Poetry Critiques : Runnin

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by Radical Faith, Apr 7, 2005.

  1. Radical Faith

    Radical Faith Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I’VE BEEN RUNNING AND HIDING FROM THE TRUTH IN A PLACE CALLED TIME.
    TRUTH HAS BEEN LOOKING FOR ME FOR A WHILE BUT I’M TOO SLICK TO FIND.
    SEE I STARTED RUNNING WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND BEEN RUNNING EVER SINCE.
    WHEN I GET TIRED OF RUNNING, I HID FROM THE TRUTH. THE GAME HAS GOTTEN INTENSE.
    WAIT A MINUTE I SEE THE TRUTH OVER THERE. OH SNAP! THE TRUTH DONE STEPPED UP HIS GAME.
    HE BROUGHT SOME FRIENDS ALONG TOO FIND ME.
    THERE HE IS WITH RESPONSIBILITY.
    SHE BROUGHT HER FRIEND HONESTY.
    YOU KNOW THE DAUGHTER OF INTEGRITY.
    SHE BROUGHT THE TWINS LOYALTY AND FIDELITY.
    NOW HERE COME INTELLEGENCE, DETERMINATION AND DIGNITY.
    WAIT THERE’S VIRTUE, KINDNESS, GENEROUSITY
    COMPASSION, LOVE AND PURITY.
    MAN TRUTH GOT A GROWING POSSE OUT THERE TRYING TO CATCH ME.
    MAN WHAT TRUTH GOT IN HIS HAND KNOWLEDGE?
    MAN TRUTH GONE TRY TO PUT IT IN ME. THEN I’LL DO SOMETHING STUPID LIKE GO TO COLLEGE.
    MAN I CAN ONLY HIDE FOR SO LONG.
    TIME IS HUGE BUT SOON IT WILL BE GONE.
    THEN I’LL BE LEFT STANDING IN THE OPEN ALL ALONE
    AND THEN TRUTH WILL COME AND CLAIM ME AS HIS OWN.
    MAN I’M SCARED OF THE TRUTH THAT’S WHY I HIDE AND RUN.
    MAN IF THE TRUTH CATCHES ME I WON’T HAVE NO MORE FUN.
    WAIT A MINUTE HERE SOME CATS THAT SAY THEY CAN HELP ME HIDE.
    THEY WANT ME TO JOIN THEM AND BE ON THEIR SIDE.
    I MET THIS CAT NAME IGNORANCE WHO WAS CHILLIN WITH HIS GIRL VANITY.
    THEY WERE HEADED TO ADDICTION’S CRIB FOR DINNER, HE WAS COOKING HUMANITY.
    WE GOT THERE AND GOT COMFORTABLE AND I MET APATHY AND GREED. HATRED WAS IN THE KITCHEN STIRRING UP ENOUGH HUMANITY FOR ALL OF US TO FEED.
    LOW SELFESTEEM CAME OVER WITH HER BOYFRIEND ABUSE.
    IMMORALITY AND PROFANITY BROUGHT THE MUSIC SO WE COULD ALL GET LOOSE.
    SSSSSHHHH! WHO’S KNOCKIN? THIS GUESS IS A SURPRIZE.
    OH SNAP! MR BIGSHOT HIMSELF CAME IN, IT’S MR LIES.
    IT SEEMED LIKE TIME STOOD STILL, BECAUSE I PARTIED WITH THEM FOR YEARS ON END.
    HIDING FROM THE TRUTH AND HIS CREW TRYING TO PRETEND
    THEY AIN’T THERE, OR LIKE I DIDN’T CARE. THEN I MET SOME MORE TWINS NAMES GRIEF AND DESPARE.
    THEY WERE COUPLED UP WITH AGONY AND TRAGEDY.
    TRUTH IS COMING SOON CAUSE MY BOY EXCUSES IS GETTIN RAGGEDY.
    I LIVED IN A ROOM AT ADDICTION HOUSE WHERE I PAID RENT TO STAY BUT ADDICTION IS DEMANDING SO HE TAXES ME EVERY DAY. ADDICTION’S PLACE WAS A GOOD HIDEOUT SO I NEED TO MAKE SOMES ENDS.
    SO I GOT LUCKY ONE DAY AND MET TWO MORE OF ADDITIONS FRIENDS.
    SO TO GET PAID I RAN WITH THIS COUPLE NAMES LARCENY AND PROSTITUTION.
    THEY GOT BUSTED SO ADDICTION HOOKED ME UP WITH HIS BROTHER ILLEGAL DISTRIBUTION.
    ADDICTION HAD ANOTHER COOK OUT SERVIN HUMANITY AND ALL THOSE CATS AND CHICKS WERE THERE.
    ADDICTION’S SON FIEND WAS IN TOWN HE BROUGHT HIS BOY EXPLOITATION AND THEY BOTH PULLED UP A CHAIR.
    THEN SOME ONE KICKED DOWN THE DOOR, I THOUGHT WE WAS AT WAR. TRUTH AND HIS CREW BUSTED IN AND SAID TIME AT IS UP BLACK MAN YOU CAN’T HIDE NO MORE.
    IT WAS ON, TRUTH DISRESPECTED ADDICTION’S HOME.
    MR. LIES GRABBED THE TRUTH AND TRYING TO GO TO HIS DOME.
    MAD FIGHTING BROKE OUT THE CRIB WAS GETTIN BROKE UP AND SMASHED.
    WHILE GREED WAS CHOKIN GENEROUSITY I SEEN THE DOOR OPENED SO I DASHED.
    BUT WHEN I GOT THERE I COULDN’T GET OUT CAUSE WAS BLOCKED. INTELLENCE WAS THROWIN DOWN AND IGNORANCE WAS GETTIN ROCKED.
    FINALLY I COULD PASS SO I SLIPPED AWAY.
    PRIDE WAS RIGHT BEHIND ME HE WAS ON BOTH SIDES SO HE COULDN’T STAY.
    WHEN I GOT TO THE STREET I COULD HEAR THE HOUSE BEING TORE UP.
    WHEN I TURNED AROUND TO LOOK SUDDENLY I WOKE UP.
    MAN IT HAD ALL BEEN A DREAM BUT IT SEEMED LIKE IT WAS FOR REAL THOUGH.
    THEN REALITY KICKED IN AND I FIGURE OUT WHO WAS MY REAL FOE.
    SEE TIME WAS NOW THE PLACE WAS HERE FOR ME TO WIN IN LIFE OR LOOSE.
    SEE GOD HAS LAID IT OUT FOR YOU BLACK MAN TO LIVE A LIE OR LIVE THE TRUTH YOU MUST CHOOSE.
     
  2. HODEE

    HODEE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Great drop.. add a few letters ..things like the example below.. other than that. This flies very high in my book. I like it! :flamet: :flamet: :flamet: :flamet: ( four flames )

    I’VE BEEN RUNNING AND HIDING FROM THE TRUTH IN A PLACE CALLED TIME.
    TRUTH HAS BEEN LOOKING FOR ME FOR ( A ) WHILE BUT I’M TOO SLICK TO FIND.

    WHEN I GET TIRE( D ) OF RUNNING
     
  3. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    this was did to perfection and i see it a big hit
    to any producer at hand a great well skilled poem
    great awesome work of art they express it all

    lay a few in some STANZA's for a more powerful splash
     
  4. AHMOSE

    AHMOSE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Their go my multi-talented brother following suit. I liked this piece man.
    Consider spacing it some hard on my eyes you know glasses and all lol they just like yours matter of fact lol. Keep it coming bruh.

    Welcome...Welcome...
     
  5. Radical Faith

    Radical Faith Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks Brothers this is my second real attempt at poetry. As you see I'm better at telling a story. As I become inspired I will continue to drop lines.


    Peace......
     
  6. flo-real

    flo-real Active Member MEMBER

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    That was DOPE!!!!

    that's all I can say you spit dat king i bet if I heard you recite it....it would be even more powerful!
     
  7. triniti424

    triniti424 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    WOWZERS! :) You really went for it huh :) Brotha let me take time out to tell you this was :great: seriously it was fantastic...

    The concept, the terminology, wonderful brotha just brave :terrific:

    NOW... :) Brotha I know you and I share a common ground in that we both love to cook :) so you know there is much to be said about presentation, presentation is power right :look: half the battle is in the presentation.

    Firstly I would advise against posting in all bold... unless it was something short and arranged for emphasis. Bold is usually use to emphasize and if its ALL BOLD THEN IT SORT OF DEFEATS THE PURPOSE. THERE IS LITTLE ROOM LEFT FOR EMOTIONAL INTERPERTATION I LOVE THIS YOU HATE THAT YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN? Whereas when you save the bold for those IMPORTANT words and those CHARACTERS you want and it puts what MATTERS in perspective... see :look: :)

    Secondly, you want more of a symmetry in your lines...
    You can make a different line even though it doesnt rhyme but you wanna keep that rhythm I know that I say that a lot in many of my replies but its true... I am not (in my honest opinion) a poet but to me it is an art like music, dance, etc... And like with dance, music, even painted art there are syncopations to keep, beats to maintain, and strokes to even it all out...language in your poetry is no different.

    Thirdly, contrast to what brotha Hodee bear says I wouldnt hide those letters I would just make the actual grammatical changes. When its in print you want it to make sense...should you CHOOSE to have it all sorta "slang" than you should maintain that uniformity but it didnt seem that way so I would go with making the grammatical changes that fit, yanno where there should be an "A" put it there and etc...

    I LOVE the story brotha I do... it took me a while to read it lol what with the uniformity of the font :read: but I TRULY enjoyed it brotha Poet :) you got it! :D
     
  8. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    A masterpiece of Radical Faith,

    OUTSTANDING!!!
     
  9. dymondtanae

    dymondtanae Member MEMBER

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    your use of words are skillful
    and this peace was entertaining and truthful
     
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