So is any other part of their family.
    So is community.
    So is society.
    So is religion.

    All are responsible. All have some bearing on how that young man and woman have grown and turned out, what they think, and how they respond to their environment (including their intimate partners).

    And yes, you can hold me to that personally for my own children should you happen to know them and come in contact with them. If my son was abusive (which I don't see happening but...), then yeah, I take some responsibility and have little or no reluctance sharing with you some of his history and my mistakes that may have caused that behavior, and have no problem in trying to help rectify it. I am no longer afraid or taking or sharing in the responsibility of what my kids do.

    If my daughters stayed with an abuse man, or even got with one initially - you can hold me to that too. I am already teaching my 7 year old not to even play with boys that 'playfully' hit her, EVER. I am already preparing her at this stage that 'abuse' from guys is not to be tolerated. That is how early it starts. They get with an ***hole, holla at me. I take responsibility and I need to talk to my daughters (or sons), no matter how old they are. I will not tolerate my son abusing his partners, nor my daughters choosing men who abuse them.

    I remember... when those in 'authoritiy' spoke of making parents responsible for their teenagers actions - like getting a girl pregnant (parents would be financially responsible), or they didn't finish school or had problems in school, or the child vandalize, or whatever. I was against that. I thought 'wait a minute... this is a decision the child (often young adult) has made. The parents didn't make this decision! I don't want to be held responsible! We (as parents) should not be held responsible!'

    But the truth is... what our kids do and how they act are set forth by the examples we put out there and what we teach them, especially in extremes like abusive men/boys, and the women who stay in those types of relationships.

    We often ingrain in our daughters the importance of having a man, and what they must do to have a man. Yet we fail to teach them the types of man that they should have. Then we mess it up further by choosing ***holes to be with, setting up a negative example for both sons and daughters.

    Then society says that men are important (more important than us women at a dime a dozen), that men have a certain 'nature'; and that we, as females, are to compete for and put up with that 'certain nature' that men have. Our mothers, fathers, and families believed this too, and subliminally ingrained this message inside our heads. As a result, once we get a man, we try to do everything in our power to keep him ... promiscuous abusive nature and all.

    I know. It's hard to take responsibility for what our kids do. It's hard and it's scary! It's scary because it forces us to look at ourselves and what we did, the mistakes we made. But maybe... that's exactly what we need to do. No shame in my game on that.

    If I hold myself by that standard for my kids.... then I hold you to that standard for your kids.
     
  6. Ankhur

    Ankhur Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Please hear a brothers view of this

    I have seen this syndrome of sisters, favoring men who other men consider to be total jerks, idiots, losers, also winos and junkies ( not alcoholics or drug abusers, but folks who are **** faced on a daily basis and refuse help.) for over 30 years, and it puzzles me.

    Even saw it during childhood, you know the old Aunt Estah and Woodrow couples;
    that stuff is no stereotype, that stuff is for real!!!!

    I have never put my business in the street, but my sister who I love very much and care about has a taste for men who don't have a job, a home, a pot to ...so forth in or , not even a bill in their name.
    Her first mate was a "slacker from the lower east side, a nice guy but a slacker, and now at present her husband is a total zero, in his late 50s, with veteran status, in other words able to simply walk into over 12 civil service jobs in NYC, at a time when when jobs are scare,
    but refuses to work, and has lived off of her, (and now her inheritance), for 13 years.
     
  7. Kemetstry

    Kemetstry going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Ghost of Xmas Past!!!!



    I remember bringing up this topic a decade ago to derisive attacks *smh*

    Looking in the mirror is hard. It shows all your warts. It's easier to look at others warts. But that is a psychosis.

    When did the nice guy next door become the one not to date? Why have so many sisters decided to date and mate with bad boys? Why are they so popular? I think that is the root cause of this malady








    :em0200:
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2014
  8. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    its simple really.......

    the system of white supremacy makes fools of us all.
    we are taught to make bad decisions and self destructive choices. then we do what we are taught.

    the solution is to become well aware of the system of white supremacy and the pervasive influence it has in our thinking.
    when you are aware, it is simple to avoid the negative influence.
    when you are aware you can see it for what it is.
     
  9. Chevron Dove

    Chevron Dove Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    This is good advice.

    I've been in the 'stupid' situation many years ago. And I allowed the guy, his mother and grandmother to convince me to do something I never thought I would do and completely change my plans to transfer to another college. After he 'buttered me up' all summer and even after i took my brother over to meet him to see what he thought [he detested the guy...], still I changed my mind after I had already been accepted to another college and made the preparations to transfer. I was on my 'stupid way' back to the other college, following him, knowing the hell he had already put me through...

    ...I took a deep breath one sunny day, after he prompted me, and got out of my car, went into my house to make the announcement to my mom and family that I had changed my mind and was going back to the other college. I was hoping that, as usual, the response would be the usual, 'do what ever you want'. But that day, I was thrown an unexpected blow...My mother looked at me like I was crazy...and then she just went off...she freaked out on me...

    My mother was inconsistent in my raising and admitted that she suffers from anger attacks and was physically abusive to me. But that day, she came through for me. She broke my 'stupid' train of thought...it was only a few weeks later that that guy 'forgot about me' and was in another relationship. he wanted to punish me for not following him back and he did. it hurts so bad and i thought i would never get over it. But 'my girls' got me through one of the toughest times of my life [at that time] and one day I looked up at the college that I was at and noticed all of the beautiful men who had been giving me so much attention and I thought to myself, 'man what in the world is wrong with me!?...I look back after I finally graduated and believe that it was one of the best times of my life. When that guy came to visit me in college and in the summers and tried to run another game on me, I was already cured.

    I so appreciate the movie 'What's Love Got to Do With it'. Lawrence Fishburne just cracks me up in that movie. And Angela Basset, did such a good job. Tina Turner's story kinda touches a nerve. That movie is like therapy. The women in the movie are so beautiful and played realistic roles that i could identify with. I was too poor to ever get to see Tina in action but, she is an awesome person to overcome what she did. she's is electrifying.

    Thanks for this post. it touched a nerve.
     
  10. Chevron Dove

    Chevron Dove Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Wow! This is really good.
     
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