soulosophy said:Hotep Kemetstry,
LOL @ U. U know something yea, I initially posted a longer version but edited it like about 25 time then deleted it. So Imma include it back again, so don;t go off on me if its toooooooo long aight...lol.
(initial post)
I blamed him for my anger, my hurts and my pains that were often triggered when I did not receive the attention I wanted from him. I blamed him for not loving me properly, and like a flower, caused me to wither and die. I blamed him for my broken wings when I had lost the will to fly. I blamed him for everything. (ain't that typical, blame the black man…lol)
My expectations of him were more than my expectations of myself: I expected him to know my thoughts and overstand me when I doubted whether I even overstood myself; I expected him to support and protect me when I couldn't even begin to overstand such a concept; I expected him to trust and believe in me when I had no self-worth or self-belief; I expected him to love me when I didn't even love myself.
I looked to him to make me feel special; to make me feel better about myself; to define my worth for me. I looked to him to be my father, my teacher, my guide, but yet I treated him like a boy and not a man by making it seem that he was inadequate at loving me, inadequate at protecting me, supporting and encouraging me. I was never satisfied, never happy with his attempts at loving me.
How could love have blossomed in a garden that was filled with the soil of frustration, self-confusion, pain and anger? How could we have known love when we were strangers to even our own selves? I had become cold to love but passionate to justice. However, I realised that justice must 1st come to thineself before one can expect justice from any one else. In this, I forgave him for his being who he was. For he was as I was… a product of our environments, and we were merely reflections of one another. Like attracts like right? Like Brother Kemetstry says, " ...ultimately, the man you sleep with is a direct reflection of your character."
Even though my ex had his own issues going on as well, I could not see that even the strongest of Warriors must rest from his battles and seek to be rejuvenated, affirmed, loved and comforted. I could not see that he loved me in his own way, and that no-one can tell someone, control, or dictate to someone how they should love you. We are all at different levels in the stages of our inner growth and it takes all sorts to make a world right? We all have flaws and blemishes in our character in that we cannot change, but we can modify them to a more acceptable degree.
I took a long hard look in the smeared mirror of myself. Yes, it was hard, but finally, I learned to point the finger in the other direction, towards myself, and ask, what did I do to contribute towards the break-up. It took some time and continuous inner struggles to comprehend the importance and spiritual relevance of Unity & Harmony (Ma’at) of the inner & outer and bringing oneself to being in such a state. Whether it is the marriage of man & woman or the marriage of the cosmos, everything is interconnected and affected by everything else that’s going on (as above, so below). Every outer disturbance, war or conflict stems from a disturbance, war and conflict within oneself. So we need not ask why is there no peace in our world when we are not at peace within ourselves. It is a terrible thing when people are motivated from a place of insecurity and ambition, and in reality that’s all it is. Simply because the masses function from a level that is of the baser realms of themselves.
Before I got married, I use to be in violent abusive relationships because I lacked the overstanding that due to my lack of self-worth, lack of self-esteem and self-love, I attracted men who also had such issues within and was looking to punish others to avoid looking within. I was a victim, a reflection of what these abusers thought of themselves.
I've learned that to truly love does not come from a place of lust or desire, but loving as a divine reflection - not wanting to possess the other as leaders wish to possess & control a country and its people.
My divorce was extremely painful, however, the perfection of the Universal Creative Force places us in situations that may hurt or shock our inner state in order that we respond not in ignorance but in the knowledge that we each reach a more heightened state of awareness and consciousness wherein opportunity lies to rectify our condition and jolt us out of a state of ignorance and complacency.
Hetepu!
So I take it none of your past relationships were good?
So I take that as a yes. Would you say that even then you never knew what love was? :luvv: 
:?: 
There is another thread for the bad 
... please make yourself at home ... 