Black Relationships : should married men still go to clubs?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by godsschild, Mar 24, 2009.

  1. godsschild

    godsschild New Member MEMBER

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    What does anyone think of a married man still going out to clubs all night from Saturday night until Sunday 7:00am once a week despite his wife's objections?
     
  2. phynxofkemet

    phynxofkemet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Simply Put

    No.
     
  3. godsschild

    godsschild New Member MEMBER

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    married men still clubbing

    The reason I ask is that this is my current situation in my marriage. We have been married about seven years, have two minor children, and his 21 year old son, and he continues to go to clubs once a week from Saturday night until Sunday 7:00am. His reason is to hang out with his friends, two are married and one is not married but in a relationship with his baby's mother, and to just be in the environment. he swears he is not cheating. I do not like the club scene but he has not wanted me to go with him. as I write this I know it sounds obvious what is going on but I still want to believe him. So this is why I present this to my black community, as a sister trying to stay committed to my vows and stick through the marriage but still needs a reality check from anyone willing to respond.
    God Bless :em2900:
     
  4. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Sister GodssChild ... Welcome ... :wave:

    I'm guessing you're a Sister ... maybe even the wife in the scenario you've presented ... ??

    What do i think of what you've said ? ... hmmm ... i think that husband is doing what he wants to do, regardless of his wife.

    Is it right ... ?? ... well ... "right" is relative, as he obviously feels it's some kinda way "right" for him to do, since he's doing it.

    I'm more inclined to think of the wife though, in this situation, and not the husband.

    For example, i'm wondering ... is it "right" for the wife to put up with this, if her desires are being ignored by her husband?

    Using the same logic now, as above, i'm inclined to believe it's what she wants to do ... put up with being disregarded.

    While that is not "right" to me ... nor is his behavior ... but if they choose to live in it, so be it.

    I don't know if any of that made sense ... it's kinda late here ... but i do hope it helps.

    Thanks for joining us, and please make yourself at home, because you are.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  5. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Hey Sister ... 7 years is a long time, babies, you've both invested a lot, and have even more reason to try and work it out. Yeah, it reeks of the obvious, but i surely understand your desire to give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps all the time knowing, that it may be happening, and preparing to brace yourself for that revelation (should it come). You know we usually know they are messing up, long before the evidence is all out in the front yard and stuff.

    Not an easy situation to be in. You have a lot at stake.

    Maybe try to talk to him seriously, see where the relationship is ... the fact that he's disregarding your wishes (every single week) is not a good sign. I could see him compromising a little, maybe one or two weekends a month, instead of every single one, but you aren't getting even that. He's taking everything he wants, and leaving you worried and hurting. That's not good, even if there is no other woman in the picture.

    Maybe work on fixing that part first ... restoring the respect for your wishes.

    Giving him what he needs, to be able to easily do that ... though i have no idea what that might be.

    Talk to him ... do all you can to maintain the lives you've built together ... so if push does come to shove, you can know you did all you could, to make it work.

    Good Luck!

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  6. godsschild

    godsschild New Member MEMBER

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    married man clubbing

    Thank You Destee for your response. This is true I am the one in the situation and your words are true. I am not making excuses of why I am tolerating this but as a child I suffered years of abuse and had to learn to tolerate it, now I am in therapy to heal from that and am learning to begin to love myself. The journey is still ongoing and I have seperated from my husband and even moved to my own apartment but went back to him shortly thereafter, fearful of losing what I imagine we have a family. I am being brutally honest in prayer that without judgements, the responses will help me to wake up and move towards what I know I need to do but am terrified to do and that is to love me and my worth and stop allowing anyone to disregard my voice as they did when I was young.
    God Bless:eeek:
     
  7. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Yes Sister, it seems you are on the right path, loving your self first and foremost.

    It's a road that has been hard to find for many a Black Woman it seems. Whether we were abused as children, Fatherless, Motherless, or had our whole Families surrounding us and loving us ... the world does not make it easy, for us to love ourselves. In fact, most all images i see, don't even hint at our worth, beauty, or love for self. You are not alone Sister, no matter your background. Many of us suffer from the same challenge, of trying to get on this path (of loving ourselves) and staying on it.

    I think you already know what must be done.

    As i continue growing, learning how to love myself, i'm amazed at how many of us don't.

    We quickly want to fuss about what the Brother is doing. How he's mistreating us, how he's hurting us, lying to us, cheating on us, blah, blah, blah ... when he could do none of these things to us (continually) ... if we did not let him.

    We are more guilty than he is i believe, for we have a greater responsibility to our own happiness, than anyone else does.

    The very things we complain about, we put up with.

    I'm no psychologist, but it seems we manifest some very psychotic behavior.

    We are in full control of what we allow others to do to us, yet we remain in places, crying, about how someone is mistreating us ... instead of getting up and moving to a place where we are not mistreated.

    Just typing this reminds me of the slave mentality often spoke of regarding our Ancestors. When they were freed, many did not even leave the plantation. We manifest like behavior, when we remain where we are mistreated.

    Yes Sister ... Love Your Self ... so you can teach your babies, how to love their selves.

    If you don't know how, you can't teach them.

    Remain Forever Encouraged.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  8. godsschild

    godsschild New Member MEMBER

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    thnak you for your encouraging words.
    God bless
     
  9. Da Street So'ja

    Da Street So'ja Banned MEMBER

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    this is your husband

    i could see once or 2x a month but every week?

    can't he take you one week

    or instead of going there you guys go some place together

    i'm all for giving space BUT EVERY WEEK

    maybe you should start doing the same thing

    let's see how that plays out

    i'm not trying to start trouble here

    but what's good for the goose should be good......................................

    well you know the rest
     
  10. LindaChavis

    LindaChavis Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Here is what I would do...

    ..get your own life as he has his. You also might want to have this conversation with him that you do not like his going out every weekend particulary without you and what does he plan on doing about it.

    I do have some questions also. Did he go out before you married ? Did he go out after you married or is this new behavior? Did he take you out on dates after you married? If he is not "courting" you, what is it you do to keep the romance going? I dont want the answer, these are questions you should ask yourself.
     
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