Black Parenting : Seeking advice from my elders

Discussion in 'Black Parenting' started by AfroArab, Nov 3, 2015.

  1. AfroArab

    AfroArab Member MEMBER

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    I have 2 beautiful daughter's who are the age 3 & 5. I love them with all my heart and they know it. Me and their mother have been separated for some time now an I recently was told by her she is pregnant by another man. She currently lives with her grandmother who is on section 8. They stay in a tiny bedroom that she never cleans. I don't really care about her being pregnant but she won't let me take care of my girls and put them in the proper home they need unless I allow her to move in with us. I told her I find it disrespectful to have her living with me while carrying another man's child an even more disrespectful to our daughters since she can't afford to take care of them financially now. She hasn't decided to keep the unborn child yet or get an abortion. This dude is a creep and has a child already he doesn't care for. I just want to raise my princesses into queens but she won't let me if it doesn't involve her in the picture. I offered to get married and put her through college if she got herself together but she always finds an excuse.

    What is the purpose behind her actions and what should I do?
     
  2. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    find a good counselor or therapist.......
     
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  3. Clyde C Coger Jr

    Clyde C Coger Jr going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Welcome to Destee.com, AfroArab ... Based on what I read, you only need to decide whether or not your family comes together under one roof.


    "I don't really care about her being pregnant but she won't let me take care of my girls and put them in the proper home they need unless I allow her to move in with us."


    Especially if you don't have a problem with her being pregnant. Surely, the baby's daddy will not be living there with your family.


    ...
     
  4. Hermetic

    Hermetic going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Considering the fact that I do not know your circumstances and the story being told is one-sided, I can only state what I would do based on your statements.

    I would gather my resources and do the following things:

    I. Hire a child psychologist and sociologist to help determine how well my daughters are doing in their present environment.

    A. If it is determined that they are fine, I would make sure their mother has the resources to raise them in home of their own with enough space for all of the children. I would also make sure that I had visitation rights and used those rights liberally so that I could keep in contact with my children.
    B. If it is determined that they are doing poorly, the two experts would give me the documentation needed to move on to the next stage.

    II. Hire an effective family lawyer and take the mother to court for full custody of my daughters.

    What I stated above requires a decent amount of financial resources to pull off. If I did not have the resources to accomplish stage I and II, I would proceed with part A at the best of my ability until I gathered the resources I needed. I would not allow the mother to come live with me, based on the information you have given.
     
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  5. baller

    baller Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    it's hard to give advice--proper advice--when we don't know how stable your situation is, or how hard you're willing to fight for your children. my suggestion would be...fight for them in court. we never want the system to tell us what we can and cannot do concerning our kids, but sometimes that's what it comes down to. if you know they're not being cared for, in the way you want them to be, isn't it in their best interest to be somewhere they can get what they deserve; with you. that's not going to happen if you don't make it happen.

    or, you can allow her to control you through your children.

    of course, there is that question: what if you lose?

    there is that.
     
  6. MS234

    MS234 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks for the section 8 code word.

    Anyway I'll play along. Did you have this much perspective before having kids with the woman who you claim
    lives in filth and section 8? You can pay for her college yet you allow you kids to live like this?
    Why not go for custody?

    test sample obtained.
     
  7. AfroArab

    AfroArab Member MEMBER

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    Well I'm 25 years old an I work full time as a paramedic in Los Angeles, I'm paying my own college dues for RN school. I offered to stop my schooling to help her, if she gets a degree an a good job it benefits my kids that's why I offered that. I'm now getting my own place since I have a girl friend an I told my children's mom I didn't want this other guy around since his ex left him for being a dead beat an abusive. So I feel out of respect I shouldn't have other women around my daughter's if I don't want other men around them in the home. So my girl friend respects that and said it's a good idea to get my own place and we see each other when my kids are with their mother.

    When I first met her she was working a full time job and going to school. We had our first daughter an everything was cool. As soon as we had our second little girl she became lazy and just stopped trying. I told her when I finalize moving into my own place this month, I'll come get the girls and provide for them 100% on my own. I don't want to keep them from her because they will always need their mother to give them motherly love and teachings. Told her I will bring them to see her every weekend and will never want child support. Also wouldn't hold a grudge against the other child if she does keep it and will invite the child over to spend time with my girls. An I do have a lawyer now getting paperwork together if I do need to go the court route. Just don't understand her mind set.
     
  8. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    not about her......about you. seek counseling and therapy
     
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  9. AfroArab

    AfroArab Member MEMBER

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    I don't think that's gonna help me get my kids. I'm not worried about their mother living her own life. Counseling or therapy won't provide anything for my kids or feed them.
     
  10. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    you asked for advice from an elder. i gave it. you reject it. peace. :bye:
     
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