Poetry Critiques : Roman noodles & Kool aid

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by Passionfruit005, Jan 1, 2006.

  1. Passionfruit005

    Passionfruit005 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Boiling water on a blacktop stove
    ....Grease
    ..........with the faint taste of shrimp,
    ..........or chicken or something fried
    soaked in calories....
    ..........made with love
    leaving more impressions
    then memories on heart
    .................. and thies
    in a kitchen that told more truths then lies
    at a table, bearing wild hair
    ..............out running the kinks
    as hot combs raid the thicks of hair grease...
    popping on the forehead,
    ...........thoundrous laughter,
    "Be still girl!"
    filling the room, as gossip spread like wild fire
    *pop* *pop* "ow ma!! that hurts...." *pop*
    "Girl u'd better watch ya mouth.."
    "Girl u'd ...
    .............better....
    ....... watch.....-that stove before you burn this whole
    apartment."
    quit acting like u got no sense
    golden trimmed tables, holding
    white books filled with white kings
    and other sorts of white things
    inspiring these poor
    .............. ghetto black dreams
    Sweetend with the aid of .......
    .......................kool drinks
    .......of blue toungues and peperment sticks
    Stuck in the depth of corner store pickles
    where noodles is but 25 cents.....Kandy is but a penny
    But
    ...the dreams are free......
    put to boiling water
    ...... on black top stoves
    wondering if Hoods capture wishes between plastered bricks
    and paint, trapped and held between the disapointments
    of shattered dreams
    in a home that holds more that memories and dreams
    skipping rope next door,
    .......... with the neighbors kids
    momma still looking for those
    ...................... extension cords
    summer times switches, and
    night times kisses
    Somewhere lost between
    ..........wrong and right
    From roman noodles to koolaid
    Memories of the hood
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    This was very nicely done
    the vision took me right in
    love the concept expressed
    well Awesome flow i wouldn't
    change a thing........................
     
  3. PatriceCQueen

    PatriceCQueen Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I love the format of this piece it make you take steps with the words
    Invites u into caverns of thought
    pulls and pushes you into levels of did you get that
    it seriously plays with light and dark
    it has a cresendo musical ensombo like peter and the wolf concierto thingy
    I like how it can never be predictable and all the words have multidimensional factors


    i tripped over one wrod though and suggest a change or you find one that suits you better


    with the faint taste of shrimp,
    with the faint flavor of shrimp,

    read it with that word inclusion and see if you hear the change and if it is appropriate to you

    Peace

    Patrice
     
  4. cursed heart

    cursed heart Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    You tell a great story!
     
  5. kemetkind

    kemetkind Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Beautiful format and flow.

    Reminds of DL Hughley's "back in the day" monologues.

    I had to think hard to come up with any critique- it's perfect as is.

    A potential suggestion is to leave off your last line and end it with "From Roman noodles to Kool-aid." So much of this work seems to be about the symmetry - so doing that just adds another layer of symmetry between the beginning title and the ending.

    The cadence is meticulous. Wonderful work passionfruit!
     
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