Black Parenting : Single parenthood, sometimes it's a choice made by the mother.

Discussion in 'Black Parenting' started by Black Squared, Mar 5, 2010.

  1. Black Squared

    Black Squared Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Two of the women I dated CHOOSE to have children by men they didn't want relationships with (myself excluded). Why is this happening so much in the black community? This isn't a positive thing. If the man isn't fit to be a father the mother knew this before having sex with him irresponsibly so why have a child that will be raised by a single mother on PURPOSE? I used to think that black males were just being cowards and not taking responsible for their children, I'm learning this isn't always the case. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that a single mother CAN'T raise good children but it is much harder to do and to CHOOSE to do this is gambling with that child(rens) life.

    I've heard the excuse "the child shouldn't have to suffer for my mistake" but the child DOES suffer if the mother is struggling to survive herself. We need to be more sexually responsible in the first place and stay out of these positions.
     
  2. Emerald_Queen

    Emerald_Queen Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think that sometimes in relationships it's not that easy to see at a first glance...I am a single mother of 2 (I have a boyfriend) however, I am not married. I would not say that I choose to become a single mother because I choose a relationship that was not going to last..that however was never the case. I was in a good relationship that I thought would lead me to marriage. It however did not!

    I took procausions to make sure I wouldn't have any kids except conception is in the hands of God and I ended up having 2 children. HE left me and so I moved on to a better person in my life. You're thought about it being the womans choice is also upon a man as well, he should make sure that everything is on the up and up before engaging in sexual activies as well. I do not see it as a one sided equation.

    Another thought I would like to put out is what about couples that are indeed married; and for whatever reason the marriage did not work out, are you saying then it's still the womans choice? Marriage is on both parties as I see it in a relationship...
     
  3. Black Squared

    Black Squared Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I agree BUT once a woman becomes pregnant and CHOOSES to have the child knowing the man will not be a part of the child's life is the issue I'm addressing.

    Also I do think that a failed relationship still has it's signs from the beginning. If you date a guy who is the "player" type when you meet him, he will most likely remain that way. Those types are good at hiding it from women but there are other men in that woman's life who tell her that her dude is this type and they ignore it. The tough guy type, the player type are NOT going to work in a relationship, period. When you date that type you are asking for a short term relationship and others around you are probably telling you as much but you need to listen. So late on when it fails the excuse that "I didn't know" is no good.
     
  4. cherryblossom

    cherryblossom Banned MEMBER

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    Any woman who has unprotected sex outside of marriage is behaving foolishly.

    Any man who has unprotected sex outside of marriage is behaving foolishly.

    Even with birth control methods like the Pill or the Depo shot or any other non-pharmaceutical contraceptives for women or condoms for men, NONE of them are 100% protection.

    So, there is a risk of pregnancy no matter what preventive measures are taken.

    And if both parties are not ready or receptive to being parents, then that is the "Roulette" that fornication/"casual sex" is.

    But, even some protection is better than none.


    "No glove, no love" should be a mandate for men and women.
     
  5. Black Squared

    Black Squared Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Exactly. You run the risk of becoming a possible family everytime you engage in the act of sex. If you are not prepared at least mentally to handle that then you need to refrain from sex. To have sex with someone you wouldn't want to have a family with is insane.
     
  6. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Brother Black Squared ... Welcome Welcome Welcome ... :wave:

    Thanks for joining us and sharing so respectfully! :toast:

    The title of this thread suggests that there is a choice being made by the prospective Mother, that is not being made by the prospective Father, when both agree to the act that may create the child. I see some of the Sisters have spoke on that, so i won't belabor it, as i agree with them.

    You said, If the man isn't fit to be a father the mother knew this before having sex with him irresponsibly so why have a child that will be raised by a single mother on PURPOSE? I used to think that black males were just being cowards and not taking responsible for their children, I'm learning this isn't always the case. ... and i believe it excuses men on so many levels.

    First ... the same ability the Sister has, to recognize this person may not be a good parent ... is the same ability the Brother has.

    Yet you're only requiring the Sister to recognize and be accountable. If she can be held responsible for choosing a poor parent, then so can he.

    What stands out most to me, is that you've determined the woman may somehow be more irresponsible, by shouldering the whole responsibility of raising a child (Single Mother) ... when the man who should be sharing equally in the same responsibility ... completely bailed out.

    If a man has sex with a woman, creates a child, and leaves her to be a single Mother ... that act seems very intentional, on purpose, and is a much worse consequence to the child than the Mother is leaving the child in (because at least, she's not leaving the child, like him).

    The Mother is willing to remain with the child ... live up to her choices, responsibilities, etc. ... no matter how difficult it is ... for her entire life, struggling to raise it alone.

    That seems to me, a great show of responsibility, way above and beyond what the man does, when he walks away from the child.

    To chastise the women in these situations, without speaking to the glaring failure by the Brothers involved, is not fair.

    Instead of lifting her up, because she has been willing to live up to the consequences of her choices, you want to fuss at her ... and excuse the man ... that actually leaves and makes no sacrifice, lives up to no responsibility, as it relates to his child, his choices, and his consequences.

    A Parent that stays with their children, does their best to raise them, can never be the irresponsible one, when the other Parent leaves and does none of these things.

    Now, i do agree, that women should put a whole lot more thought into these choices and decisions, for they are the only ones that must carry the child for 9 months, and they are more often than not, tied down with the child for the rest of their lives, often alone .... yes ... it will probably cost Sisters more for the bad decision ... a very heavy burden to bear by herself ... but that's only because somehow, men have excused themselves from any responsibility ... to the degree that you are here now, talking about the irresponsibility of single Mothers ... when the Fathers are equally responsible and nowhere to be found ... they walked out ... they left ... they've gone on to build other Families ... she stayed with the child they created, and she is the irresponsible one?

    That doesn't add up.

    Unfortunately, Black Women see how easily Black Men leave their children, responsibilities, consequences of choices, etc., and they are doing it too.

    More and more, we're seeing Sisters walk away from their children, just like Brothers have been doing ... with no apparent remorse.

    The "Single Parenting" we thought was such a problem ... we find there is a worse one ... "No Parenting" ... because both walk away from their child.

    I can appreciate Brothers trying to get Sisters straight ... but not when Brothers' collective behavior is even worse ... and not one Brother is honestly addressing it.

    I agree with the title of the thread ... Single parenthood, sometimes it's a choice made by the mother ... it's just not complete ... it should include Father too.

    Again, thanks for joining us, and please make yourself at home ... because you are.

    Much Love and Peace.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  7. Black Squared

    Black Squared Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    lol, it's a given that it's sometimes a choice made by the father, we see that all too often. I am addressing the flip side this. Up until a few years ago I thought it was ONLY black men making ignorant decisions to just stay out of the childs life, I'm addressing in this topic the female side that doesn't WANT the male in the childs life.

    Both are irresponsible, I'm not excusing men at all.
     
  8. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    A woman has no right to act on such a WANT, to keep a child from their Father, or the Father from their child.

    If a Brother is going through this, he has options ... the same options she'll be using, to get child support.

    The next sentence are your own words ... except i switched the man / woman parts ... to show you it works both ways :

    "If the woman isn't fit to be a mother the father knew this before having sex with her irresponsibly so why have a child that will be raised by a single mother on PURPOSE?

    You said ... "I used to think that black males were just being cowards and not taking responsible for their children, I'm learning this isn't always the case."

    If that's not the case ... what is the case?

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  9. Black Squared

    Black Squared Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Like I said, most of the time it's the male who leaves and chooses to stay out of the childs life BUT there are some women who choose to raise the child without the father in the childs life. Some choose to have the child anyway KNOWING the father wants no part of it because they feel "the child shouldn't have to suffer for their mistake" their meaning the mistake of both parties. In the case where the woman becomes pregnant by accident both the man and woman need to have it (and I know some may disagree but it makes more sense than having an unwanted child) aborted. The child DOES suffer from having a broken home, the current state of black people proves this. yes there is a CHANCE that the child will grow up and be fine but if the mother is working and raising the children alone the children are left to their own devices when she is at work for the most part and if they are around negative influences they will do as they do ad there will be no one there to keep them in check. The mother doesn't it alone in a two family household and vice versa. The child needs the balance of both parents.
     
  10. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    So, the answer to my question is ... the case is not that men are being irresponsible, it's that women are being selfish, by choosing to have their baby?

    So ... it's back to being the woman's fault?

    No man ever has to face such a situation, contemplating an unwanted pregnancy, the fear of your money being taken before you even see it, or worse yet, jail time. He never has to deal with an unreasonable woman, at such an intimate level ... parenting together ... courts, lawyers, etc. ... if he keeps his penis in his pants.

    It's a real easy and responsible solution, that puts all the control in the Brothers hands.

    Instead of that ... no ... he'd rather relinquish the control he has on the front end, and beg for it to be returned on the back end ... by having irresponsible sex with women he has no intention of marrying, parenting with, etc., ... and if a child is conceived ... get the woman to agree to kill the baby ... and call her selfish if she doesn't.

    Hmmmm ... i suppose that's a way to be responsible ... but not the best way.

    It's been a pleasure.

    Much Love and Peace.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
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