Black Relationships : Sharing my background with sisters

I had a long reply, but I decided to cut it short.

Who brings it up first should be irrelevant when you think about it. That's what makes it feel like a chess game. Whoever you're sleeping with is going to want to know sooner or later.

Maybe your questions can be better answered by the ones who make too big a deal out of where a brother grew up than where he is, and where he's going.

I never had any problem getting any dates because of where I'm from, and I never meant to indicate that. Almost everybody in my generation was either born in the inner-city or some poor part of the South. So I don't let that hold me back. It's just that it can sometime make a relationship a little complicated when your lady is holding back, but want you to volunteer all your information about where you grew up.


First off, you didn't answer the most pertinent question in my post, namely, what do you expect them to say, want them to say, would please you MOST if they said it, when you give the neighborhood of your childhood? :huh: That's what all this seems to hinge on, your angst at NOT hearing what you want to hear.

At any rate, darn near EVERY black adult today was born either in the inner-city or some poor area of the South. It is only with the last generation that blacks in any significant numbers obtained college degrees and/or were born outside the ghetto or "some poor area of the South." In other words, you're no exception..... which is why I was baffled at some woman looking at you sideways because of where you were raised when, more than likely, she was raised in the same type environment.

Which bring us to the "holding back" part while wanting you to volunteer info about YOUR background. One thing that happens to me (a lot!) is that people volunteer info about themselves.... out of the blue! There's no leading up to the information, just "here I am-this is me!" For ex., a g/f and I were coming home from a good time clubbing and a couple blocks from her house (I was driving), she... out of the blue!.... said, "I was molested as a child." How was I supposed to come back at that? I was dumbfounded that she would just, suddenly, volunteer that info, and upset because I knew she wanted to talk about it.... but not ME! My head was swimming at this unexpected news. At another time I'd have been happy to be supportive of her, but she caught me completely off-guard. So I said nothing.

I'm a widow. I've had guys "volunteer" sexual info about their relationships, early on, and without prompting, and expecting me to share all the salacious details of sex with my husband. Since he wasn't weird or unsatisfying beneath the sheets, and I wasn't working out any problems, I considered it to be none of their business. Or, as they say: "you don't know me like that!" I wasn't carrying any excess baggage from my marital bed and saw no reason to drag it into a new relationship. Especially when we have not AGREED that we're in the "I'll tell you my secrets, you tell me yours," stage.

Since I work at home and they never see me go OUT to work, nosy neighbors want to know 'where I get my money from.' One elderly guy who lives on the next block stopped me while I blowing leaves from my yard. He was pleasant enough, but then he told me, "I get my money from Social Security." Then smiled expectantly. What the....!? NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

In short, you may be jumping the gun with volunteering info about the neighborhood of your youth. Or, not "leading up" to this info. If you feel a person out, give SOME preamble to what you're about to talk about, and that you want reciprocal information, you'll prolly get a better response. As in, "I don't want to talk about that now." In which case, you keep your info to yourself! It is neither requested nor wanted.... at least, not at this time.

Btw, sleep with him or not, I've never asked any man about the neighborhood he was born and/or raised in. Perhaps because I have a 'sympathetic' face, :10500: and sooner or later they WILL tell me. And if not, I can always figure out a person's "neighborhood" :huh: through how they talk, dress, go about achieving their goals.... if they have any.

Like I said - I'm proud of what I've made of my life with the cards fate dealt me at birth. As are, I might add, ALL my siblings, who like myself, put their OWN selves through college and are now respected members of their professional communities. Any man who would think he could "look down" on me because of a situation "out of my control," would never even make it to my bed. I like my men with a little substance, and attempting (aint' happenin' with this sista! :bellydance:) to belittle me for my "parents'" choice of living arrangements would make me, well, laugh in their pathetic little faces. Plus, kick them to the curb.
 
First off, you didn't answer the most pertinent question in my post, namely, what do you expect them to say, want them to say, would please you MOST if they said it, when you give the neighborhood of your childhood? :huh: That's what all this seems to hinge on, your angst at NOT hearing what you want to hear.

At any rate, darn near EVERY black adult today was born either in the inner-city or some poor area of the South. It is only with the last generation that blacks in any significant numbers obtained college degrees and/or were born outside the ghetto or "some poor area of the South." In other words, you're no exception..... which is why I was baffled at some woman looking at you sideways because of where you were raised when, more than likely, she was raised in the same type environment.

Which bring us to the "holding back" part while wanting you to volunteer info about YOUR background. One thing that happens to me (a lot!) is that people volunteer info about themselves.... out of the blue! There's no leading up to the information, just "here I am-this is me!" For ex., a g/f and I were coming home from a good time clubbing and a couple blocks from her house (I was driving), she... out of the blue!.... said, "I was molested as a child." How was I supposed to come back at that? I was dumbfounded that she would just, suddenly, volunteer that info, and upset because I knew she wanted to talk about it.... but not ME! My head was swimming at this unexpected news. At another time I'd have been happy to be supportive of her, but she caught me completely off-guard. So I said nothing.

I'm a widow. I've had guys "volunteer" sexual info about their relationships, early on, and without prompting, and expecting me to share all the salacious details of sex with my husband. Since he wasn't weird or unsatisfying beneath the sheets, and I wasn't working out any problems, I considered it to be none of their business. Or, as they say: "you don't know me like that!" I wasn't carrying any excess baggage from my marital bed and saw no reason to drag it into a new relationship. Especially when we have not AGREED that we're in the "I'll tell you my secrets, you tell me yours," stage.

Since I work at home and they never see me go OUT to work, nosy neighbors want to know 'where I get my money from.' One elderly guy who lives on the next block stopped me while I blowing leaves from my yard. He was pleasant enough, but then he told me, "I get my money from Social Security." Then smiled expectantly. What the....!? NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

In short, you may be jumping the gun with volunteering info about the neighborhood of your youth. Or, not "leading up" to this info. If you feel a person out, give SOME preamble to what you're about to talk about, and that you want reciprocal information, you'll prolly get a better response. As in, "I don't want to talk about that now." In which case, you keep your info to yourself! It is neither requested nor wanted.... at least, not at this time.

Btw, sleep with him or not, I've never asked any man about the neighborhood he was born and/or raised in. Perhaps because I have a 'sympathetic' face, :10500: and sooner or later they WILL tell me. And if not, I can always figure out a person's "neighborhood" :huh: through how they talk, dress, go about achieving their goals.... if they have any.

Like I said - I'm proud of what I've made of my life with the cards fate dealt me at birth. As are, I might add, ALL my siblings, who like myself, put their OWN selves through college and are now respected members of their professional communities. Any man who would think he could "look down" on me because of a situation "out of my control," would never even make it to my bed. I like my men with a little substance, and attempting (aint' happenin' with this sista! :bellydance:) to belittle me for my "parents'" choice of living arrangements would make me, well, laugh in their pathetic little faces. Plus, kick them to the curb.

what do you expect them to say, want them to say, would please you MOST if they said it, when you give the neighborhood of your childhood?
anything besides nothing. I mean a lot of educated women these day don't even like talking black, which doesn't automatically, mean
talking ghetto or hood. They like to talk in that, what they call, a becky voice these days. Then you have some that mumble while doing it, making it worst. Then when they slip up and use a phrase like, "child, let me tell you" or some similar phrase black woman use, they act as though you caught them with their hand in the cocky jar. Then when I get relaxed and start talking to them like they're family, they want to look at me like I'm ghetto, smh. I don't really mind when a sister talk that becky talk, as long as they aren't mumbling when they do it, or as long as they don't over do it...but it's still better than talking to a hoodrat. These becky's usually began talking like themselves eventually, most of the time anyway. I just don't like it when they try to prejudge a brother after he puts down some of that professional talk. There's a time when we both just need to let our hair down. But some don't know when too.
That's what all this seems to hinge on, your angst at NOT hearing what you want to hear.
This sounds more like yourself. Can't you have a conversation without judging a brother?
One thing that happens to me (a lot!) is that people volunteer info about themselves....


In short, you may be jumping the gun with volunteering info about the neighborhood of your youth
I knew you were going to go there. Speaking of hearing only what you want to hear, I already pointed it out in my original post that I seldom share with any dates to this day where I was actually raised, unless they ask, or until I really get to know who I'm dealing with. I said I only did this when I was much younger in my very early 20's, than I stopped.

I never tell my dates I was from a bad neighborhood. They kind of figure that out when you have to eventually tell them that everybody on the block you grew up with got a felon, or got strung out on drugs. You try to tell them the fun you had growing up with them as children. Then when they ask what happened to them. It's like um, um, they got locked up and we don't speak too tough anymore. Then you try to talk about you college buddies, the only one's that have a normal life, who are the ones that don't get but so jealous of your success. When you do this, you have to be careful about telling them about you dating life, because those are the years when your dating life really began, and you don't want to bring those days into a new relationship. These conversations don't happen overnight. The come out in bits and peaces over a relationship. Then you realize after several months you don't know jack about where your date grew up. There had to be some fun times in their childhood, I don't care how rough the neighborhood was.

Now this isn't the case with all the sisters I've dated, but when it's somebody you really liked, it becomes something to remember.
 

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