Black Poetry : Shortchanged...and I got some back! *VERY EMOTIONAL PEACE*

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by DymePlaya2g, Dec 16, 2008.

  1. DymePlaya2g

    DymePlaya2g Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I can't take
    another diagnosis
    I can't take
    another therapy session
    I can't take
    another shot
    I can't take
    another lab test
    I can't take
    the waiting room
    the receptionist
    the scale
    the therapist
    the needles
    the doctor
    the papers
    the symptoms
    the words
    the Words
    THE WORDS

    F*** ME UP!!!

    They f*** me up they're all i hear is posttraumaticstressdepressionanorexianauseamedicationcholesterolsodiumsustivavireademtrivabloodtesthowareyoufeelingineedtoseeyouintwoweeks

    and now I'm
    Lying in bed
    shaking
    crying
    trying to catch
    whatever breath I have left
    but it left
    I think because it didn't
    wanna see me cry
    and if I can't even keep
    breath by my side
    or inside
    then the illogical rational
    voice says I should die
    I Should die I Should DIE I SHOULD DIE
    and I agree
    I can't argue
    why would I?
    I know I'm loved but I should die
    I'm gonna die because
    I've one more tried
    and one more chanced
    and advanced whatever false courage
    I could call
    because it's the only one that answered
    and my backs against the wall

    I'll take
    tylenol with codeine (for pain)
    celexa and
    wellbutrin (for depression)
    Xanax (for anxiety)
    Marinol (to stimulate appetite)
    Deca-durabolin (to gain weight)
    ATRIPLA to decrease my viral load
    and increase my t-cells
    I'm already living in some kinda hell
    moreso because I can witness happiness
    and this happy sh**
    just ain't helpin' it
    and I need to see more people
    like me

    not happy trees
    I don't wanna see
    flowers
    my soul was overcome
    and my heart
    aint a coward but
    I can't take another
    minute
    15, 30
    and not an hour

    I have to end it all now
    I'll pop every last pill
    in my mouth
    and finally lay it on down
    I'm
    gonna
    lay
    it
    on
    d
    o
    o
    o
    w
    w
    w
    w
    n
    n

    flashing lights
    sirens
    foot steps running up the stairs
    full of tears
    my mother
    best friend
    paramedics
    DAVID
    DAVID!
    DAVID!!!

    What did he take?
    somehow I scream
    EVERYTHING
    and its over now
    (at least I think?)
    but dont know
    who's gonna explain to Jesus
    how overwhelmed I was feeling
    and why I can't go on

    but I'm free
    I'm FREE
    I'm FINALLY FREE

    WAIT...
    Why are you hands on me?
    where are you taking me?
    why is that needle sticking me?
    Is that an I.V.???
    don't put that tube down
    my throat
    Why does no one get it but me?
    I'm dying
    let me be
    save yourself
    I wanna be free
    I need to be free

    I
    fall
    asleep

    ****! This b***h cut my shirt off
    I'm glad she didn't cut my shorts
    and left my gray and white socks alone
    ****! What are these little pads stuck
    all over my body?

    and why am I so hungry?
    Why is it so cold?
    Why are we at the psychiatric hospital now?
    Why are my lips black?
    Why don't I know who you are?
    Why didn't anyone get some some shoes?
    Why...you think I'm crazy?
    You really think I'm crazy!

    And why am I not free?

    I can't have a belt
    or even shoestrings
    I speak when I'm spoken to
    and eat when I'm told to
    I sleep as soon as I wake up
    and to really pass the time
    and then it's time for
    medication
    This crazy chick threw her coffee
    watch her get sedated

    Really, where am I?

    I'm at a place that I'd never thought I'd be. I'm at the end of my beginning and the beginning of start. Life always seems to know better than I do, what I'm capable of, and what I still have left to do. My dis-ease isn't who I am, or what I'm becoming, or who I can only be. I fully and gratefully accept my place, wash my face, and begin again as only the best ME that I can be!!!
     
  2. Da Street So'ja

    Da Street So'ja Banned MEMBER

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    yes

    this is that new world order i speak of the "medicated state"

    it's even more crazy when you don't really "belong" in that "state"


    what's crazy is thinking this ish ain't crazy lol

    so because you act crazy to the crazy that makes you crazy? doesn't make sense right it's not supposed to

    you see the light and begin again

    with greater focus

    peace on the journey

    :welldone:
     
  3. DymePlaya2g

    DymePlaya2g Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    "Medicated state" indeed. For every new pill I take, there ends up having or needing to be another one to accompany it and then one for that one, and one for that one, and I end up so far from the original diagnosis that I have to consciously think about what I have.

    I'm not really crazy but it made me crazy when they didn't listen. I'm OVERLY conscious, and according to Dostoevsky, that itself is a sickness.

    But...my prayer has never been more sincere, and my faith has never been stronger.

    Thanks for the read.

    LOVE&RESPECT,
    DP2G
     
  4. Rashad

    Rashad Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Good that one is able to begin a new and try to stay in a good place...Keep flowing about it...
     
  5. DymePlaya2g

    DymePlaya2g Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Rashad- AMEN!!! and long time no see. Good to see ya here.

    LOVE&RESPECT,
    DP2g
     
  6. 4EVERLUV

    4EVERLUV Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    DymePlaya2g:
    Very emotional indeed. I am still just
    overwhelmed by this piece. So since
    I cannot at this moment articulate
    words to comment on what I read
    I want to comment on how well
    the emotions where expressed.
    To even be able to pen such a
    scribe shows much strenght in you.
    So you continue to stay strong my
    friend.

    Much Luv
     
  7. sarcasm4eva

    sarcasm4eva Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    i overstand the emotions you displayed.most of the time pills make u more sick.you can and will work throught it. there are people that care about and love you, never forget that. sorry this is long,i am goin thru this with my man and eerily enough,his name is david also. keep ya head up (opening arms for a hug)
     
  8. DymePlaya2g

    DymePlaya2g Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    4EVERLUV- It was about a month ago today that all of this transpired and I'm finally able to speak about it. I've released it, and it feels so freeing. Although you couldn't formulate THE words, im glad you took the time to read and send love.

    Sarcasm4eva- Keep your King uplifted ALWAYS because it's hard to know at what moment he'll be going thru something he can't express and will need you and not know how to ask.

    LOVE&RESPECT,
    DP2G
     
  9. Da Street So'ja

    Da Street So'ja Banned MEMBER

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    i could see someone named "DOSTOEVSKY" saying being OVERLY conscious is a sickness why would it be any other way? you know "they" crazy:qqb006:

    unbelievable

    their "conscious" is not pure conscious but a "conscious" of fear
     
  10. watzinaname

    watzinaname Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Sometimes we can over think things, over process things, perhaps that's just a small part of where you are... I am thinking that you are highly intelligent, and that some day you will slow your pace and find your place in this world, for we all have a place within it. Much respect and admiration for flowing about your experiences, and keep on writing, even if you don't post it all. Peace.
     
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