Black Women : Shamed by a Sista’ co-worker

Discussion in 'Black Women - Mothers - Sisters - Daughters' started by Compassion, Feb 6, 2004.

  1. Compassion

    Compassion Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2004
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    0
    Ratings:
    +0
    Rough around the edges is an understatement – eating with her mouth open – food falling, loud and hoochie outfits.

    And I quote, while at lunch with the Director of Operations (a Ladies Lunch) she says loudly

    “Yeah, I can join the gym with yall, but I don’t have NO bank account to have the membership automatically deducted”.

    Another: Deli lunch for the agents and staff were severed, she picked up the deli meat with her hands and then went to get a container and proceeded to pack a to go ALL meet and cheese - with her HANDS.

    I watch them – watch her and get more comfortable about there own ideals and feelings – of our people. You know better to shame a Black woman, especially when I have worked hard, to make it on my own merit…

    Understand this, I’m a fairly attractive dark skinned afrocentric sista and I work hard – not to fit in but be respected as a professional…Shamed, I want to help her along any suggestions- pleasssse!?
     
  2. Monetary

    Monetary going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2002
    Messages:
    3,300
    Likes Received:
    186
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Economist
    Location:
    Detroit, MI
    Home Page:
    Ratings:
    +242
    Compassion...

    hey, lady...first, welcome to the fam. :D Glad that you feel comfortable enough to share a part of your life with us. :grouphug:

    Second, you should build a rapport with her first. She may be more accepting of your advice if there is a rapport between the both of you than if she doesn't know you. That way, she may value your opinion more.

    Third, approach the topic in a round about way. That will keep her from blowing up at you. Ask her about the loudness of a worker's voice on the job, the type of clothing worn to work...whether it's business attire appropriate...things of this nature. That way, you put her behavior and dress attire on her mind for thought without offending her. You won't offend her because you're talking in general and specifically about her. If she's bright, she'll get the hint.

    In another conversation...or if this conversation is going well, approach the topic of how her behavior and dress attire affects other's opinion of her. To her, they may matter, but I'm pretty sure they don't at the moment. If they did, she wouldn't be presenting herself in this manner.

    In short, a brief conversation between co-workers about what's appropriate in reference to dress attire or level of voice should do the trick. If it doesn't, then you may have a long road ahead of you in getting her to see the big picture...how her behavior paints a picture of our people in the eyes of others. But, then again, some could argue we shouldn't care what other's think. Let this Sister come to work for them at their business...and they'll change that tude. :D

    I'm pretty sure others will lend you their advice on the subject. Read carefully and choose accordingly. :D

    Peace
     
  3. Sun Ship

    Sun Ship Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2003
    Messages:
    1,630
    Likes Received:
    38
    Ratings:
    +39
    maybe the sister is just being creatively expressive.

    Sister, when I read some of these threads, I try to give the best or at least, the most intelligent response that I can and I am saying this with the utmost humility.

    But, until I can think on this deep and probing question a little longer…???

    All I can say is…give her a bib, a dress, a fork and an application for a bank account. :D :confused::D

    Peace :)

    Sun Ship
     
  4. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2001
    Messages:
    35,343
    Likes Received:
    9,213
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    betwixt and between
    Ratings:
    +10,127
    Hello Sister Compassion ... please don't "cross-post" ... posting the same thread in more than one place. I've deleted the other one.

    I have some comments on this and i'll come back and post them soon.

    Great Topic.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  5. Compassion

    Compassion Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2004
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    0
    Ratings:
    +0
    Thanks, I will not do that again... after posting I saw Sister's helping sister.. and felt it may better sit on this forum...

    Pardan me. Peace and loads of Blessings.
     
  6. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2001
    Messages:
    6,539
    Likes Received:
    1,482
    Gender:
    Female
    Ratings:
    +2,079
    :laugh: @ Brother Sun Ship.

    Compassion . . . your name says a lot to me and when I read your post it made me think of what kinds of suggestions I could make to help you in this "colorful" situation.

    First of all, I wouldn't take the sister too seriously as a reflection on you, although I definitely understand why you would think this way. So often, many people will judge a group by the actions or behavior of one or a few and that is most unfortunate, particularly when it comes to things we think are negative reflections on us.

    But let's be thankful for small things too. At least she didn't pick her nose, scratch her behind and try to shake your hand afterwards! If there's anything positive here, we can at least admire the sista for not being afraid to be honest about her financial situation and her willingness to join the group in a group activity.

    To be honest with you, you confused me when you described your appearance because I don't see where your attractiveness and skin tone have anything to do with this situation. So I question your need to add that. If you're genuinely interested in sharing your thoughts with the sister, and if what she's doing bothers you that much, then speak to her privately about it. But be warned, she may know very well how she behaves and it might not bother her in the least being the individual that she is. So it pays to recognize that we're not all the same nor do we subscribe to the same social customs just because we're Black. Think about what it is that you expect her to do and how you expect her to behave and understand that she might and has the right not to agree.

    Peace :spinstar:
     
  7. Compassion

    Compassion Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2004
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    0
    Ratings:
    +0
    Points taken, thanks for the love!
     
  8. Compassion

    Compassion Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2004
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    0
    Ratings:
    +0
    NNQueen thanks for the love, and I will think this over fully before I approach this sista. She seems to be a cool sista - I really don't want to offend her.

    Yes, I know describing myself was out of left field... I was in the moment and had several things going through my mind like: “Our” need to as black women to be stronger and faster – I throw it out to see what would come back, its actually a peek into one of the many windows I’d like to table within this group.

    Bless you Sista, In English, my name means Compassion - I try, daily to live it.
     
  9. Nita

    Nita Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2001
    Messages:
    3,096
    Likes Received:
    15
    Occupation:
    youth volunteer
    Location:
    Arkansas
    Ratings:
    +17
    rofl

    In some sense this is true, you wont be able to do anything to help this person unless she is willing to want to change. I know how it is when our people represent themselves any kind of way..smh. A couple months agon, I was at Sonics, they are all pretty much the same. Well, this young black guy drove in, music xtremely loud. Well he had the nerve to block the drive way to the drive thru...smh..and he stayed there talkin to his buddies in another car.Well cars were starting to pile up, and he did not care.I'm glad I had the parents I did because they taught me to be respectful, and to consider other peoples feelings and need. No way would I have stopped like that,let alone stay there, but this guy did. So After a while, I blew my horn, he had me running late for work. The lQQk that guy gave me was like I had been the one in the wrong, he lQQked like he could have smacked me...smh Some people just don't get it.Some people never will get it. Hope I helped.
    Nita :heart:

     
  10. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2004
    Messages:
    6,461
    Likes Received:
    1,285
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Author
    Location:
    Where the Niger meets the Nile
    Ratings:
    +1,302
    Hi Compassion,

    I have been reading all the posts in this thread. Part of the benefit of putting our concerns out there on the table is we get many different perspectives to help us look at the situation from many angles.

    I'd like to look at this situation from the perspective of an ex "Some people will just never get it" person. For many years I was unable to respond to the needs of others becaue of visual and hearing impairments. My behavior was seldom influenced by its effect on other people whom I could not hear and just barely see. Other people who "don't get it" may not have sensory disabilities but there is a cause to every effect.

    One of the things that helps people overcome the effect of bad parenting or whatever is not only seeing the big picture but feeling that one is a part of the big picture. Pwoplw don't care about the values and concerns of a society or group that has judged and rejected them. I know that on the job people just don't care and the white people probably aren't the ones to recruit to help a sistah rise. But maybe you could invite her to Church or somewhere she can join to be part of something bigger than herself. When a group values the role a person plays in that group that person will also value that role because it fulfills a basic human need for validation. She will work hard to rid herself of any behaviors that might jeopardize her role. That's what helped me after my hearing was restored to move back into society. Here are some attitudes that are likely to be met with resistance:

    1. You're embarassing me. Do something about yourself.
    (Who does she think she is that I should be worried about embarassing her? That's her problem.)
    2. I'm trying to help you.
    (Who in h*** asked you to help me? Was it Belzabub or Screwtape)
    3. You need to earn respect.
    (Thank you but I don't need to prove nothing to nobody)
    4. You must grow in the direction that I want you to grow in at the pace that I think is appropriate.
    (Chocolate girl, climb down. You're not God)

    When nothing else would help, love lifted me
    It really will

    Peace
     
Loading...