Black Relationships : Should I have told her?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Realguyjeff, Aug 3, 2004.

  1. Realguyjeff

    Realguyjeff Active Member MEMBER

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    I have a situation that I would really like to get a lot of opinions on. It’s pretty interesting because anybody in here that is in a relationship might find themselves in this situation. So hopefully I won’t bore you. This is the situation. First and foremost understand that I am in a very serious relationship, not a friendship. Ok my lady and I were having a conversation and she made the point that I was very private. She proceeded to name everything I knew about her, and she was right I did know pretty much everything one could know about a person about her. She also knew just about as much about me. In fact she knew so much that the one thing she could think of that was even close to person that she didn’t know was the password to my yahoo e-mail, lol. Now at this point, since she was obviously hinting that she would like to know I said this, “If you would like to know my yahoo e-mail password, then just ask. Just say Jeff I would like to know your yahoo password”. She refused to ask and said that I should just tell her. I wondered why, if it was something you had no problem hinting at, it would be something you would have a problem asking, if you didn’t think anything was wrong with asking in the first place?
    Now bear in mind that I do know her e-mail addresses. There are three. One I know because she wanted me to see something on her black planet page so she just gave it to me. Later she forgot the name to the account so I’m guessing it wasn’t very important in the first place. The other two I “checked” for her because she was expecting some important stuff from school but in no case was it something I asked for or was offered out of the blue.

    My question is why not just ask if it’s important that you know? Or is it something one should just offer out of the blue (wouldn’t that seem a little fishy?)
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    hey Jeff !
    it can go both ways , you can just give it to her if nothing to hide also if you
    really wanted her to have it as well as she could ask for it without all the hints
    and talking around it ,
    did she just want it because you know her's or she feel it's only fair to have it
    like you have her's ???? answer this to your self and see how you feel and this
    will say if you should or shouldn't and if your wrong for not just giving it to her
    i really don't see the big deal over it , but i say no you didn't have to just give it
    out to her if she didn't ask for it !
     
  3. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I know my wife's email passwords, and she knows mine. However this is not necessary information, and you should not feel obligated to give it. This being said, the choice is strictly up to you.
     
  4. ZeroGravity

    ZeroGravity Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I watched my mother one day eat something that I wanted a piece of. I sat there drooling and looking at her like "aren't you going to ask me if I want some?"...she keep on eating. After it was gone, she got up to wash the dish and I followed her into the kitchen and finally said something like "mom, you knew I wanted some why didn't you offer me a bite?" She told me, if you want something you have to persue it, don't wait for someone to offer you something all the time, it might not happen.

    Sometimes we don't know what's important to others and they would have to persue the information they want. If she wants to know, I think she should ask. You've made it clear that's all she has to do is ask.
     
  5. Realguyjeff

    Realguyjeff Active Member MEMBER

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    Zerogravity, I think that’s a very good way of looking at the situation. I’ve tried to be as objective about it as possible but every time I tried to convince myself that maybe I should have just offered it, I fall well short of being persuaded. I am convinced however, that she felt bad about asking for it, and was looking for the “easy way out” by waiting for me to “offer it”. I think the reason this whole state of affairs interest me so much, is because it raises the question, “Does the concept of something being mine still exist in a deep relationship”. My answer to that is that it should. Even if the right is never exercised it’s a comforting thing to know that I can exist as an individual from time to time without feeling guilty about it.
     
  6. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Brother Jeff this can go both ways. I think the best thing to do is to be open and understanding and keep the communcation flowing, and respect her right to privacy as much as you want yours respected. At least you guys are communicating, most serious people do not even talk.
     
  7. ZeroGravity

    ZeroGravity Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Great Question

    Thats a great question and one I think is asked by many. I think the answer doesn't really matter as long as the concept is shared, understood and respected by the other mate. I asked a similar question but more directed toward a particular thing, I asked the question about finances (joint, separate or special accounts) in a relationship. Whatever works for the couple is the ultimate answer, regardless of the concept or individual perspectives of the matter.

    I wish you well.
     
  8. jazzymoonchild

    jazzymoonchild Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hello,

    I think you did the right thing. As a female, I will say this, and I speak ONLY on my behalf. I do not want to know a brother's passwords and such. I am not trying to crack the code to your cell, or your answering machine. None of that. If you give me something, because you ASK me to check it for you, fine. If I feel the need to have you check something for me, I will ask you. I personally think that asking for those things is a trust issue. Some folks have it, some don't. When you get to a point where you are in a serious relationship, deeply involved couple or marriage, there shouldn't be secrets, but yes, each person must keep some form of individuality. You are together, but you don't become her anymore than she becomes you.

    If she wants it, she should ask for it. You're both adults and you appear to have very good communication. You could just give it to her, if you are feeling generous, but at this stage, you should be able to ask each other for what you want. I don't take it as a matter of hiding things, you have a life and outside interests, not romantic relationships, which do not necessarily include her all the time and vice versa.
     
  9. caramelpython

    caramelpython Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    LOL

    Bro just give her the password if you have nothing to hide!
    because if your relationship is important to you then this will save it and kill any thoughts in her mind that somthing might be going on or might go on in ght future. yes she is the one who want's to know but does it matter in the end? she just want's to know she wont have to ask u for it to get it.
    It's a win loose position...lol
     
  10. Realguyjeff

    Realguyjeff Active Member MEMBER

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    I appreciate the perspective Jazzymoonchild, you had a lot of very interesting things to say, as did everybody who responded. Yes we do have good communicatioin so I don't think yahoo will be the end of us :laugh:
     
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