Black Relationships : Saving a Marriage !

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by $$RICH$$, Feb 15, 2009.

  1. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    The 4 Most Damaging Myths About Saving Your Marriage...

    Myth 1: You Need To Learn More Communication Skills

    Learning new communication skills will not help you.

    Teaching you how to communicate better, if your marriage is truly troubled, will only give you and your spouse the ability to fight more effectively!

    In many cases, improving "communication skills" only creates more damage and accelerates the deterioration of the relationship.

    Myth 2: There is only one "path" from the brink of divorce to marital bliss.

    Many other programs assume there is only one "path" back to marital happiness.

    I discovered there are 8 distinct paths! And, each "path" must be addressed differently.

    What is helpful at one stage can be destructive, or at least counterproductive, at another stage.

    I want to show each way of a unique path, for each stage that resolves the crisis best.

    These paths have been tested and retested,for what i understand and proven successful to a great point

    You will learn how to determine exactly which stage of marriage crisis you are facing. After you do this, you are infinitely better prepared to move forward and begin the healing and progress.

    Myth 3: You can't start saving your marriage if your spouse isn't interested.

    When a marriage crisis is in full swing, it sometimes takes awhile for the other spouse to respond. But, this does not mean that you can't save your marriage!

    This techniques and approach work. . . even if your spouse has already "given up. "

    Da strategies have been called "relationship Judo."

    You will learn how to use the negative energy in your relationship to turn your relationship around.

    Myth 4: Time heals all.

    This may be the most damaging myth of all!

    In my experience, many people procrastinate and hope that things will get "just work themselves out."

    This rarely, if ever, happens. You already know that! That is the reason you are at this mess. You are ready to take action!

    If you do not take action, the negative momentum of the relationship moves against you and before you know it, the relationship is too far gone.
    It is critical that you start the process of saving your marriage now. . . before things spiral into a place that is truly irreparable. Do you believe these are the most
    damaging myths told or do they hold truth to saving a marriage???:peace:

    1.priorities ....when we sum it up we alwayz seem to put marriage not first this
    is where we must start to saving a marriage is the priority of the marriage.

    2.neglecting.... the mate or marriage is a key to where one must redefind self and openly pay more attention this grows deeper on the other mate and as marriage gets ignored. More than that, the relationship shifts from suffering with neglect to a growing animosity and antipathy

    3.power structure ..... where one wants to shift the load or asume power in the marriage and the other
    not aware of change, we have to reconize this.

    4.financial crises .....this too can kill a marriage , dealing with financial debt and urilizing finance understanding it's worth

    5.The art of cheating / affairs and the dishonesty of a trust knowing the wrong and faults
    of this act with admitting and seting back up security of trust

    6.Sexless motion in a marriage can be damaging you can bring a sparks of true pleasure and intimacy back again by knowing the likes of your mate and
    what turns them on.

    7.Adressing feelings : are commonly known to be hidden in mates these things can
    take way from the marriage, expressing it full and honestly opens doors to betterment, this also bring forth the home structure and family morals.

    8.LOVE....the biggest four letter word known and not well understood, love can be blind
    hurtful and careless if not treated right in a marriage, to asure the better half a divine love it must be spoken as well felt and shown.

    Understanding each faze and reconizing the area of breakdown can help put a marriage back on track.
    Can you imagine how wonderful it feel to, finally, eliminate the fear, anxiety and stress that currently envelopes you. . . and replace it with feelings of love, joy and contentment?
     
  2. truetothecause

    truetothecause Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Brother $$RICH$$
    :thanks: for sharing!

    Saving a marriage on the brink of destruction requires a lot of WORK...emotional work. As I read the "myths" I immediately took issue with myth #1. As I read on and came to the "action steps", I was a bit more hopeful that folk would consider the need for HEALTHY AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION as a KEY to improving relational challenges.
    Action step # 7 in particular supports this effort....based on my experiences and work with couples and families.
    Afreekan Descendants, it appears, have brought into the notion that "feelings" are our enemy and MUST be "controlled", "managed", suppressed in the face of LOGIC. I see this HAS been like a dagger straight to the HEART....
    Taking away or out our SPIRIT, which I equate with FEELINGS is a set-up for death....of a relationship with self and others. The inability to effectively identify and express....i.e. COMMUNICATE feelings continues to feed destruction in our relationships.

    Yes..Prioritize first and foremost AND...put IDENTIFYING FEELINGS on the top of the list. Ask your self..."what am I feeling"? If you are having a difficult time with that...ask yourself "what do I think" about thus and such. Write out that thought then ask yourself again.....and "how do I FEEL when I think this thing.
    It is confusing as all get out to be told...
    "I LOVE YOU" then take a slap in the face as PROOF of that "love".
    To smack in the face is an ACT of ANGER as it is indicative of an INJUSTICE being done to a person.
    When a parent gives a child a "well deserved a whipping" that parent is likely FEELING a. fear for the child's safety, b. anger at what the child has done, or c. sadness for a loss that the child has facilitated happening. Often time, the parent is feeling ALL THREE of these emotions with one being primary or focal when the butt whooping takes place.

    Sorry for not contextualizing this in marital relationship yet....I hope this makes sense and can be applied to events happening in the marital relationship. In fact, conflicts about raising children is ALSO a key factor in marital discord.

    Again....GREAT POST and Thanks for Sharing...


    M.E.
    :hearts2:
     
  3. Keita Kenyatta

    Keita Kenyatta going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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  4. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    Thankz brother Keita
    while i read on i do find truth in your statement at hand, I guess in every relationship per see
    the marriage or breakdown of it is different but learning the right way if there is one how to renew
    it and bring it back with security and hope for a healthy one ?

    I disagree with this also. We have to accept the fact that people change, people grow...and sometimes independently of each other. When this happens we still need the ability to express these changes. If i am not interested in my mate due to these type of changes, there is nothing my mate can do to change it....for we have in essence become "two separate people with different directions, priorities and life goals.

    While i agree but in many cases this not seen as you would see it which lead us into a different view
    when people change and grow independently or have a different set of priorities, what made that person
    change to be oppsit of there mates beyond discussing it ?
    many marriages are not express or talked about openly because lack of communication do to the problem
    whatever so it be !
    In most part i am just a learning tree here and in most part do agree....But still i have questions and doubts !
     
  5. LindaChavis

    LindaChavis Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Well..good grief

    based on the 4 myths..you may as well stay single
    :argue:
     
  6. HODEE

    HODEE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I trust a lot of what you say here $$RICH$$

    Thank You Brother $$RICH$$ this is a keeper note!

    Great insight and instructions and a good beginning expressed here.
    One should try all measures available before giving up.
    To quit without effort is a shame
    Work to save or life is not worth living.
    Pass from this earth... with no regrets.
    Know when to let go.
    Pray for the wisdom to change the things you can
    Pray that you can let go of those you can't.
    Above all pray for the wisdom to be able to tell the difference.
     
  7. HODEE

    HODEE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    $$RICH$$ you are so right.. how did the other change
    Without expressing that change to the other.
    That is Dishonesty.
    Inconsiderate and Self Serving.

    A true lack of communication on someone's part.
    Change should be welcome.
    Inclusive and discusssed.
    If your mate doesn't want all that change
    Then you have to take their wishes into consideration.
    Give up your full path of change, work out a compromise and not sail off to the left when you both were suppose to sailing right.

    What the H*** is going on when the relations can't remain strong.
    based on grand scheme of one in the dream
    turning it into a nightmare
    Making the bed a place that is hard
    Using the relationship to beat the other
    Kids as pawns
    Finances too
    Threating to leave and deny
    I say Be GONE baby!
     
  8. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    yes HODEE y'all helping me understand the basic of the marriage and it's rise & fall
    i just seek answers to why and how can it be mend back without lingering pain or
    lost trust.?

    well not really sista LindaC.. these what i found won't help if a split or breakup is in motion
    the thing is how to reverse it back to good will and health of the relationship/marriage
     
  9. HODEE

    HODEE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    $$RICH$$

    How the relationship get troubled and one not see it coming.
    There was a sneak attack here.

    All of a sudden they see you not walking right, cooking right, talking right.

    What has really happened is they see someone one else they admire.
    Wouldn't mind being there, so they try and dress up up, change you up in ways that are simular.

    How can someone communicate enough to get you to marry them.
    The understanding was more than Hey.. Baby Marry Me!

    More communicate should lead to more fair and effective communication. Someboby is dead set on an agenda used to destroy the relationship.. you have a good point here.

    The problem I see is someone in the relationship hasn't learned to communicate.. properly and have a problem.

    You know when they can't win a point, make a point then they turn to attacking. because they feel inadaquate and start attacking and turn a good thing into an argument.

    Skills learned should be.. leave the issue for a while, rethink it thru over a few days or weeks and revisit if the other wishes to.

    There is no connection in a wedding ring or a certificate.
    Get that out of here.. the commitment is in your words and deeds.

    Take on and care your obligations.. father means you take care of your children.. any one can go out and get a woman.. but everyone can't take care of a woman.
     
  10. LindaChavis

    LindaChavis Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Bro Rich..

    got cha
    :deal:
     
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