Poetry Critiques : Roman noodles & Kool aid

Passionfruit005

Well-Known Member
REGISTERED MEMBER
Nov 17, 2005
59
4
Boiling water on a blacktop stove
....Grease
..........with the faint taste of shrimp,
..........or chicken or something fried
soaked in calories....
..........made with love
leaving more impressions
then memories on heart
.................. and thies
in a kitchen that told more truths then lies
at a table, bearing wild hair
..............out running the kinks
as hot combs raid the thicks of hair grease...
popping on the forehead,
...........thoundrous laughter,
"Be still girl!"
filling the room, as gossip spread like wild fire
*pop* *pop* "ow ma!! that hurts...." *pop*
"Girl u'd better watch ya mouth.."
"Girl u'd ...
.............better....
....... watch.....-that stove before you burn this whole
apartment."
quit acting like u got no sense
golden trimmed tables, holding
white books filled with white kings
and other sorts of white things
inspiring these poor
.............. ghetto black dreams
Sweetend with the aid of .......
.......................kool drinks
.......of blue toungues and peperment sticks
Stuck in the depth of corner store pickles
where noodles is but 25 cents.....Kandy is but a penny
But
...the dreams are free......
put to boiling water
...... on black top stoves
wondering if Hoods capture wishes between plastered bricks
and paint, trapped and held between the disapointments
of shattered dreams
in a home that holds more that memories and dreams
skipping rope next door,
.......... with the neighbors kids
momma still looking for those
...................... extension cords
summer times switches, and
night times kisses
Somewhere lost between
..........wrong and right
From roman noodles to koolaid
Memories of the hood
 
I love the format of this piece it make you take steps with the words
Invites u into caverns of thought
pulls and pushes you into levels of did you get that
it seriously plays with light and dark
it has a cresendo musical ensombo like peter and the wolf concierto thingy
I like how it can never be predictable and all the words have multidimensional factors


i tripped over one wrod though and suggest a change or you find one that suits you better


with the faint taste of shrimp,
with the faint flavor of shrimp,

read it with that word inclusion and see if you hear the change and if it is appropriate to you

Peace

Patrice
 
Beautiful format and flow.

Reminds of DL Hughley's "back in the day" monologues.

I had to think hard to come up with any critique- it's perfect as is.

A potential suggestion is to leave off your last line and end it with "From Roman noodles to Kool-aid." So much of this work seems to be about the symmetry - so doing that just adds another layer of symmetry between the beginning title and the ending.

The cadence is meticulous. Wonderful work passionfruit!
 

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