Black Relationships : Requires A Little Honesty

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by kashif, May 15, 2006.

  1. kashif

    kashif Member MEMBER

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    This topic deals with long term relationships where one or both partners engage in infidelity. I've been gone for a minute. But, during that time I did a little research. Several peeps in my circle of friends are in unhappy relationships, getting divorced and or having affairs. Those of you who Know my story realize I fall in to one of these categories. My research which did not start out that way(I was just venting my pain)consisted of choosing the right moment to confront several of these individuals and ask why their relationships failed or were failing. Almost all of the brothers complained of the sex becoming less frequent. The time frame for this was a 3-5 yr mark. Now sisters please do not get angry? There were only 2 women who weren't related to me that spoke what I perceived to be pure honesty. All together there were 4. The other two being relatives. When I asked why the sex became less frequent? All agreed they just wasn't feeling sexual towards their man. When I probed further all but 1 express desire for another man. Someone they knew or just being open to someone different. I suspect my cousins were already in an affair. Here's my question. 1.Ladies, Is the idea of women being naturally monogamous a myth? 2. If it is then why do women deny themselves sexual fulfillment. Is it because of men and our insecurity dealing with paternity? The stigma of being called for a better word loose? I believe there's something to this. How do we explain the majority of divorces and separations having been initiated by women.
     
  2. Kemetstry

    Kemetstry going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    1. Has always been a myth

    2. You do know even Oprah says that one third of them are diagnosable :lol:


    Running out of the room :horse: :climb: :swim: :run:
     
  3. Bisabee

    Bisabee Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Okay, now you did ask for it.

    I think that most women that I’ve talked with over the years can and WANT to be monogamous. Many of the women who initiate divorce must be very dissatisfied about something. Two of the major sources of dissatisfaction that I’ve heard women express are money issues and sexual issues.

    When a wife and husband are unable to see eye to eye about money issues, this is very stressful to many women. I’ve heard this a lot.

    When it comes to sexual matters, many women are just not satisfied with their husband in the bedroom. Their husband do not satisfy them sexually in many cases and when you add that to the other stresses in a marriage, it often becomes not worth it for a woman to want to continue. I was just reading a NEWSWEEK magazine sex survey a few days ago that talked about the different amount of sexual enjoyment experienced by married men and women, with men enjoying it more and thus wanting to do it more. IF women were enjoying sex with their husbands AS MUCH as men enjoy sex with their wives, then women would want to do it as much. Think about that.

    Now the following may apply only to a certain demographic of women:

    When women talk with each other about sex, they talk about how their men don’t want to engage in verbal or physical foreplay long enough or are just not sexually creative. For ex. many men want to kiss and do a little caressing and then they’re ready for sex.:lol: This is not nearly enough for many women. It takes a woman quite a bit longer. Also, women say that many men don’t understand that a lot about sex (for women) is not in the bedroom, and that many times their men don’t make them feel feminine, etc. I’m just thinking of a few of the things I’ve heard over the years.

    Also, it seems to me that many men are hung up on their “size” and prowess and seem to be self-involved with their genitalia and don’t seem to understand that women put a lot more emphasis on the emotion involved in sex rather than mechanics or acrobatics. In my experience and from what I’ve heard, when women try to talk with men about these differences, many men become annoyed and argumentative. Most women will drop the subject at this point and go read a romance novel and fantasize about other men or talk to their girlfriends to relieve the stress. LOL Some women go further (cheat) and try to find another man who they can fully enjoy sex with. Other women decide to just make a clean break—divorce. Of course, others stay faithful and remain married and remain unhappy. However, there are some women who are quite satisfied in all respects with their men and their marriage.

    Oh, I forgot this. Sometimes a man who genuinely loves a woman will say to that woman, “Just tell me what you want sexually, and I’ll do it—anything you want.” Then he may get upset if the woman doesn’t QUICKLY and graphically go into detail. :LOL: Many women just don’t function like that and the man can’t understand why. Well, many women are not socialized to gush out lots of graphic details to a husband this quickly, out of fear that he will wonder just where did she learn all of that and think she’s a ****. I think it would be much easier for a woman, for ex. to tell a male prostitute (gigolo) what she wants than to tell her husband because she wouldn’t have to worry whether the gigolo thought she was slutty. I would say Women DO have to be concerned about this with their husbands, depending on the type of man he is, because it can come up in arguments later on.
     
  4. kashif

    kashif Member MEMBER

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    Bisabee I'm glad that you and Kemestry responded to my post. Thank you. However, I must disagree with you. I know that this is a touchy subject(FEMALE INFIDELITY). Nevertheless it should be explored. Is it possible sisters in their sexual prime(LATE 20'S and ON) are more prone to gather more then one male's seed? Could it be biological in nature? Is it biological for males to spread their seed. Brothers when you were in your sexual prime(16-27) roughly, how many sisters did you sleep with or had a desire to sleep with. And especially in our teens did we not sexually become bored with the same partner. Why then would not the same apply for the female in her sexual prime. Yes sisters do quite often blame the male for the troubles in the relationship whether it be money problems, sex or whatever. But, the sex was good in the beginning. Why not now? Could it be boredom? What about wanting something or someone different as we brothers desired in our prime? In my opinion this behavior is not a detriment to sisters. One cannot be made to be ashamed of their true nature. But this myth about manogomy was forced upon the female by an insecure male who was concerned about protecting his sperm and whether the offspring would truly be his. Bisabee newsweek also did an article on the rise of female infidelity. One of it's components was that women no longer have the need to rely on the male for financial security. Therefore she can dispose of him at will. Please sisters feel free to respond because a lot of relationship issues we face today are intertwined in this issue.
     
  5. Coach707

    Coach707 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Brother Kashif this is a very interesting debate. First I want to say to sista Bisabee that with all of the daily influences that women and men get from t.v. radio, magazines, people, etc. is it quite possible for BOTH the man and the woman to get bored with the sexual relationship that they have with their spouse? If that is true, then what would prevent a woman from cheating if the oportunity presented itself? What would prevent a man if the opportunity presented itself? Women seem to want the "sweep em off of their feet love" from men in relationships. Although I am all for pleasing my woman, that kind of momentum that a relationship has in the begining is nearly impossible to sustain through 3 or more years of committement. I thought that the "relationship" aspect was suppose to allow a couple to gain momentum for a different cause. I thought marriage was suppose to be a "partnership" more than a "please me" contest.

    This is the issue with our relationsips, SEX is put on such a high pedestal that people feel like they cant make it if their man or woman doesnt freak them the way they want to be freaked. Honestly, If I am with a woman for 10, 20 or 30 years of more our focus better be on preparing for retirement, putting our children through college, bettering our communities, and counseling young couples on what it takes making relationships work. At some point we need to realize that there are far greater ways to please one another. Sex is merely a fraction of the fulfillment one should recieve when one is truly in love.


    But then again, I could be wrong. What do you all think?
     
  6. Bisabee

    Bisabee Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Once again, it seems that this is being approached from a male point of view.

    I'm not talking about mechanical sex. I'm talking about EMOTION and forming an EMOTIONAL bond with a woman. If you know how to form an emotional bond with a woman, it can last and last.

    You also have to look at the EMOTIONAL aspect if you want to better understand most women when it comes to satisfying her sexually. It seems that some of you guys keep going straight to the physical. Most women like the physical too, but if the emotional is combined with the physical, then that's a supreme experience for a typical woman. As a matter of fact, some women can and do get satisfied with a whole lot of the emotional and not much physical.

    For ex. Coach707, you ask how does a women handle the visual stimulants from the media, and what would she do if a sexual opportunity presented itself, well, many more women are turned on more by the audio stimulants and the EMOTION they stir up in her than looking (visual) at 50 fine men :lol: This is why women tend to love romance novels because we can just HEAR that man talking to that woman.:lol:

    So to get back to your question, if that stimulating man stepped out of the media AND said the right words to conjure up EMOTION in the woman and made her feel feminine enough, then she's his. If he doesn't know how to make her feel feminine, then she may just have sex IF he's nice and sweet to her in other ways. But that doesn't mean she will continue wanting to have sex with him. This is one of the main reasons why a wife may not want to have sex as much as a husband. He does not know how or doesn't take the time to make her FEEL feminine and get her to the point where she WANTs to do it.
     
  7. Omowale Jabali

    Omowale Jabali The Cosmic Journeyman PREMIUM MEMBER

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    As far as I am concerned some of your questions are hitting it right on the head but "conventional wisdom" says otherwise. For example, the age old argument that Black men are "afraid of commitment" is certainly not true of Black men who are in committed relationships AFTER their "prime". But since women reach their prime later, they also do tend to get "bored" and complain about their men no longer satifying them. But this is an excuse used to rationalize their own infidelity and what happens is when other Black men see how this goes down then yes, increasing numbers do become 'afraid of commitment' because they dont want to repeat the cycle of Black men they see before them who got left high and dry by their wives infidelity.

    Marriage used to be not merely a "partnership" but a "social contract". Nowdays it is merely an exercise in futility...
     
  8. Kemetstry

    Kemetstry going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Uuuuuuuuuuuh.....


    .o0( Did you really think we would approach it from any other point of view )
     
  9. Coach707

    Coach707 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I totally understand what you mean by emotions sista, but I am wondering if you can admit that reading those "emotional" love stories in those romance novels contribute to the misconception of what realtionsips are REALLY about. If you ever realized sista, those books never talk about other aspects of a relationship that ARE far more important in my opinion. (companionship, trust, dedication, hard work and financial empowerment for examples) Are these books giving of the notion that EVERY man is suppose to show his love in ONE way? Are these books implying that ALL women need X amount of emotional gratification from their mate to be happy? They are, and they are wrong. I would not choose to place black women in such a small box! I honestly dont think that the right formula of romance and sex will make a woman feel complete. Think about all of the women who are complaining about men who satisfy them in the bedroom but cant keep a job, has baby mama drama, is controlling or violent, etc. This situation is far more complicated that you give credit because the fact remains that there will be times in a loing term relationship when the flame, the passion, or the emotions will run low. I thought that the companionship that two people develop over time is suppose to outlast the sexual appetites of a couple of horny teenagers.



    Sista, those novels make it hard for men to understand women because they seem to be used for more than just entertainment. Whats the difference in reading a romance novel and wanting to be that woman in the book, and a man watching a rap video and wanting to be the rapper with women all over him?

    Doesnt seem like much difference to me. Both are allowing outside forces dictate what their realities are.
     
  10. youngblackceo

    youngblackceo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    This is way I say the whole notion of marriage and family has to be redefined because men and women roles have changed.
    Women have more options know when it comes to sex and relationships.
    We can talk about how sex is not the most important aspect of the relationship which is true, but I don't think some of you brothers are listening to what the women are saying.
    The women are not saying that they are not satisfied with the physical act of having sex.
    They are saying that the men in their lives are not treating them in away from and emotional point that makes them want to take it to the next act of having sex.
    Most women are complaining about that fact that men are not stimulating them in away to make them feel sexy.
    I don't think that this type of disatifaction is new what I believe is going on know is that women do not have to remain in a relationship unsatisfied in this way because they have more options.

    Women are out here working and meeting people everyday and if a women is not happy with her situation at home she has more than enough opportunities to make a connection with a man outside of her home.
    It could be the brother she works with who always compliments her style of dress and he always notices when she has done something new with her hair.
    From my experiences I've noticed that it is just the little things you can do to make a woman feel like a beautiful, and sexy lady.

    I've had married women make it known that they would spend some quality time with me.
    In my younger days I would definitely take care of them, but know at thirty one that is not something I will do.
    But even to this day I still get invitation from married women, are from women who are in relationships.
    Especially at my job alot of the women here know what type of business I'm starting so they come and talk to me about some of their desires and what type of toys they are interested in.
    One of the things I have noticed is that most of the women I talk too is that their spouses do not make them feel comfortable about their sexual fantasies.

    The bottom line to all of this for me is that first of all there is no excuse for cheating on someone you have made a commitment too.
    But at the sametime alot of us men have to recognizze that todays woman has options and she is not going to just settle for a good boring life like the women of the past.
    So if you are married are in a relationship with a women that you love let her know how much you care.

    Compliment her shoes, go on little trips and get a hotel room this weekend some where not to far out of town.
    Go to a nice restuarant where both of you have to dress up nice and when you are done eating go dancing somewhere nice.
    Afther the night is done take her back to your hotel room and ask her to put on the sexy lingerie you brought her and would love to see her in.
    And for the brothers I will give you some advice please do not totally disregard the romance novels.
    If your wife are girl reads them when she is not around take a look in them and scan them to get a good idea of what she likes and recreate one of the scenario out of the blue.
     
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