I can't take another diagnosis I can't take another therapy session I can't take another shot I can't take another lab test I can't take the waiting room the receptionist the scale the therapist the needles the doctor the papers the symptoms the words the Words THE WORDS F*** ME UP!!! They f*** me up they're all i hear is posttraumaticstressdepressionanorexianauseamedicationcholesterolsodiumsustivavireademtrivabloodtesthowareyoufeelingineedtoseeyouintwoweeks and now I'm Lying in bed shaking crying trying to catch whatever breath I have left but it left I think because it didn't wanna see me cry and if I can't even keep breath by my side or inside then the illogical rational voice says I should die I Should die I Should DIE I SHOULD DIE and I agree I can't argue why would I? I know I'm loved but I should die I'm gonna die because I've one more tried and one more chanced and advanced whatever false courage I could call because it's the only one that answered and my backs against the wall I'll take tylenol with codeine (for pain) celexa and wellbutrin (for depression) Xanax (for anxiety) Marinol (to stimulate appetite) Deca-durabolin (to gain weight) ATRIPLA to decrease my viral load and increase my t-cells I'm already living in some kinda hell moreso because I can witness happiness and this happy sh** just ain't helpin' it and I need to see more people like me not happy trees I don't wanna see flowers my soul was overcome and my heart aint a coward but I can't take another minute 15, 30 and not an hour I have to end it all now I'll pop every last pill in my mouth and finally lay it on down I'm gonna lay it on d o o o w w w w n n flashing lights sirens foot steps running up the stairs full of tears my mother best friend paramedics DAVID DAVID! DAVID!!! What did he take? somehow I scream EVERYTHING and its over now (at least I think?) but dont know who's gonna explain to Jesus how overwhelmed I was feeling and why I can't go on but I'm free I'm FREE I'm FINALLY FREE WAIT... Why are you hands on me? where are you taking me? why is that needle sticking me? Is that an I.V.??? don't put that tube down my throat Why does no one get it but me? I'm dying let me be save yourself I wanna be free I need to be free I fall asleep ****! This b***h cut my shirt off I'm glad she didn't cut my shorts and left my gray and white socks alone ****! What are these little pads stuck all over my body? and why am I so hungry? Why is it so cold? Why are we at the psychiatric hospital now? Why are my lips black? Why don't I know who you are? Why didn't anyone get some some shoes? Why...you think I'm crazy? You really think I'm crazy! And why am I not free? I can't have a belt or even shoestrings I speak when I'm spoken to and eat when I'm told to I sleep as soon as I wake up and to really pass the time and then it's time for medication This crazy chick threw her coffee watch her get sedated Really, where am I? I'm at a place that I'd never thought I'd be. I'm at the end of my beginning and the beginning of start. Life always seems to know better than I do, what I'm capable of, and what I still have left to do. My dis-ease isn't who I am, or what I'm becoming, or who I can only be. I fully and gratefully accept my place, wash my face, and begin again as only the best ME that I can be!!!